Day 4.

It clings to my back. The suffocating fabric pressing against my chest. My stomach. I begin to wonder if I will make it through the day. I take a little water. Just to take the edge off. The overwhelming nausea. The gentle rumblings of an on coming headache. Must power through. They need you. They need you more than your desire to get back in to bed, sleep, eat, over think.

*

I really didn't want to get up this morning but, at the same time, I didn't want to stay in bed. It was one of those nights. When your fella rolls in at 3am drunk with his friend. Them trying to be quiet, only to make more noise than humanly possible. I didn't really mind. It was nice to know they were there. I hate being home alone; especially at night. It was comforting to hear them talking and laughing; everything felt like it did before. Before all the crap set in. At least that's over with now.

I set my alarm for 6am but after what happened that bank holiday I panic it won't go off. Stupid phone. I kept head butting the air hockey table (long story!) just to check the phone was still charging, checking the alarm was still on.I hate the thought of letting people down. I sat outside the clients house, retching, trying to hold back the disgusting feeling that had taken over my body. Like a morning sickness but more 'out of body'. Keep sipping water, that will stop it.

After making it through the whole day with no real problems I was proud. All I wanted to do was sit in the garden and read. So, I did. I finished my book. You know when something just grips you and even though your head has started to hurt, your arms are aching from propping yourself up and your eyes feel heavy, you have to keep reading? I had that moment. Due to limited books being in the house I have begun reading, shall we say, crime thrillers. Loving it. I always thought I was more of a spiritual, Bronte loving, romance novel kind of girl but there I was, desperate to find out who had been shagging the under age boys and killed Amin. It was intense.

Decided to blog from the bedroom today. That way I have a great view of the trees and the sky. My element. I am feeling reflective, confused, happy, sad, hungry, alone, content, peaceful. (I understand why people say women are hard work, especially when we are contending with all those emotions in one hit. It's not easy, I can tell you that.)

Midday tomorrow and I am finished with work for the weekend. That calls for time at the park, no doubt reading, with cider and people watching opportunities. I can't wait.

Hannah xox