Day 15.

"Earth to Hannah. Come in. Can you hear me? Hannah? Life is not a fairytale and it won't ever be like it is in the movies. Wake up."

*

I came down to Earth with a bang.

I am a dreamer. There is no denying it. I am the kind of person desperate to be passionately kissed in the rain, come home to a house full of flowers, proposed to under the stars. I am the hopeless romantic in an unromantic relationship. I don't judge him though, that's the way he is but it isn't the way I am. I should definitely have been an actress. I could have acted out these scenes over and over again, yet they still wouldn't be my moments.

Do I want him to be more romantic? No. If that isn't who he is, I don't want him that way. Forced. Awkward. Uncomfortable. No thanks. Either I am with a romantic man or I am not. Left in my own dream world. Do I believe in forever? Maybe once but not so much now. With 'gentlemen' in serious decline does it mean us ladies have to forget all about the being swept off our feet routine? Do we no longer deserve it?

I deserve it and I will tell you why. After years of disastrous relationships I reckon I have earned it. I've put up with cheats, liars and everything else in between. No more! I quit. I have given up 'bad' men and I am certainly no longer going to accept average. I want amazing. I want the butterflies, the passion, the commitment, the excitement. Why should I expect anything less? Why should you expect anything less?

I had my life all planned out. Nothing has turned out how I expected it. So far. House in the countryside, three kids, dogs and a husband who dotes on me. Traditional. Simple. Loving. Wholesome. Am I expecting too much though? Can dreams really come true?

Running away always seems a romantic idea. Think Lydia and Mr Wickham in Pride and Prejudice. Can it ever be a good thing? Leaving everyone and everything behind in the hope that the love you have will last? I always like to think it would. Especially if it's real. "I am going to Gretna Green, and if you cannot guess with who, I shall think you a simpleton, for there is but one man in the world I love, and he is an angel." If only life were like the times of this and we were so naive as this in love.

A relationship may not be how you planned it. It may not be how you want it. Yet it is still precious. They take hard work, dedication and loyalty. If you've tried and it isn't working, you aren't happy or if you're looking elsewhere-my advice- start re-thinking what you want and what you are doing with that person. Don't break someone's heart just because you are confused by yours. Some times the best decisions we make are the ones we choose with our heart.

Back I go to my dreams. My hopeless dreams. My hopeless romantic dreams.

"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

Day 12.1

Love. Life. Forever. Marriage. Kids. Dreams. Honeymoon. Clingy. Needy. Desperate. Passion. Romance. Happiness. Loyalty. Trust.

*

How can people fall in 'love' so quickly? As far as my previous exploration in to the subject goes; you can't. I will allow you lust but really? Love? So soon? It's all so common now to throw the word love around until you've lost count of how many times you've declared it. We say we 'love' people even if we've never met them, we say we 'love' people after meeting them a few times, we say we 'love' someone just to get them in to bed, we say we 'love' someone when we get those butterflies.

I like love. I don't love love because love hurts and I don't appreciate things that hurt me.

Time and time again people fall in to a relationship to then suddenly admitting their undying love for one another, how they can see themselves marrying the other person and so on and so forth. Yawn. Please refrain from telling me. 

Love is tricky because being able to decipher what is lust and what is love is an actual art; of which you need to have practiced a few times before you claim to feel it. Love makes you sick. Love makes you giddy. Love makes you feel on top of the world but at the same time completely vulnerable. Love is...

Who knows?

Relationships of people who were 'in love' fairly quickly appear to end, fairly quickly too. Go figure. Rather than ironing out the creases in their relationship they give up at the first hurdle because the wonderful, honeymoon period has come crashing to Earth with an almighty bang. 

So, after all of that, what I am trying to say is:

If you're in love, tell them. If you aren't sure, keep it quiet. If you haven't been dating that long, the chances are it isn't love. 

Hannah x

Day 12.

Finally it is Friday. Not that it makes much difference. Tonight. Drunk. Dancing. Best friend. One of. Laughing so hard it hurts. Becoming a lesbian for the evening. Shouldn't be too difficult.

*

Today I laughed. No wait, I cried with laughter. In a shower room with my client and the other carer. He has a real fear of water. He hates it. We washed him. So far so good; then it came to rinsing him off... I seriously haven't laughed so hard in ages. I was crying. It was hot. It was hilarious. The other carer is a bit of a character, I think she is amazing. Sadly she leaves in a couple of weeks which means I won't be seeing her again. I must find her on Facebook. Anyway, as the shower head was lifted, aiming for his back, my client started screaming. It was panic. He did start giggling though, so he felt safe. Not only was he wailing, the other carer started copying him and oh my days, it was the funniest thing ever. Definitely a 'had to be there' moment.

I wrote the other day how the three main things that excite me are payday, writing and sex. So far I have had payday and here is the writing, but now what about the sex? 

Does tolerating things mean we are strong or just weak at following our beliefs? Does putting up with behaviour and rumour mean we are gullible and stupid? Who can we trust anymore? I have been in a relationship now for nearly three years. Some good times and certainly some bad. Have I tolerated things I wouldn't have done years ago? Yes. Most definitely yes. There's no point letting it consume you though. Unfortunately, some things can never be forgotten but can they truly be forgiven? As I sit here, I really wonder how relationships are supposed to be. We all know the main rules. Don't cheat, don't lie, don't abuse but do we all make up our own rules as we go along? Identity can be lost fairly quickly if you don't hold on to it tightly. I've watched mine disappear before. I have always been head strong, fiery, passionate. I was always adamant I would never change for any man yet here I am; a totally different woman to who I was three years ago. Some changes have been for the better, some for the worse. Now, these aren't all necessarily my partner's fault as you only change when you want to. Any one who forces you to change is an arsehole and doesn't deserve your time. 

For some reason I am in an anti-man state of mind but for no real reason. I am considering becoming a lesbian, full time. None of this half arsed rubbish. Wouldn't that be easier? I doubt it. Women are as hard work as men just in a different way. Men seem to struggle with emotions and women seem to struggle suppressing their emotions. We need to take a leaf out of each others books.

I hate waiting for texts. I definitely need to be drunk soon. I am determined to dirty dance with her. Oh, and see how drunk I can get her. 

Hannah x

Day 11.

Looming rain clouds. Camp. Very camp. Bill and Ben mimicking turned in to laughs all morning. Happy feeling in the air. Shopping call resulting in desperate hunt for Tena Lady. Sex and the City and time on the treadmill.

*

As Thursday reared it's gloomy head I was a little apprehensive of my second call. I would be meeting another member of the team. The team of which I had been part of for nearly three months, yet had only met a handful of other carers. I preferred working on my own though to be honest. No judgement, no awkward chit chat, no interference. He was lovely though. A real sweetheart, very flustered, very camp, very me. I was assigned the task of washing the man who is petrified of water, due to some incident in the war. This man loves the ladies. He will love it even more tomorrow when he has two of us.

After my uneventful shopping call, which should last an hour yet actually takes me nearly to the two hour mark, I wanted to get home and fast. I couldn't bare to hear another story about the new Prince and the entire history of the royal family. She is a sweet lady, at times, but only manageable in small doses. I am like a saviour to all carers now I have taken on her call. Go me. 

I am now feeling quite excited. Not only is Friday a wonderful day, not only because I get the weekend's mornings off. (Well planned.) I also get, tomorrow, to go out with my long, lost friend Kerry. I get to try and dye my roots. I get to spend all afternoon pampering myself and no doubt appearing on countless ladders and blogging all sorts. It is a good day had by all, mostly. Tomorrow evening we are going for a meal then drinks then dancing. I need time with her. I need some time away from men. Not that it will be easy once in town but at least she will be with me. This really sounds like a proper girl crush and in some respects it is. She's a tough cookie. Most definitely. In the years we have known each other she has told me everything. Literally. At one point I kicked her little sister out of her own room just so I could stay over. They were good memories. Being woken up by the younger brother. He's changed so much. I miss those days.

There I go again. Being all nostalgic. Seems to be all I do now. Hearing songs that remind me of good times. Speaking to people I haven't heard from in years. Looking back through old photos. It's really lovely.

Hannah xox

Day 10.1

Repetitive. Sympathy. The sun shining on my back; my hair glowing. Singing songs in the car. Cake. Fizzy water. Family time.

*

After a brief visit to Morrisons I was lucky enough to hear the most fantastic conversation. In fact, one of the most irritating, for a girl anyway, conversations on Earth.You've guessed it. It's old faithful. Rearing it's ugly head yet again to spark a joyous chat between man and woman. "Are you in a mood?"

First off, if you think she is, you're probably right. Maybe leave her alone, try and make her smile. Perhaps you could even get your head around the fact that it could have been you that put her in a mood? Or maybe, just maybe, she actually isn't in a mood and is just feeling quiet, thoughtful, taking a step inside so she can work things out in her head? Clearly these men know nothing...

Asking a girl if she's in a mood is like asking if you can dropkick a thousand puppies in an RSPCA centre. It doesn't go down particularly well. Ever. Fact. Learn from this manthings. It is important for your survival. If you're fed up of her being 'in a mood'- go away! Or simply ask if she wants to talk, if she says no, bites your head off and gets even grumpier you have still done well. At the time we won't make you feel like we have appreciated it but we will have done.

Her response was the best though. He asked whether she was in a mood and she simply responded, "No, I'm not, I wasn't but now I am. Stop asking or it will be the last thing you do." I do love a fiery woman. I smiled as I walked away from them, wondering whether I react the same. I definitely do. Usually a lot worse. I don't care. You aggravate me, I will be sure you realise it.

Over and over this conversation will have been played out in relationships each probably not ending too well. Note to man people: If you think asking whether we are in a mood will make us kick off, try asking if we are on our periods. I wish you all the luck in the world my friend.

Hannah xox

Day 10.

Some days it got too much. It became unbearable to read the generic bull shit coming through on social media. Things felt distant. Happy though. Things to look forward to. The worst response to anything. Ever. "Ok."

*

After my sister finally being able to say 'love you' in a text, I realised how grown up she had become. The fear of being in hospital over night, on her own, had probably sparked this sudden admission but it was warmly welcomed all the same. My family always seems to have difficulty in expressing emotion, apart from anger. We are good at arguing, not so much at admitting love for one another. Maybe this is why I am so cynical about love and relationships. Maybe this is why I am a hopeless romantic.

Today I struggled to be confident. The pressure of 'performing' got too much, I suppose. Was I always putting on an act? I felt relieved to be out of that house. Using my fake smile and laugh began to wear me out. I was so nervous there and I didn't know why. After what seemed the fastest hour ever, it was all finished with. The act could stop but why did I stress myself out so much? There was really no need. I am competent. Good at what I do. Passionate to learn more. That should be enough for me.

Planning a night out is sometimes all the medicine you need. Especially when it's with a friend you barely see. A friend you've missed so much for the last couple of years you thought at times that nothing could be salvaged from 'the wreckage', formerly known as life, that pretty much destroyed it. Men got in the way. Work got in the way. Life most definitely got in the way. I have her back though, slowly but surely. My friend of many years, my true friend, never really did leave. I can't wait until Friday.

I began to wonder what my relationships with others would be like in a few years time. When someone you really love leaves your life it can feel completely empty. (My advice, if you want them back, make the first move and persevere. Only until, of course, they tell you to 'fuck off and never speak to them again', would I advise, perhaps, to forget about it.) Would I be best friends with the person I thought I'd never like? Would I still be in love? Would I be having fun? Some questions are best left unanswered. The future can seem scary.

Why can I leave my house looking and feeling good yet return home in a state, which can only be described as 'worn out'? (Answers on a post card kids.) I think seagulls are shagging on my roof.

Hannah xox

Day 9.

She was pleasant enough. Funny. The smell was unbearable. More of a stench. Foul. Breath taking but in the worst possible way. Thank God for gloves and aprons. Thank God it was only for an hour. It was intense. You couldn't see for flies and shit.

*

Today I feel vulnerable. I feel as though my feelings are out of control, as though I have no real sense of what they are and what they mean. I don't know how to be. I feel good about myself which hasn't happened in a while. It's as though I am expecting something to go wrong. The butterflies. The anticipation but of what? What is it I am actually waiting for?

Vulnerable I may be but I also feel powerful, sexy, in control. Whatever has happened to me over the last couple of days is unknown. Yet I feel this inner burning. (No not heart burn.) An intense, over whelming, passionate desire to rekindle the Miss Case that once was. Similar to yesterday but this is fierce. It's uncontrollable. Am I setting myself up for my downfall?

There it is. There's the fear. The fear of preparing myself for a great fall. I've also thought I was intuitive. As if I knew when things were going to happen but never like this. I feel I need a beer, cigarettes and a long day with a good friend. Mulling life over. Asking the questions that shouldn't really be asked. Revealing how I actually feel rather than what 'should' be said. Is it bad to question your entire life over a feeling?

My mind is resolute. It is focused, determined, fully submersed in my thoughts. Drowning in over thinking. Sinking in to myself entirely. How would I re-surface? Gasping for air in an over crowded mind.

I feel alone yet fully surrounded. Things are just clicking in to place as they should be. The world around me is changing. Entirely. I am changing. I can feel it in my bones. I am lost yet found. Hidden but exposed. Head or heart? The question of a life time. It's all good trying to figure out the meaning of life but how do we distinguish which feelings we follow? Is it the head or the heart? I always believed I followed my heart and it served me well for many years. However, as those years have rushed by me I feel like I am only following my head. My heart being left redundant in a cavity it once thrived in. 

Time will tell or so they say. Who are 'they'? It's time to excite that old heart of mine and put it to good use. 

Hannah xox