Day 253.

I know it's been a really long time. It will all make sense.

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First things first. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not blogging in well over 2 weeks. I started this year with the intention of blogging every day and clearly, I have not done so well. However, I have my reasons. The main one being...Chasing Life has a website! I am taking this blog to a new dimension and am currently having the final tweaks put on the site so we can have a happy and smooth transition from here to there. I am beyond excited. I have a very good friend who is doing this all for me for the grand sum of nothing and so, I can't ask him to prioritize my work for those of paying clients. Yet, we are nearly done. The end is in sight and I'm pleased to say you will not have to wait much longer.

Lots of things have been happening since I last wrote to you all.

I got a job. I started training for a job and am now waiting for my 3 day induction period to start. Having to wait for a CRB check is the most tedious thing, especially when you've moved as much as I have! It takes a lot longer. Sadly though, there wasn't much I could do about that! So, that's one of the main things that has been focusing my attentions. 

Uni' has been...interesting. I am now Level 3 qualified in Massage, Aromatherapy and Reflexology and good God it feels amazing. After starting a course I wasn't sure I wanted to be on, I have now got over all the initial hurdles and worries I first had and have achieved something. We are rapidly approaching the end of our first year and it has gone so fast. On May 22nd. We will have completed all our initial training and will be soon to complete our new chapter as second years. With the added bonus of receiving treatments off the new first years! Yay times.

Sadly though, I am in quite a pickle financially. Due to my loan not coming through until April 21st and not having a job, I have been left without money which, as you can imagine, has left me in some doodoo of sorts. It's a daily battle to be honest but I have just under a month to go and I have definitely been poorer than this, so really I should remain positive. Not long now.

This all feels really random.

I am still living with my friend although the prospect of moving out is distracting me somewhat. I am desperately craving my own place although I'm not entirely sure how my consultant would feel about that. Due to my epilepsy, does it mean I can't live alone anymore? I have to have someone with me most of the time (just in case) but surely I'd be okay? I've lasted this long...

I've also been having a long, hard think about my epilepsy and all comments are welcome once I've written this. I have decided that medication may not be for me. I have looked at side effects of some drugs and long term effects and to be honest, I don't want any of that. Surely, if I can avoid my triggers or, at least, reduce the risk of encountering them, I could cope with this. The same as I have coped for this long. It does make my life challenging, what with the appalling memory, the exhaustion and the shakes but it's manageable. I don't know. All suggestions welcome and appreciated whether you suffer with it or not.

Anyway guys, I'm sure it's a surprise to some of you that I am not out on a Friday night and, instead, decided to spend my evening crying at Sport Relief but, alas, that is what has happened. Well, apart from my hyperventilating earlier after being in the dark briefly. I really must sort this phobia out and find out the root cause of it.

This may be the last post you will read on here before my site goes live but can I just say, thank you. Thank you to everyone who has read my posts, contacted me and followed my journey over the last few months. This blog has become something of a life saver for me and I am so grateful to all of you that have joined me. Your continued support would mean the world to me and I will update you all of the site URL once we are live!

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.

Hannah xox

Day 235.

Sometimes the only thing that's needed are a gorgeous pair of shoes.

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I, for a long time, thought fashion and style were two things I would be never be interested. In truth, it absolutely fascinates me.

The beauty of fashion is that it affects every single person. No matter how small, each of us is affected by the big power house, catwalk designers that flood our media like no other. They, the less affordable brands, carve our enthusiasm to shop and to spend money on trends they have set with their collections. We may be all for cheap and cheerful shopping when it comes to our fashion but perhaps we are unaware of how our fashion choices have actually been influenced by others above.

I was an awkward teenager. Growing up with thick, black eye make up. Plenty of leopard print. Backcombed hair. Piercings galore. I was fully in to my phase of not caring what people thought of how I looked. I made a lot of effort to look that scruffy. There truly is some skill to it. After moving on from that point of my life I started at college and my style seemed to change. Gone were the obscure clothes and hello was the new me. I refer to her as plain Hannah. Yes, on the odd occasion I would have these fleeting moments where I felt I needed to express myself with my clothes but, ultimately, I had resorted to jeans and whatever I could find to go on top. It was a boring era. The only excitement came from the costumes I wore on stage and even those weren't that elaborate.

As the years went by, after leaving college, I have finally arrived to where I am now. A confident, comfortable and collected young lady. It has only been in the recent months where I have started to make a full effort with the way I look again. Putting together pieces I think work, deciding on jewellery, if any. I make an effort with my hair and my make up which had disappeared off my priority list. There are many reasons for this but the main one being, I felt so out of it all. I felt so plain, boring, dull as the Hannah I once was, I felt I needed to revive some life in to the old girl!

I bought these boots back in the early Winter of last year. Today was the first time I had worn them. Simple, chunky, black ankle boots with laces and a side zip. Simple and understated with that added extra of grunge thrown in. I bought them. I looked at them. I put them away. I toyed with the idea of wearing them. I put them away again. Today, after what felt like an epiphany I planned my outfit around them, as opposed to wondering whether they'd go with something for hours on end. With my racer skirt, plum jumper and black tights I was good to go. It was quite exciting wearing them for the first time. It may sound a little silly but for me, shoes can make an outfit. With the right pair of shoes on us girls can feel powerful and strong. These boots did just that. 

By teaming these with a delicate skirt it added a more feminine but 'don't mess with me attitude' to the whole look which works well when having to tackle a morning at the library!

After moving in to a friends I looked through all my clothes, trying to work out what to throw away and so far, I've found nothing. I have my old staples- things I've kept for years yet still seem to 'work' as the seasons change. I have my charity bargains that I can't seem to let go off. I have my more expensive items- mainly the dress I wore to my cousins wedding last year. All these clothes have seen me through happy times, sad times and all those in between. I have those pieces I love to wear often as they're so comfortable and just scream me. There are others I rarely wear but know I will in time.

I realised that I may not be the most fashionable of people. I may not necessarily jump on trends the minute they come out and I may not want to follow the crowd in how they should be worn. I know that what I may lack in fashion, I certainly make up for in style.

Having our own style makes us stand out. It allows us to express ourselves without having to say a word. We can play the characters that we want to with just our clothes. We can be as powerful, as dainty, as harsh as we could want just through the clothes we wear. There is no shame in having an individual style.

From now on, I am going to stop fearing my clothing choices. There have been times where I've felt I should be dressed a certain way, around certain people in order to keep them on side. Yet, it's those kinds of people (the ones who look you up and down and say 'what on Earth are you wearing?') that we shouldn't fear. Some of the people I admire most are those who are brave in every aspect of their lives, including their clothing choices. They dare to wear their personality right on their sleeves and so could you.

Hannah xox

Day 234.

It was like seeing an old friend for the first time, in a long while.

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I was about 11. Sat on my bedroom floor, crying. Crying because I couldn't work out how to make all the ideas racing through my head in to a show. Yep. I was that girl. 

Yesterday, my mum brought me the rest of my junk (well most of it) over to my friends, where I am now living. I cannot believe how many clothes I have and how many of those I don't wear. Time for either a clear out or some dedication to wearing some other pieces I usually look over. 

I came across a folder. My singing folder. Well...sort of. It doesn't actually sing itself but it does hold on to all my sheet music I've gathered over the years through college and different shows I've been in. Recently, since my friend is out most of the day, I have taken to singing in the kitchen. I've always loved singing and it cheers me up without a doubt. After finding my folder I headed for the kitchen to perform in front of the West End casting directors I was auditioning for because, of course, they wanted to hear my full repertoire. Don't get me wrong, I'm not amazing but it was comforting to know that after all these years of abuse, my voice hadn't completely given up. I sang and sang until I could sing no more or, more accurately, I needed to use the bathroom and had heard enough from the Oliver music to give anyone nightmares.

Hidden in the back of this folder were a few sheets of scruffy paper with my 19 year old selves messy writing sprawled across them. I had found the first show I had ever written. It had taken me all those years from being a young 11 year old girl, listening to a Coldplay track on repeat to gain inspiration, for me to do something about it. I had written out scenes, music I'd use. Step by step instructions on how it would be staged. It all came flooding back to me. I remember listening to Voodoo People (Pendulum Mix) repeatedly until my ears felt like they'd explode and my head was pounding, whilst lying on my bed and then slowly getting up, trying to map the choreography I had in my brain on to paper.

I look back at all of that and really kick myself. Why didn't I go on to study something that consumed so much of me and why was I still not studying it? I have been a fool, I must admit. I study a course surrounded by wonderful people and I know the master plan in the grand scheme of things yet, I hope I haven't left it too late.

Over the last couple of years I had made dvds for my sister's birthday. I created shows, alongside my ex (who thankfully edited them for me!) and found my inspiration and passion for it all over again. 

I may not be treading the boards as such, right now but I know that at some point I will focus my attention entirely on this and I will live out the dreams I've had since I was a young, shy girl crying on her bedroom floor.

Hannah xox

Day 229.

It was funny to see how certain people can't handle the fact I've changed and won't give me the opportunity to show that. It's funny how certain people aren't responsive when I say I am no longer that girl. It's funny to see how the people who refuse to see my new found spirit are the ones who took it away from me in the first place.

*

It's been just over a week since I moved back to Eastbourne and despite my initial dread of being back here, I'm finding it really great. After being away for a little while it's good to be back. I can definitely see how I am different in comparison to when I left. Seriously. I am in the best personal situation I think I could be right now. Of course, there are still a few obstacles I need to over come but ultimately I am at this point where everything is settling perfectly.

It's been half term for me this week...thank the Lord. Problem with half term is they give you a week or so off and you get settled in to the routine of lounging around 'doing work' that you really don't want to go back. I know I shouldn't really complain, I only do two days a week, but even so. I've managed to teach myself the drums, up to a point and have rediscovered two friends. I really haven't done a lot. 

I'll be honest with you. The money situation is beginning to worry me now. I had a job interview on Monday and it went really well. I haven't heard anything yet but they did say it would be a couple of days until I do. I really hope I get it. I am so desperate to be working. It's all fun having days at my own leisure but realistically I need to be doing something with my days not sitting about literally doing nothing. The excitement of laying in bed all day has really taken it's toll now. I am/have become a blob. I am not enjoying being a blob.

I started watching Girls this week. I don't know how I've gone so long without it in my life. I am utterly in love with Lena Dunham. Too much. If you haven't seen it, I recommend you do. Seriously. What I did notice, after the first episode, is how, it seems, that is me. Let's look at the similarities here. Her name is Hannah, my name is Hannah. She is 24, I am 24. She writes, I write. She flits between jobs, I do that so much I actually can't remember everywhere I've worked. She waffles at times, I do that far too much. She is slightly overweight with the joys of tiny boobs, need I say more. I first watched thinking 'this is super spooky'. That is me. I have fallen in love and have managed to get through to season 3 where I now await the latest episodes. 

Hannah xox

Day 223.

I hate it when the ties on my hoodie come out of one side.

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What do you guys think of this? Agree? I think I do. As much as I believe in having our privacy in a relationship, the minute you starting hiding things, deleting things then you know something's not right.

In my time I've received the occasional penis photo from fellas trying to get me interested. Of course, this hasn't been the first thing they've sent me but what an odd thing to do. I don't really get it myself. Don't get me wrong, at the right time seeing something like that isn't the worst thing in the world but only really in person. A photo of someone's genitals just doesn't really get me in the mood and screaming from the rooftops. Just saying. 

I mean, it's wonderful you're so proud of your assets that you want to show them off to the world yet perhaps it isn't the world that you want to see them? Even in a relationship I can't imagine sending my partner pictures of me. Not that graphic anyway. I don't recall any relationship I've ever been in having any element of that. A naughty text is all good but as long as it's with the person you're with. 

The last one I received, from what I recall, was from someone in a last ditch attempt to get me to go round and see them. For a start, I am no booty call. Secondly, that isn't really what entices me to see people. It really, really isn't. When I first saw it, I was quite shocked. That was definitely not what I expected to see. Especially not when I was on a night out with a friend. The question is though...did I eventually show the friend? (It's a secret!) That's the thing though. How do you know, when you send photos like that, that they are definitely going to that person and that person only? The fear of my body parts being exposed (as it were) to other people rather than one it was intended for, scares me.

So, if you were in a relationship with someone and found out they had sent 'naughty' photos to someone else and had then received some back, how would you feel? I doubt you'd like it very much at all, that's for sure. Yet, as the single person do you feel bad for doing it? Now, I don't really know the answer to this at all as I have never been in that situation. Namely because I'm not a bad person. I genuinely pity anyone who is hitting on someone else when they're already dating, engaged or married. Shame on you. If you aren't happy with your partner why don't you leave them rather than starting up something new with someone else? The other difficult thing to swallow with this is when the other person is fully aware that their 'love' interest is in a relationship. Especially if they preach to have such high morals. I find that very bizarre.

With the rise of social networking sites, images are becoming even easier to send and hide (think Snapchat-once you've seen it, that's it!) and that makes me wonder. Does this make our lives easier if we do want to cheat?

I guess, being single, helps me to look at being in a relationship more carefully. I worry more so about being involved with someone after some of the things I have witnessed since being alone. I've seen people in relationships cheat and I've seen single people involve themselves in people with relationships. I don't think I want to be part of that world really. Maybe being the way I am now (no man Han) is the best way to be for a very long time or, at least, until someone is able to change my mind.

If you're cheating then stop. Break up with your partner and move on. I bet it's not so fun once the element of danger is taken away.

I'm still holding out for a good guy with a good heart. None of this other rubbish that seems to be floating around right now.

Hannah xox

Day 222.

There are lessons to be learned everyday. Don't send 'naughty' photos of yourself to people. (This is not something I have done by the way).

*

You know when you find something out that you shouldn't have done and your heart literally pounds as though it's about to burst through your chest, you can't breathe and you start to feel sick. Yeah that. Usually, that kind of 'excitement' gives me an episode which, no doubt, is soon to happen. My head is really hot and I can feel my pulse raging through me. It's horrible. I feel disgusted.

I have found out something. Something I am not going to tell anyone. Not one person will ever know this so for the sake of having an argument...don't ask me. However, I found something out. Something I never thought would occur from this person. The person I never thought could do something like this. I've found out that this person is the biggest hypocrite known to man and shall no longer be trusted or believed. That is so sad. Someone I thought I knew has surpassed all my lowest expectations and has revealed their true colours entirely.

It's upsetting me so much more because of the implications of it all. I remember when I became single people were quick to jump to conclusions about me and certain people I was apparently 'seeing'. All of it was nonsense and they had nothing to back it up with. It also materialised whilst I was still with my ex that people were making up lies about me sleeping with someone else. Something that repulsed me. How could people even begin to make that kind of stuff up, I'll never know. I found something out that put all of this stuff in to absolutely minute importance. I look back at the things I've done/apparently done, since I was single and see this and feel sick. 

Now, it's not really my place to say anything. Hence why I won't but I never thought this was even possible. If this was to ever materialise in to anything further (although it's pretty serious now) I don't think I could continue seeing them. It wouldn't upset me losing this person from my life. No big loss at all really, thinking about it but it would be a shame. It would be a shame after everything this person has said to me. All the bull they've come out with over and over again. I would be devastated if this didn't end. If this was to air and everyone was aware, a certain smelly substance would definitely hit the fan and more than one life would be ruined. Heartbreak wouldn't even cover it.

I needed to write this down to get it out of my system before I'm exposed to human beings again (I've been home alone today). I needed to vent a little of it, without being direct and obvious. I just needed to get it out now. I'm upset, I really am. I'm disappointed, I'm hurt, I'm embarrassed. This time calls for Hannah to put on a brave face and hope that it's all in the past. That this ridiculous and excruciatingly nasty situation stops. 

Sorry it's been an odd one.

Hannah xox

Day 221.

"Stop humping."

*

In the magical, mystical world of Hannah today:

• I haven't been sick for 24 hours,
• I did the washing up,
• I obsessed over my YouTube favourite,
• I made up my bedroom. 

Luckily, I stopped feeling ill. I haven't been sick for 24 hours which is very promising and my body isn't aching so much. Well, apart from my ribs. I feel like someone is pressing against me every time I breathe but I'm assuming that's just from the over doing it on the heaving front. Not nice. My entire family have now got it along with my uncle having to have the ambulance out to check he isn't dying. Scary times, my friends.

As I was feeling better I decided to resume my job hunting search and got somewhere! Well, sort of. A care home near town. Hoping they want some night staff as I'm really not too keen to be doing days. Ever since I got this night shift idea in my head it has completely put me off day shifts full stop! I did get a call from the care home I did a trial run with but I don't intend on speaking to them. Not yet anyway. Not unless I've spoken to CQC first. Crikey! The care home in town replied to me within the hour of me sending my application form so at least they seem efficient.

Not only have I been very well behaved and looked for a job I also decided to actually make my new room, my room. For all of you who aren't aware, I have moved back in (briefly) with the friend (formerly referred to as my ex) whilst I hunt down a job and save some money. Some of you may find it odd that I am living with my ex, however, allow me to assure you that I don't refer to him as my ex, he is my friend, hence it is not so odd anymore. There is nothing going on with us at all. If anything, he is my adopted brother.  Let's leave it at that. So, anyway, I moved in with my friend the day I got sick. Not the best way to start my time in a new home, however, after feeling better today it did allow for me to get my room set up and looking perty. Well, better than before at least. I don't have any storage and all I do have is a mirror and desk (which I am loving right now-so much better than having the laptop in bed with me!) So it's feeling a little more homely. I just hope the job comes along to go with it then I can save for my own place which is, ideally, all I want more than anything right now!

If you like your beauty/fashion blogs and like cute things then I would definitely recommend you check out Zoella. She is the cutest ever and today I have spent a large portion of my time going through her YouTube channel being very upset that I didn't get to go to Dubai in December amongst many other things. She definitely does inspire me to get my vlog going so watch this space whilst I try and figure that out this year!

Anyway guys, just a little update to let you know what's going on in the world of Hannah. I must do some Uni work this week. If anyone fancies a reflexology treatment please let me know! I need to do 3 over this half term and I am desperate to get the practise in. (Find me on Facebook- http://www.facebook.com/MissCase)

Hannah xox