Day 45.

Times were changing and she didn't know if she liked it. It's okay if you don't feel the sudden shift in another person's emotions. Then it isn't so much of a surprise. This was nothing short of a shock.

*

Last night was wonderful. It was a birthday meal for one of the nicest, most interesting young men I have had the pleasure of meeting. It was my sister's boyfriend's 18th. We all gathered at his pub to have a meal with friends and family. (Well, not his pub per se but his mum and step dad's pub.) I managed to show off my waitressing flair and got offered a part time job. If I could, I would. We chatted, laughed and generally had a lovely evening. His step dad has been wonderful to their family and he gave a speech, that inevitably made everyone cry. He is a lovely man with a good heart and it was so touching to see how much of a positive impact he had made on the family unit. 

My only awkwardness came when everyone was discussing my sister and her fella getting married. They have been together since they were 15 and are practically inseparable. In my head I think I would be devastated if my younger sister got married before me. After all, it used to bring shame upon a family if the youngest daughters got married before the elder. I appreciate this is taking a dive in to my period drama porn escapades but still should I be worried? Should I be concerned that at 23 I am now single with no real desire to find a man to couple up with? After all, plenty of people from my school are now married or have children. Am I missing out? Should I be settling down?

There are too many things I want to achieve that I don't think I can fully accomplish with a man in tow. There are too many things I want to try before I settle down in another serious relationship. Since I was 15 I have generally dated people who I stay with for at least a year plus. I never see the point in just dating a few months with no intention of it being serious. I think I actually look for a future life partner in every person I date and then wait for the outcome. I have been wrong every time yet I now know what it is I am looking for. I don't want to find someone, date for a few months and end up engaged. That scares me. You can't know whether it's meant to be in just a few short months, I'm sure of it. Yet, maybe that's where the risk and knowledge that you have to work at it comes in to play.

I am the kind of girl that needs real passion in a relationship. Without becoming too detailed I just want someone who will jump me spontaneously and give me those kisses that a girl only dreams about. Press against my body. Hold me tight. Love every inch of my body. There is no way I can be in a sexless relationship. No bloody way. I need that kind of passion. I also need someone who respects me. Respects my choices, my morals, my beliefs. I can't be doing with someone who needs to change me to fit their mold. I want someone who is faithful. That is fairly self explanatory.

Is there a point where we all get bored of searching for someone who is perfect for us and end up settling for average? Should we give up the hunt for the ideal partner and resign ourselves to the fact that this is all we can aspire to having? Should we be grateful that someone loves us at all whether or not they are who we truly want?

Hannah xox

Day 44.

She wanted to feel his touch again. She wanted to be close. Stare deep in to his eyes. Suss him out some more. Feel his body pressed against her. It was passion. It was longing. It was desire.

*

Men are funny. Funny looking and funny acting, mostly. There are some (Dermot O'leary) who are the epitome of perfection and I would quite happily give them a...

Men are funny purely for the reason that they will literally compliment/pay attention to anything with a pulse if it isn't wearing much clothing. Or so I have observed anyway. It appears to me that a woman, on a night out or otherwise, is unable to make certain wardrobe choices in fear of a man's lures. On Sunday night I had the pleasure of having one man try and stick his finger up my arse. Twice. What a gent. The second time he was given a pleasant warning from me. Can a woman not wear anything without being preyed upon by horny, creepy fellas? Is that the rule now? If you wear less you must expect more. More grief that is. I've found that, as a tall girl who regularly wears heels out, I have the wonderful advantage of being taller than most people in a club. I like this. It gives me a certain power and also means men don't get in the way. Well, apart from of my elbows.

I've pretty much given up on entertaining the thought of a man for now. I have no desire to be coupled up for years. Not one bit. No doubt my mind will be changed but I am not settling for second best. I am not going to end up partnered with a man who thinks it's acceptable to chat up other women while he's with me, not going to be with one that is abusive, a liar, a cheat. Perhaps all I am looking for is someone who will treat me as an individual, respect me, try to understand me and not have a problem with me writing about him. It's a fairly simple list of demands. And yes, they are demands because I have, over the years, let go certain things I would never have done. I am not becoming the pushover and allowing certain behaviours go unnoticed. 'Gut instinct' is ruling the roost. I am certainly going to be listening to mine more often.

This is not intended to be a 'man rant' because quite frankly, the issues I am noticing are not worth the air time anymore. Men seem too happy to accuse a woman of being jealous and moany when in actual fact they just appear like sexist pigs. Just saying...

Being single for the last month has been exceptional. (*Disclaimer- My ex is not a bad person, it just didn't work out. This is nothing personal to him.) I am the happiest I've been in such a long time but living with him can be problematic. At times it feels how we were before we broke up and that's strange. He says he's happy me living here because he 'likes me' but at the same time I think we are setting ourselves up for disaster if I stay here forever. I can't spread my wings properly while I am still here and honestly, he gets on my wick after a while. He is like a brother to me and I feel that allows me to hide potatoes in his bed and punch him now and again. It's a good friendship.

Hannah xox

Day 42.

The rain couldn't dampen her spirits. Nothing could right now. It was all fitting together. Perfectly. She could feel the spark burning within her again. She had come back to life.

*

Despite saying I won't get too drunk every single weekend I yet again let myself down on Friday. In all honestly, I laughed and laughed, spent time with people I love and danced my worries away. We walked home at 3:15 in the pouring rain just laughing. We also took the longest route. Foolish. My red hair dye was having a field day dripping all the way down my face, staining the back of my neck. I didn't care though. I was so happy I was spending time with her again, it could have all washed out for all I cared. We slept together, once again, and she refused to tickle my arms. Just like always. It felt as though nothing had really changed. We had just got older. We were both working. Hard. We both had completely separate lives that were joined by one beautiful thing. Friendship. The 7 years in which I'd known this girl had been phenomenal. I wanted them to continue forever and I really think they will.

I made it in to work on Saturday evening despite my sheer exhaustion. I forgot how hard it was sleeping next to her. Chatting, snoring, fidgeting. In some respect I was quite pleased to be working. For, as much as I can't be bothered to go in, at the same time, I love it whilst I am there.

Sleeping has become something of a difficulty for me lately. I don't think I am stressed so that wouldn't really explain it, although after pushing lots to the back of my mind and just gritting my teeth and getting on with it, maybe it is rearing it's head in other areas of my life. I think I am nervous to start Uni too. Enrollment is on 26th September. I genuinely can't wait. I have been saying it too much. I really can't though. The main reason I am so keen to go is to get away from Eastbourne. I moved here 5 years ago or so and the last few years I have been exposed to it's negative side or, should I say, negative people. Going out to Lewes fairly regularly will be my chance to distance myself even further from the problems, a lot easier than before. 

There is a possibility that I may have found a house share. Well, 2 opportunities really. One is located in Willingdon Trees and would be perfect for me. Cheap, nice area, close to the station. The other is with someone I vaguely know who is also in need of moving out from her current situation. To be honest, the first option seems the best. The price includes all bills which means I will have time to save up and pay off any outstanding debt, possibly get a new car then on to my own place. Who knows what will happen but either way, I am excited for whatever comes my way.

Hannah xox

Day 39.

Everything had slotted in to place. It was her chance to be amazing. Her chance to change her life and the world. We all do it daily, in our own little ways.

*

It has been one of those days where I really look at who I am and realise how much I have changed over the years, more importantly the last. For reasons I am unable to publish, today is significant to me for both good and bad reasons. Mainly bad. It is filled with regret, in a sense, shame, disappointment and resentment. However, I have healed from the whole drama of it fairly well yet it is still fresh in my mind. Nothing will ever take that feeling away from me. Before and after.

My spirits are high on the whole today, however. Knowing I don't have to work tomorrow evening is the main cause. Oh, that and I get paid tomorrow. It will finally be time to see whether these extra shifts have actually been worth doing or if the whole thing has been a waste of my petrol and energy. By only committing to part time hours each week, I am free to take or leave extra shifts at my own will. This is good as it means I am able to take the evenings off that I want but it also allows me to earn some extra money if I need it. Well, until Mr Tax-Man comes and takes it away. He's a lovely bloke honestly, especially when he's doing his rebates...

My excitement for Uni has become ridiculous now. I can't wait to get stuck in and learn something new. Something that interests me. I will always miss acting but I am intelligent to know that when it isn't meant to be, it just won't be. There is so much competition in that field, I know my talent is nothing compared to some others and I should just enjoy my am-dram rather than having my hopes dashed. Maybe in a few years time I will try something but, for now, I want to concentrate on gaining a solid career. Something to fall back on if I ever need it.

For the last few weeks I have been thinking of returning back to being a vegetarian. Well, pescatarian to be precise. A few years ago I had turned to vegetarianism in order to appreciate the supposed health benefits and the fact that I was sick to the stomach by some of the truly awful PETA videos I found online. The only reason I returned to meat is because I did a 48 hour fast on Christmas Eve and Day for Oxfam. I awoke on Boxing Day and my carnal pleasures were reignited with a good old sausage sandwich. I was bloody hungry though...Maybe I will, maybe I won't but I definitely remember feeling good about myself back then. It really wasn't as hard a transition moving away from eating meat as I originally thought. Luckily Christmas is never a problem as I despise Turkey so that's always something...

Hannah xox

Day 38.

The fresh air smelt amazing. The sun caressing her skin as she watched the world go by. Her thoughts taking her further than she had dared to dream. She was going to make it. She knew it.

*

This afternoon I received an interesting message. Well, interesting may be a little strong but entertaining to say the least. It came from a young man, who I do not know, trying to spark a conversation with a newly awoken me. Not off to a great start already. I am not really someone who enjoys random men adding me on Facebook if I have never met them, purely because it's down right weird. The fact he also confessed to being a 'stalker' didn't fill me with much enthusiasm. The conversation, of which I wasn't enjoying anyway, unfolded fairly quickly. He saw me in a nightclub, found me on their page, said he liked me and it is still going. 

Not only have I repeatedly told this person that I am not interested, not looking for anyone or anything and do not want to be romantically involved with anyone for a very long time, he is becoming increasingly annoying. I could end the conversation and I will be blocking him very soon but, for the purposes of this blog, it is necessary to get as much from it as possible. So, remembering my adamant refusal he wants me to give him a chance. Now, I'm all up for giving people chances. The chance to prove they have changed, the chance to improve, the chance to buy me shoes...(size 8). Yet, when I say I'm not interested, take the hint. My response was simply 'I don't want anyone though.' To which he promptly responded with 'you got nothing to lose'. Hmm, let me tell you what I have to lose shall I dear? 'I would lose my freedom and my single status of which I am not willing to give up.' That should have been a done deal...

Is there a reason certain people are so keen? Who ever said that, 'act like a stalker and bug the girl 'til she says yes' actually works? Does it work for you? I'd rather have a guy, who hasn't found me on a nightclub Facebook page, to make more of an effort as opposed to sending me a message and then slapping me round the face with the settling down routine. 

The other point here that has worried me is the unusual belief that being single is a bad thing? Like it's some negative stigma we all try and get away from so we feel more accepted in to society. Since becoming single I am enjoying it. Sure, after years of being alone I guess it'd be nice to have someone around but realistically I know, it isn't the end of the world and it needn't be either. The pros and cons of being single or in a relationship are pretty much level, for me at least. Now I am single I can concentrate on myself, focus all my attentions on my family, friends and anything else that is of real importance in my life. (Not that it should be changed when you become partnered up but we all know the trials of balancing everything equally.) I am now at a stage in my life where I am ready to develop myself in to a blossoming twenty something year old. I am ready to grab life and all it's opportunities. I am ready to become who I am meant to be. 

I don't, however, need some random man telling me that he is worth being with and I am missing a chance not being with him. Firstly, I don't like anyone telling me my own mind. I am free to think what I want and no one is going to squash my thoughts and tell me what should be in my head. Secondly, I don't like being told I am missing chances. I surely am the one who decides which chances I do and don't take and that is my problem, not theirs. Thirdly, I can't quite comprehend how you can claim to 'like', let alone love someone, when you have never met them or spoken to them. Yeah, initial attraction- fine but that is not the same and most certainly not a reason to add me and try and befriend me. Talk to me people...so much more respect for you if you can do that in person!

Hannah xox

Day 37.

Her eyes couldn't lie. The disappointment was far too apparent. Everything had changed right before her eyes and there was nothing that could be done about it. It had all taken a U-turn but she wasn't disheartened. If it was meant to be, it would be.

*

The beginning of my week has been somewhat awful. Monday came with the horrific flu like symptoms I hadn't expected to feel in August. Headache, backache, hot flushes, a chill, sore throat. It had all come about so quickly. It all disappeared quickly too. Today I feel fine, albeit quite tired. I felt as though my freak illness was a dream, it didn't even feel as though it had happened, but at the time it definitely made it's presence known. 

At 1 am today I rolled over in bed to find my phone charger cover had fallen off. As I rummaged to retrieve it from under my side I had the misfortune of moving my other hand over to the wall, thus electrocuting myself on the bare wiring inside. That certainly woke me up. The dead, heaviness of my right arm, coupled with shooting pins and needles most definitely didn't make me feel good at all. My heart fluttered and I began to panic that I would have a panic attack. As you are aware panicking about a panic attack is probably the most daft thing you can do, but I was lucky. I can only hope that the days get better from here on.

Any negativity seems to have disappeared. It has been quite refreshing. It's funny to see how 'friends' react to gossip though. You can definitely tell who are the ones who want information to feed back to their sources and there are others who say nothing about it but hope that you are okay. They are the friends I need around me. The ones who'll say 'hear you're having a bit of trouble. Hope you're okay. Fancy meeting up soon? not the ones who try the 'how are you? People are saying this and this and this. It looks bad on you, so what's going on?' Bore off. Stop trying to dig for information. I will not be giving it to you whatsoever. It's even better when these so called friends don't bother speaking to you in ages then suddenly pipe up. 

I am in serious need of zoning out certain groups of 'friends'. The friends I only encounter negative situations with, the gossips, the liars. They really need to go and I am on my way to removing them. It all begins with a Facebook clear out or at least a 'hide from timeline' rampage. It's bizarre how people can become so pissed off if you delete them on a social media site despite you never having anything to do with them. Oh no, that one less friend will make you look really unpopular. Quick you better go and play Candy Crush to redeem yourself...

Hannah xox

Day 34.

She was the only one who told the truth. The only that knew. The only one you could really rely on to actually listen. Properly. She was incredible. Truly.

*

After 4 hours sleep I have gotten up and decided to blog. I am still drunk. This could take some time and a lot of grammatical errors.

An amazing night of work called for an amazing time to work on drinking. I succeeded. Just in case you were concerned. I'm always good at drinking. Clearly my downfall. We danced, we laughed, we had a good night. Well, I certainly did anyway. The sudden urge to just sleep on the floor.

At times it was uncomfortable. Not only because the rumour mill was out last night. We did our best to spark new ones just to see the outcome! Hilarious. On your own tonight? The amount of bizarre men that creep out on a Friday is amazing. The mentally unstable ones that ask you to dance whilst they're with their carers, the incredibly aggressive ones who get an arse on just because you asked for a glass of water for some poor girl feeling ill, the 'are you okay baby' ones who really need to learn that a woman is no one's baby. I loved it. I love the way men seem to think that it's perfectly acceptable to approach a girl despite the fact that the signs are clear to leave her alone. Now I am single it's absolutely fine to pretend to be a lesbian with a female friend. It has been a while since I did that...

This happens every time I have a weekend off. The only chance I really get to sleep properly and I am wide awake. Every single time. I only decided to blog because there was no way I could cope with the heavy breathing anymore. I have no other room to escape to. Although a duvet in the bath seems fairly appealing right now.

I saw a friend of mine who, usually, is the life and soul. It wasn't the same last night. He was distant. Cold. Uninterested. Yet I hadn't actually done anything wrong. Story of my life I guess. Ronnie was such a good friend of mine it felt weird him being so close yet so far away. The only person who knew about any situation gave me everything I needed to hear as I stumbled down the stairs in my stupid shoes. She was good. She understood. I needed it. Yet would I still play the game? Follow the rules, become the master? It was time.

Every year I get exceptionally excited about Airbourne. There is something about a pilot flying a Typhoon that really gets my juices flowing. Apologies for the mental image there. Cor. I think I need to lie down in a very cold room and calm down. At college I knew a guy who was able to fly (he didn't have his own wings unfortunately) at the age of 17. We sat and watched him 'wave' at us one summer's day as he flew by. It was so amazing to watch. I was so proud of him and still am. I watched him go by and hoped that some day I would impress someone as much as he impressed me.

I will always regret, in a way, not going to university after college. I don't, at all, believe you have to or should but there is something about hearing all your school friends are doing well and they've just finished their degrees yet you are only to start yours in a couple of months. At least I can show these freshers a thing or two about the demon drink that once became my life. I am looking forward to the new experiences, the challenges, the lack of drama situations. It will be refreshing, I hope.

Today I hope for a nap on the beach, a cider and the opportunity to introduce my parents and sister and 'brother in law' to the only woman who knows 'me' so well. I am expecting sausage rolls and nothing less. 

Perhaps I should go back to sleep. Or, at least, try.

I am a shit person to have as a girlfriend.

Hannah xox

Day 33.1

He stared at her. Her gaze piercing; searching for a hint of a lie in his eyes but there was nothing. Nothing that she could see. Her heart fluttered and the butterflies danced in her stomach. Who had she become? Was she seeing in to the future?

*

With Eastbourne's finest on the prowl I decided it was about time people got to know me. Not who you see but the person deep inside who has her quirks, her niggles, her embarrassments. There are so many people who 'know' me, I find it unusual that they have so much to say about me yet actually know nothing.

To start, my name is Hannah. I do not like being called Han under any circumstances. Unfortunately I have had to grow to tolerate it because people never listen. I am currently 23 but my 24th is rapidly approaching and I am starting to fear being too old without achieving very much. I am a care assistant and it is truly the best job I have ever had. Try it, you'll be surprised.

I eat kiwis with the skin on and I have a passionate fear of bristles- the feel of them, the sound they make on concrete. Ew. Not only that but wet hair and brushing your eyebrows the wrong way will either make me throw up or shudder ridiculously. Don't do it. I am incredibly soppy, which you may have already gathered from previous blog posts. I can't watch Comic Relief or Children in Need because I pretty much cry through every video they show. I love animals and wish I could be a zoo keeper. Elephants are my favourite. Love, love, love. I come across as aggressive and bolshy because I have been hurt so much in the past. It is not who I am at all. It's my defense mechanism.

Depression has been something I have struggled with since I was about 10 but I was only diagnosed when I was 15. I am not ashamed of it nor will I ever be. There should be no stigma attached to mental illness whatsoever. I love to read but never do it. I never have any money despite working a lot. I am very dramatic. If I could perform on stage for a living, I would. That, or writing. Singing and writing are the only things that relieve stress for me. I believe in Angels and the supernatural. I won't argue about it either. It is my belief and I am not asking you to agree with me. 

My brother lives in Australia. I haven't seen him for so many years and I miss him so much. Seeing my nephew makes me really broody. I wish I was slimmer but am quite content with what I have been given all the same. I find it hard when people judge me. I say things as a joke and people can take them the wrong way. I am sarcastic. I am quirky. I intend on being bald by the time I am 50 because of all the hair dye I use. I can't cook and I don't want to learn. I like to meditate. 

Hiding my emotions can be a struggle sometimes. I wish people wouldn't talk behind my back. I let things affect me too much. I fall in love easily. I am fierce. I want a pug and a house in the countryside. I listen to Turkish music. I listen to Greek music. I listen to a random host of music genres. I miss going to gigs and licking people. I drink too much sometimes and I don't care. I'm a shameless flirt and it gets me in to trouble. I must stop that. All I want is to be loved. 

I am complex, in the same way you are. It would be nice to be appreciated more. It would be nice to hear from people who care rather than only when something bad happens or they want gossip. I have never been very popular and that's fine by me. I can't stand the word 'blouse'. I want to start belly dancing again. I am very shy. I am happy.

There is a lot to me that people don't realise or don't care to get to know...

Hannah xox

Day 33.

It made her feel weak. Her eyes were heavy from exhaustion. It's amazing to think of what reserves we have when we are feeling our lowest. It rumbled. It hurt. Nausea. 

*

After six hours sleep I was hoping the pain would have subsided but needless to say it hasn't and I can't imagine it letting up any time soon. The sickness is the worst part and it is all because I am poor. Not having any money is, not only stressful in itself, it also leads to other problems, such as not being able to eat. This is the struggle I am having now. I'm not sure how many hours I've gone but put it this way, my job requires a lot of mental and physical energy, and I have none. 

At 7am I was greeted by my naked client. His a true darling, despite showing a little too much skin first thing in the morning. He's strong northern accent coupled with his utter deafness is the struggle though. Trying to decipher what he is saying most of the time can be a challenge. Funny though. He always asks why I am single, saying a girl my age should be married and pregnant by now. I disagree. "What's wrong wi' your fella then 'annah? You need a man t'look after you." (Read in a Yorkshire-esque accent.) I always reply with the same thing but to no avail. 'I don't need a man.' This is no longer an acceptable answer so I have to joke it off.

Whenever I look at this man I feel sorry for him. Not in a patronising way because, after all, he's had a very varied life and a doting wife, yet he is all alone. His wife, one of my favourite clients, was rushed to hospital two weeks ago. He is now in his flat all alone. Well, apart from their mutual friend who pops in throughout the week. They have no children, no family, no other support network bar my care agency. It's heart breaking. He no longer has a shopping or cleaning call, as it is not part of his care package and it seems really unfair. He always says how lonely he gets and that no one ever wants to see him. I don't want to be like that.

I've always been afraid of growing old completely alone and it makes me wonder how people, who don't want children, will feel as time goes on. Will they regret it? After all, it may seem fine having your friends and family around now but what happens when they are no longer here? Or are too old to be an active part of our lives? Age is a cruel being. We hope we are with the same person as we grow old and our friends will stay with us throughout but unfortunately that isn't always the case. Just as you grow old, so do the people around you. Having children or extended family does make a huge difference to a person as they age. I have seen the differences in scenario in many different peoples homes. Having a support network around you is so important as you get older.

There has never been a time where I haven't believed I will have children some day. Not now but definitely later. I want a family. A loving family. Who I can turn to whenever I need them and will come to me in the same way. I've always wanted three kids. Two boys and a girl. Yet I would be happy with whatever I am blessed with, as long as they are healthy and happy. A nice, rounded, loving family. It will happen one day, of that I am sure. If you don't want a family, for whatever reason, then you are braver, in a sense, than I am. I dread the thought of growing old alone. You have your reasons for it I'm sure. Some people are just not family orientated in that way, they don't coo over babies and don't think a day out with the kids sounds fun. 

Love those you have around you now and be grateful for every day. There will come a time where you will need these people more than you'll ever know.

Hannah xox

Day 32.

Sleepy. She was feeling more tired than she had felt in a long time. Yet she was awake. Wide awake. Too awake to even know how to comprehend how she was feeling.

*

Today was good. Sort of. Work provided it's usual Thursday joy with the fun of a shopping trip for one of my clients. I am given an hour to do it. It takes nearly two. Now, she is a pleasant enough lady but good God she can talk and talk and talk and talk...I have tried everything to get her to shorten her half an hour pep talk before I am actually 'permitted' to leave in vain. Nothing works. Not only does this mean that I only have half an hour to do the shop, park and unpack, it also means I don't get paid for it. This displeases me. A lot. Even the office, when I asked, don't know what I can do. It is pitiful to say the least. Yet I survived today. No thanks to the Airbourne revellers stealing all the close parking spaces. Yeah, thanks for that, really appreciated. I reckon they need to provide designated carer spaces. Everywhere. Just a thought...

It's funny how breaking up with someone is hard enough let alone all the other crap that has to happen at the same time. Now, there's being strong and then there's drowning. I am in between. It'd be nice for one day, just one (I'm not greedy), that people left me alone. Well, the people who seem hell bent on stirring things up. That would be really good. Just one day without worrying, feeling uncomfortable or whatever. Hmm. If I could encourage you to do one thing it would be 'listen to your gut instinct' because you are usually right, every time. I certainly have been in the past. Pay attention to what you feel at that moment in time. Take in what people are telling you but at the end of it all, make your own mind up. Don't be ashamed of being you. Don't be ashamed of liking something when others don't. Don't let people rule your mind. Or your heart.

It's my last day tomorrow of my 'extra shift week' and I've actually really enjoyed it! I don't want to jinx anything now but it's been full of laughs, experiences and wonderful people. Long may it continue...apart from tomorrow evening...that should be interesting.

Hannah xox

Day 30.2.

Programmed machinery pt 2.

"Why wait until tomorrow to change, why not today? Shouldn't you live for the moment, live for the thrill?
If you get an idea act upon it rather than watch it waste away. Life is far too short to be wondering 'what if?' What if I'd said this? What if I'd done things differently? Regrets are natural, it's in our nature but can't you see its better to have lived and tried, than to not have bothered at all? 

Everyone goes through hard times, it's how we overcome and deal with them that makes us who we are. Don't forget your past but also don't live in it. You are the present and you will become the future.
Dare to be different. Dare to live. Dare to dream.
Work hard and do your best and if that isn't enough, then just remember, you gave it a go.
There is nothing to lose,only fear."

Another piece I put together at 19 years old where ideas and dreams were fresh in my mind.

Hannah xox

Day 30.1

Programmed machinery.

"We are born. Go to school. Take our exams. Go to college. Go to university. Get a job. Get married. Start a family. Grow old. Collect our pension. Die.

Where's the break away? Our lives are pretty much laid before us from the moment of conception. Our parents have ideas about what they want us to do or, would like us to do. with our lives before we've even uttered our first word. We have the ability to choose a preferred job etc but what happened to our freedom? We don't need all of these qualifications to have a good life. We need them to get a job but is that really true? Why doesn't experience and passion have anything to do with it? I want to show how everything is pretty much pre-determined and how we should all,even in the smallest way,break out and have our freedom. Our own choice to do what we really want as opposed to what we are meant to want.
 
Be free,express yourself and don't be afraid to live how you want.
 
Life should be an opportunity not a routine and I want to show that by finding something that captivates you,can lead you onto whatever you want.
 
I am proof of that.
 
Tradition is past. Become the present and future."

This was written when I was 19. A young girl of 19 with big passions and the desire to break from the stereotypical mold; of which, I have done. I have not followed the usual pattern of a typical or traditional way life is supposed to be. Have you?

Hannah xox

Day 30.

Mischievous. Naughty. Impish. She was looking for the smiles that were hidden beneath the frown. The freedom that was lost. The responsibility that was gained. The heart ache that was felt.

*

Today I have become a director...of sorts. I am now pretty much in full control of the long awaited pantomime which will happen in December and I can't wait. The lights. The music. The excitement. The applause. This is where I thrive. This is the place that made me feel complete. Writing and performing are the only things that stir my heart in this way. 

The only negative of this wondrous tale is that it may not actually come to fruition. Alas, the wonderful university opportunity has taken it's toll on my yearly pantomime performances in the sense that the very usual Thursday rehearsals will have to be changed. If they cannot be changed, I cannot be involved. The one year I pluck up enough courage to say 'I want to help direct' and lo and behold there's a chance I may not be able to! Typical!

I just had a sudden rush of butterflies in my stomach. That was odd. It was like a flutter of love mixed with panic. I don't know quite what happened.

Other than my pantomime excitement I decided to wind my mam up by putting her washing out to dry with at least ten pegs on each item of clothing. Needless to say the rain appeared and it took her quite some time to remove them all. I had obviously left by then. Ah, the joys of being a naughty daughter. I also hid and scared the living wotsit out of my sister too earlier. It has been a productive day overall.

I met a new lady in work today. She, I believe, is to become a regular of mine. She kept telling me her husband had come back from the dead and there was a man living in the loft. I am easily scared so this did me no favours at all, as you can imagine. I get to go back again tomorrow. This time I will use my distraction techniques. It would have been nice to be told what kind of person I would be dealing with.

It is only a brief post today as I have to go back to work. 

Wish me luck for later.

Hannah xox

Day 29.

I think it's safe to say that peace had been restored. Well, mostly. The time would come where it would all be resolved one way or another. She hoped it would be good news. She hoped it would all be okay again.

*

It's safe to say that tonight has been the best evening of work I have done in a very long time. Not only did I laugh pretty much the whole time, I was also more accepted as part of the team. It felt as though people now recognised me as a 'proper' carer within their homes. It does take time, I know. What with getting to know the client, their family, their routines, their preferences etc. Once you have been accepted in, life becomes a lot easier. I am being given more responsibility. I am being the first carer to enter new peoples homes and it's amazing. Sounds such a trivial thing but if you're being allowed to be the first carer in, representing the company, it means you're doing alright.

I've been feeling really positive all evening. It's nice doing these extra shifts, knowing I am becoming more and more experienced. After the last two or so years in the Care industry I finally feel truly competent. I am not nervous about going in to new places or meeting new people and it has really affected my personal life. There once was a time where I couldn't walk in to any venue without someone with me; yet now I waltz in (not literally) with the confidence and presence I should have felt comfortable having years ago. It's a refreshing change to say the least.

The last few days have been weird. They've been eye opening, yes, but most definitely weird. People I don't talk to start springing up with their opinions and views about me which, quite frankly, were a little entertaining. I have a real issue with people telling me how I feel and what I think. I clearly have my own mind. If I didn't I would just be your usual mindless sheep. Baa. I have another issue with lies and manipulation. These have all been dealt with and are now ignored. I am at peace with myself nowadays and the negativity some people have to bring along is no longer wanted.

All in all it has been a fantastic day. I got to watch my period dramas in between calls, I got given a chocolate bunny, I currently have wine and all my shifts were splendid. It's amazing how work can take your mind off real life.

I am one happy bunny...possibly because I consumed the chocolate variety earlier...but still.

Life is good. Live it how you want. If you love someone, tell them. If you don't like someone, get over it. 

Hannah xox

Day 28.1.

She is the one you always think of. The one who has captured your heart in a way that you never imagined. She is the one who believes in you. Who has fallen for you. She is the one you trust. She is your ally. Her name is only whispered on the wind but her love burns strongly in your heart.

*

I have found in my few years on this Earth that faith in humanity can be restored from a gentle word from a kind other. KJ was good to me. The words spoken were usually exactly what I needed to hear. "Where has the strong Hannah I once knew gone?" These are the words that have sparked my heart and mind back to where they needed to be.

It took me some time to realise that not everyone will like me and I would not like other people. Some times through no reason at all. It is just that we are not destined to be friends or, indeed, acquaintances. This is something I can live with happily. I am optimistic for my future again. There is nothing now that stands in the way of my happiness apart from myself and my own self doubt. This is not to be given in to.

Karma is my mistress now and I know she will rear her head when the time is right and punish those who have caused misfortune now. Whether that be to me, for all the wicked things I have supposedly done, or to those who are determined on causing pain and unkindness to others for no real reason. I will gladly take her punishment if I have done wrong yet I am the only one who really knows the truth and I will stick by my truth no matter what. It has all become petty. It is bullying in it's lowest form. It is childish and irrelevant and I must remember that. I must not waste another tear on anyone who tries to bring me down.

The kindness I have received from the only true people in my life is what should help me move forward. It will help me forward. The Hannah I once knew has faded in to more of a wall flower but no more. I am always saying I should find her again. Look her in the eye and admit who I really am. What I really am. I will find her courage, her strength, her determination and passion for all life has to offer and I will let her blossom once more. There is no use in life allowing the small things cloud your mind when your destiny is there for the taking.

University will be my saviour in some respects. I will meet new, like minded people and relish in the fact that I am slightly away from the town I once thought of as home. It will allow me to grow as an individual. It will allow me to become the woman I truly am, without hiding behind this mask. The mask that has become my safety net. The aggressive, unaffected b.shit I parade around is not me. It is not who I truly am. It is my cover. To protect me from anything that has decided to jeopardise my happiness. The mask is slipping and my softer, romantic, affected side is becoming prominent.

I am sorry to those I have hurt. I am not sorry to those who deserved it. Justice will be done and I will be there to either embrace it or watch, as it slowly destroys those who feel their power is any greater than mine. We are all equal. We are all united in the same, ever present fact. We are all human and we all make mistakes. My mistakes are my burden and no one else has the right to judge me on them. In the same way I have no right to judge anyone else.

Remember that she lurks around every corner, waiting to take her prey as she sees fit. She is a strong force, one of which that can't be avoided. Be good to others and she will be good to you. I wish you luck in your futures and I hope you find happiness. It is now time for me to find mine so please, leave me be. If you dislike me, remove me from your life. If you don't agree with my words, remove me from your life. If you don't like my choices, remove me from your life. I shouldn't have to be the only adult here.

Hannah xox

Day 28.

Heart breaking. Wishing and praying they'd just say those words you'd been longing to hear for so long. Rumour and gossip spreading like wild fire. Distancing yourself from something that won't give up. It was heart break. It really was.

*

On Friday night I wore stupid shoes. Again. Then, I fell over. Again. I don't feel it's appropriate to go out for an evening of drinking without falling down at least once. This seems to be my 'thing'. I had a good time. Dancing, drinking, walking my friend out because she was 'spinning' at 11pm. I need to train her to drink more. Lightweight.

Losing a friend or someone you're really close to is the worst thing ever. It is like breaking up with a long term partner. You know it's for the best but you don't want it to happen. What do you do if you don't think it's for the best but are doing it just to save the aggro? What if it's the last thing you want to do but are scared if you don't, things will get harder?

This town is incredibly small. Everyone knows everyone and everyone thinks they know everyone's business. Although, they probably do know everyone's business seeing as no one can be trusted. This is what makes friendships fail. The doubts, the rumours, the blatant lies. All because there are some who cannot find anything better to do than spread meaningless b.shit around, in the desperate hope that it will keep them entertained for a lot longer as they have sweet f.a to focus on in their own lives. I got the best text yesterday which sums up my point entirely...

"Hello. Just a quick one to say; really don't worry about what that particular group of people say. They are all the dregs of Eastbourne society. None of them have any aspiration to do or be anything and they all lead completely uneventful lives, so obviously the only thing that keeps them remotely entertained is gossip. They'd dry out and die without it. x"

KJ was good with his words of wisdom.

We begin to wonder if these lies are true. We begin to believe those who say it. We begin to doubt our friends and go against our better judgement. We should listen to our inner guide. We don't have this gut instinct for nothing. We should trust it, listen to it, realise that it might know us better than some gossip driven moron desperate for attention. Hmm...

Either way I am scared of losing the people I love because of malicious lies and rumour. I find it funny that certain people have said to me 'I know what went on' when in actual fact they have no clue because they were never there. Does make me giggle. 

Happier posts will come later. Promise. 

Hannah xox

Day 25.

She tossed and turned. Her dreams confused, manic. The cold sweat on her back making her shiver as she removed her top. No real sleep tonight. Only sadness filled her mind. She was lost in a blur of  emotions.

*

After waking from my dream of zombies I felt romantic. Yet again, the hopeless romantic in my head awoke, despite all my efforts to suppress her. I don't know whether it was the thought of the undead biting in to my neck or the running away from them that really sparked it but I awoke with one thought.

Don't we all want to be loved and swept off our feet? Can't we all dream that there is someone out there who can do all the things we have always wanted? Or is it too much to ask?

A brief moment. Just one thought. Putting a fire in my heart. One I couldn't get rid of. One I couldn't hold back. Is it too much to ask for one man...or woman, I don't discriminate...to love me?

“A girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then. It is something to think of” 

I had always dreamed of being with someone who would come all the way to my house just to kiss me and say he loved me. Someone who would leave a flower on my doorstep just so I know he had been there and thought of me. Someone who would leave me little notes around the house...(purely affectionate ones, of course, not a reminder to empty the dishwasher)...Someone who went out of their way to prove that they really are different from all the rest.

It's a pet hate of mine. If someone ever utters the words to me 'I'm different from all the other guys' I shudder and tell them to stop. It's the biggest lie ever told. Don't ever say it. To me, anyway. Something like that can only be shown through actions, the words mean nothing. Anyone can say them yet not many can prove it.

Right now is not a good time for me. I am not looking for Mr/Mrs Right. The only person I am searching for is me and, although my body may be present, my mind has disappeared in to romance novels and loving thoughts. I will be single for some time and it's really okay by me.

Hannah xox

Day 24.

It's times like these she wished she had better luck. It's days like that when she realises who she could have been. It's people like them who make her proud to be nothing like that. She was hoping for something more but it all felt so out of reach.

*

The idea that people can actually change seems really alien to some. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to see people's attempts, even though they may only be small. I can't understand why you wouldn't give someone the opportunity to better themselves. I can't understand why you would consistently push them down again rather than help lift them up.

Reputation can be a deal breaker. Reputations are horrible, usually. I have the reputation of being an awful drunk. Funnily enough though I am only like that with certain people in certain situations. If you genuinely make me happy I don't tend to have too much of a problem. This reputation of mine is not one I am fussed about. I know I am a good person and I know that I will not let people treat me like utter crap. Yet I am the bad person...go figure.

A reputation can stay with you forever if you don't do anything to correct it. If you constantly prove people right you can't expect them to support you forever, can you? We all make foolish life choices and we all pay the price at some point or another. Those who bring up our pasts to ruin our future are not worth knowing. I know that most definitely. They're the people with nothing better to do and who, in most cases, tend to be the ones with very little going on in their own lives. They're the ones who create dramas that don't need to be there, they're the ones who spread rumours and lies for attention, they're the ones who can't cope with their own issues so involve themselves in other peoples. It's boring and over done. 

I'd like to think I can be a good friend to people who deserve it. I will support, encourage and love whoever you are if you show me the same back. If you haven't done anything to me, I have no reason to dislike you. We all know someone who's reputation precedes them but does that mean you give up on them or stick by them?

Either way I know that I will be there for those who need it and I will give them the opportunity to prove people wrong. That's the thing though, surely if we are being judged on our previous behaviour, we should feel motivated to stick two fingers in the air, change how we are and go 'fuck you world.' I would want to prove a point that all those people were wrong about me. I will prove it and when I do I will make sure that none of those drama seeking people are in my life to enjoy my success.

Hannah xox

Day 23.

It felt natural as though it was always meant to be this way. The chance to start over. Adjust all the flaws that bring you down. Become the person you have wanted to be for so long. No tears left. Just acceptance.

*

As you may or may not know, I have recently become a singleton. After nearly three years we decided we are better off without each other and in some ways I feel relief. We were pretty much living like brother and sister. I felt like I was a lodger. Now we are okay. It feels weird but the excitement that I can have my zebra print duvet is phenomenal. I don't want to discuss it all too much. It's still raw. Still uncomfortable to think of times where he would usually be there but now won't be. Thinking of all the plans we once made that won't happen. The excitement of living in this gorgeous bungalow together is now just a shadow of what it used to be. It's all just weird.

However...

On looking at my single status I am now feeling motivated, happy, free, excited. I am looking forward to my future which I can now plan for so it is exactly how I want it. I start uni in October and I couldn't be more excited. Throwing oil over people and squeezing their feet seems too much fun to be missed! Sounds kind of kinky...I digress...

Perhaps now I am out of the relationship bubble I am seeing the world in a completely different way. I am seeing certain people for how they really are, I am seeing the nature of this town through open eyes rather than shielding myself from the b.shit. This transformation in my life will include a cull. A cull of all the soul destroying, lying, manipulative people who occasionally dart in and out of my life in the hope of destroying it with their tales. (If you think you are one of them then it's clear you have a guilty conscience...) I have no time for them anymore. I have no time for the negativity. 

I am concentrating on spending my time with people I love and strengthening the friendships I already have and value most. Maybe not everyone will agree with my choices but I certainly know that I have people in my life who want to be there, who are strong, determined, supportive, loving. That's all I need right now. I need the positive energy to be the most prominent force each day.

Ronnie would always be important to me. Death wishes don't last long.