Day 30.

Mischievous. Naughty. Impish. She was looking for the smiles that were hidden beneath the frown. The freedom that was lost. The responsibility that was gained. The heart ache that was felt.

*

Today I have become a director...of sorts. I am now pretty much in full control of the long awaited pantomime which will happen in December and I can't wait. The lights. The music. The excitement. The applause. This is where I thrive. This is the place that made me feel complete. Writing and performing are the only things that stir my heart in this way. 

The only negative of this wondrous tale is that it may not actually come to fruition. Alas, the wonderful university opportunity has taken it's toll on my yearly pantomime performances in the sense that the very usual Thursday rehearsals will have to be changed. If they cannot be changed, I cannot be involved. The one year I pluck up enough courage to say 'I want to help direct' and lo and behold there's a chance I may not be able to! Typical!

I just had a sudden rush of butterflies in my stomach. That was odd. It was like a flutter of love mixed with panic. I don't know quite what happened.

Other than my pantomime excitement I decided to wind my mam up by putting her washing out to dry with at least ten pegs on each item of clothing. Needless to say the rain appeared and it took her quite some time to remove them all. I had obviously left by then. Ah, the joys of being a naughty daughter. I also hid and scared the living wotsit out of my sister too earlier. It has been a productive day overall.

I met a new lady in work today. She, I believe, is to become a regular of mine. She kept telling me her husband had come back from the dead and there was a man living in the loft. I am easily scared so this did me no favours at all, as you can imagine. I get to go back again tomorrow. This time I will use my distraction techniques. It would have been nice to be told what kind of person I would be dealing with.

It is only a brief post today as I have to go back to work. 

Wish me luck for later.

Hannah xox

Day 29.

I think it's safe to say that peace had been restored. Well, mostly. The time would come where it would all be resolved one way or another. She hoped it would be good news. She hoped it would all be okay again.

*

It's safe to say that tonight has been the best evening of work I have done in a very long time. Not only did I laugh pretty much the whole time, I was also more accepted as part of the team. It felt as though people now recognised me as a 'proper' carer within their homes. It does take time, I know. What with getting to know the client, their family, their routines, their preferences etc. Once you have been accepted in, life becomes a lot easier. I am being given more responsibility. I am being the first carer to enter new peoples homes and it's amazing. Sounds such a trivial thing but if you're being allowed to be the first carer in, representing the company, it means you're doing alright.

I've been feeling really positive all evening. It's nice doing these extra shifts, knowing I am becoming more and more experienced. After the last two or so years in the Care industry I finally feel truly competent. I am not nervous about going in to new places or meeting new people and it has really affected my personal life. There once was a time where I couldn't walk in to any venue without someone with me; yet now I waltz in (not literally) with the confidence and presence I should have felt comfortable having years ago. It's a refreshing change to say the least.

The last few days have been weird. They've been eye opening, yes, but most definitely weird. People I don't talk to start springing up with their opinions and views about me which, quite frankly, were a little entertaining. I have a real issue with people telling me how I feel and what I think. I clearly have my own mind. If I didn't I would just be your usual mindless sheep. Baa. I have another issue with lies and manipulation. These have all been dealt with and are now ignored. I am at peace with myself nowadays and the negativity some people have to bring along is no longer wanted.

All in all it has been a fantastic day. I got to watch my period dramas in between calls, I got given a chocolate bunny, I currently have wine and all my shifts were splendid. It's amazing how work can take your mind off real life.

I am one happy bunny...possibly because I consumed the chocolate variety earlier...but still.

Life is good. Live it how you want. If you love someone, tell them. If you don't like someone, get over it. 

Hannah xox

Day 28.1.

She is the one you always think of. The one who has captured your heart in a way that you never imagined. She is the one who believes in you. Who has fallen for you. She is the one you trust. She is your ally. Her name is only whispered on the wind but her love burns strongly in your heart.

*

I have found in my few years on this Earth that faith in humanity can be restored from a gentle word from a kind other. KJ was good to me. The words spoken were usually exactly what I needed to hear. "Where has the strong Hannah I once knew gone?" These are the words that have sparked my heart and mind back to where they needed to be.

It took me some time to realise that not everyone will like me and I would not like other people. Some times through no reason at all. It is just that we are not destined to be friends or, indeed, acquaintances. This is something I can live with happily. I am optimistic for my future again. There is nothing now that stands in the way of my happiness apart from myself and my own self doubt. This is not to be given in to.

Karma is my mistress now and I know she will rear her head when the time is right and punish those who have caused misfortune now. Whether that be to me, for all the wicked things I have supposedly done, or to those who are determined on causing pain and unkindness to others for no real reason. I will gladly take her punishment if I have done wrong yet I am the only one who really knows the truth and I will stick by my truth no matter what. It has all become petty. It is bullying in it's lowest form. It is childish and irrelevant and I must remember that. I must not waste another tear on anyone who tries to bring me down.

The kindness I have received from the only true people in my life is what should help me move forward. It will help me forward. The Hannah I once knew has faded in to more of a wall flower but no more. I am always saying I should find her again. Look her in the eye and admit who I really am. What I really am. I will find her courage, her strength, her determination and passion for all life has to offer and I will let her blossom once more. There is no use in life allowing the small things cloud your mind when your destiny is there for the taking.

University will be my saviour in some respects. I will meet new, like minded people and relish in the fact that I am slightly away from the town I once thought of as home. It will allow me to grow as an individual. It will allow me to become the woman I truly am, without hiding behind this mask. The mask that has become my safety net. The aggressive, unaffected b.shit I parade around is not me. It is not who I truly am. It is my cover. To protect me from anything that has decided to jeopardise my happiness. The mask is slipping and my softer, romantic, affected side is becoming prominent.

I am sorry to those I have hurt. I am not sorry to those who deserved it. Justice will be done and I will be there to either embrace it or watch, as it slowly destroys those who feel their power is any greater than mine. We are all equal. We are all united in the same, ever present fact. We are all human and we all make mistakes. My mistakes are my burden and no one else has the right to judge me on them. In the same way I have no right to judge anyone else.

Remember that she lurks around every corner, waiting to take her prey as she sees fit. She is a strong force, one of which that can't be avoided. Be good to others and she will be good to you. I wish you luck in your futures and I hope you find happiness. It is now time for me to find mine so please, leave me be. If you dislike me, remove me from your life. If you don't agree with my words, remove me from your life. If you don't like my choices, remove me from your life. I shouldn't have to be the only adult here.

Hannah xox

Day 28.

Heart breaking. Wishing and praying they'd just say those words you'd been longing to hear for so long. Rumour and gossip spreading like wild fire. Distancing yourself from something that won't give up. It was heart break. It really was.

*

On Friday night I wore stupid shoes. Again. Then, I fell over. Again. I don't feel it's appropriate to go out for an evening of drinking without falling down at least once. This seems to be my 'thing'. I had a good time. Dancing, drinking, walking my friend out because she was 'spinning' at 11pm. I need to train her to drink more. Lightweight.

Losing a friend or someone you're really close to is the worst thing ever. It is like breaking up with a long term partner. You know it's for the best but you don't want it to happen. What do you do if you don't think it's for the best but are doing it just to save the aggro? What if it's the last thing you want to do but are scared if you don't, things will get harder?

This town is incredibly small. Everyone knows everyone and everyone thinks they know everyone's business. Although, they probably do know everyone's business seeing as no one can be trusted. This is what makes friendships fail. The doubts, the rumours, the blatant lies. All because there are some who cannot find anything better to do than spread meaningless b.shit around, in the desperate hope that it will keep them entertained for a lot longer as they have sweet f.a to focus on in their own lives. I got the best text yesterday which sums up my point entirely...

"Hello. Just a quick one to say; really don't worry about what that particular group of people say. They are all the dregs of Eastbourne society. None of them have any aspiration to do or be anything and they all lead completely uneventful lives, so obviously the only thing that keeps them remotely entertained is gossip. They'd dry out and die without it. x"

KJ was good with his words of wisdom.

We begin to wonder if these lies are true. We begin to believe those who say it. We begin to doubt our friends and go against our better judgement. We should listen to our inner guide. We don't have this gut instinct for nothing. We should trust it, listen to it, realise that it might know us better than some gossip driven moron desperate for attention. Hmm...

Either way I am scared of losing the people I love because of malicious lies and rumour. I find it funny that certain people have said to me 'I know what went on' when in actual fact they have no clue because they were never there. Does make me giggle. 

Happier posts will come later. Promise. 

Hannah xox

Day 25.

She tossed and turned. Her dreams confused, manic. The cold sweat on her back making her shiver as she removed her top. No real sleep tonight. Only sadness filled her mind. She was lost in a blur of  emotions.

*

After waking from my dream of zombies I felt romantic. Yet again, the hopeless romantic in my head awoke, despite all my efforts to suppress her. I don't know whether it was the thought of the undead biting in to my neck or the running away from them that really sparked it but I awoke with one thought.

Don't we all want to be loved and swept off our feet? Can't we all dream that there is someone out there who can do all the things we have always wanted? Or is it too much to ask?

A brief moment. Just one thought. Putting a fire in my heart. One I couldn't get rid of. One I couldn't hold back. Is it too much to ask for one man...or woman, I don't discriminate...to love me?

“A girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then. It is something to think of” 

I had always dreamed of being with someone who would come all the way to my house just to kiss me and say he loved me. Someone who would leave a flower on my doorstep just so I know he had been there and thought of me. Someone who would leave me little notes around the house...(purely affectionate ones, of course, not a reminder to empty the dishwasher)...Someone who went out of their way to prove that they really are different from all the rest.

It's a pet hate of mine. If someone ever utters the words to me 'I'm different from all the other guys' I shudder and tell them to stop. It's the biggest lie ever told. Don't ever say it. To me, anyway. Something like that can only be shown through actions, the words mean nothing. Anyone can say them yet not many can prove it.

Right now is not a good time for me. I am not looking for Mr/Mrs Right. The only person I am searching for is me and, although my body may be present, my mind has disappeared in to romance novels and loving thoughts. I will be single for some time and it's really okay by me.

Hannah xox

Day 24.

It's times like these she wished she had better luck. It's days like that when she realises who she could have been. It's people like them who make her proud to be nothing like that. She was hoping for something more but it all felt so out of reach.

*

The idea that people can actually change seems really alien to some. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to see people's attempts, even though they may only be small. I can't understand why you wouldn't give someone the opportunity to better themselves. I can't understand why you would consistently push them down again rather than help lift them up.

Reputation can be a deal breaker. Reputations are horrible, usually. I have the reputation of being an awful drunk. Funnily enough though I am only like that with certain people in certain situations. If you genuinely make me happy I don't tend to have too much of a problem. This reputation of mine is not one I am fussed about. I know I am a good person and I know that I will not let people treat me like utter crap. Yet I am the bad person...go figure.

A reputation can stay with you forever if you don't do anything to correct it. If you constantly prove people right you can't expect them to support you forever, can you? We all make foolish life choices and we all pay the price at some point or another. Those who bring up our pasts to ruin our future are not worth knowing. I know that most definitely. They're the people with nothing better to do and who, in most cases, tend to be the ones with very little going on in their own lives. They're the ones who create dramas that don't need to be there, they're the ones who spread rumours and lies for attention, they're the ones who can't cope with their own issues so involve themselves in other peoples. It's boring and over done. 

I'd like to think I can be a good friend to people who deserve it. I will support, encourage and love whoever you are if you show me the same back. If you haven't done anything to me, I have no reason to dislike you. We all know someone who's reputation precedes them but does that mean you give up on them or stick by them?

Either way I know that I will be there for those who need it and I will give them the opportunity to prove people wrong. That's the thing though, surely if we are being judged on our previous behaviour, we should feel motivated to stick two fingers in the air, change how we are and go 'fuck you world.' I would want to prove a point that all those people were wrong about me. I will prove it and when I do I will make sure that none of those drama seeking people are in my life to enjoy my success.

Hannah xox

Day 23.

It felt natural as though it was always meant to be this way. The chance to start over. Adjust all the flaws that bring you down. Become the person you have wanted to be for so long. No tears left. Just acceptance.

*

As you may or may not know, I have recently become a singleton. After nearly three years we decided we are better off without each other and in some ways I feel relief. We were pretty much living like brother and sister. I felt like I was a lodger. Now we are okay. It feels weird but the excitement that I can have my zebra print duvet is phenomenal. I don't want to discuss it all too much. It's still raw. Still uncomfortable to think of times where he would usually be there but now won't be. Thinking of all the plans we once made that won't happen. The excitement of living in this gorgeous bungalow together is now just a shadow of what it used to be. It's all just weird.

However...

On looking at my single status I am now feeling motivated, happy, free, excited. I am looking forward to my future which I can now plan for so it is exactly how I want it. I start uni in October and I couldn't be more excited. Throwing oil over people and squeezing their feet seems too much fun to be missed! Sounds kind of kinky...I digress...

Perhaps now I am out of the relationship bubble I am seeing the world in a completely different way. I am seeing certain people for how they really are, I am seeing the nature of this town through open eyes rather than shielding myself from the b.shit. This transformation in my life will include a cull. A cull of all the soul destroying, lying, manipulative people who occasionally dart in and out of my life in the hope of destroying it with their tales. (If you think you are one of them then it's clear you have a guilty conscience...) I have no time for them anymore. I have no time for the negativity. 

I am concentrating on spending my time with people I love and strengthening the friendships I already have and value most. Maybe not everyone will agree with my choices but I certainly know that I have people in my life who want to be there, who are strong, determined, supportive, loving. That's all I need right now. I need the positive energy to be the most prominent force each day.

Ronnie would always be important to me. Death wishes don't last long.