Day 229.

It was funny to see how certain people can't handle the fact I've changed and won't give me the opportunity to show that. It's funny how certain people aren't responsive when I say I am no longer that girl. It's funny to see how the people who refuse to see my new found spirit are the ones who took it away from me in the first place.

*

It's been just over a week since I moved back to Eastbourne and despite my initial dread of being back here, I'm finding it really great. After being away for a little while it's good to be back. I can definitely see how I am different in comparison to when I left. Seriously. I am in the best personal situation I think I could be right now. Of course, there are still a few obstacles I need to over come but ultimately I am at this point where everything is settling perfectly.

It's been half term for me this week...thank the Lord. Problem with half term is they give you a week or so off and you get settled in to the routine of lounging around 'doing work' that you really don't want to go back. I know I shouldn't really complain, I only do two days a week, but even so. I've managed to teach myself the drums, up to a point and have rediscovered two friends. I really haven't done a lot. 

I'll be honest with you. The money situation is beginning to worry me now. I had a job interview on Monday and it went really well. I haven't heard anything yet but they did say it would be a couple of days until I do. I really hope I get it. I am so desperate to be working. It's all fun having days at my own leisure but realistically I need to be doing something with my days not sitting about literally doing nothing. The excitement of laying in bed all day has really taken it's toll now. I am/have become a blob. I am not enjoying being a blob.

I started watching Girls this week. I don't know how I've gone so long without it in my life. I am utterly in love with Lena Dunham. Too much. If you haven't seen it, I recommend you do. Seriously. What I did notice, after the first episode, is how, it seems, that is me. Let's look at the similarities here. Her name is Hannah, my name is Hannah. She is 24, I am 24. She writes, I write. She flits between jobs, I do that so much I actually can't remember everywhere I've worked. She waffles at times, I do that far too much. She is slightly overweight with the joys of tiny boobs, need I say more. I first watched thinking 'this is super spooky'. That is me. I have fallen in love and have managed to get through to season 3 where I now await the latest episodes. 

Hannah xox

Day 223.

I hate it when the ties on my hoodie come out of one side.

*

What do you guys think of this? Agree? I think I do. As much as I believe in having our privacy in a relationship, the minute you starting hiding things, deleting things then you know something's not right.

In my time I've received the occasional penis photo from fellas trying to get me interested. Of course, this hasn't been the first thing they've sent me but what an odd thing to do. I don't really get it myself. Don't get me wrong, at the right time seeing something like that isn't the worst thing in the world but only really in person. A photo of someone's genitals just doesn't really get me in the mood and screaming from the rooftops. Just saying. 

I mean, it's wonderful you're so proud of your assets that you want to show them off to the world yet perhaps it isn't the world that you want to see them? Even in a relationship I can't imagine sending my partner pictures of me. Not that graphic anyway. I don't recall any relationship I've ever been in having any element of that. A naughty text is all good but as long as it's with the person you're with. 

The last one I received, from what I recall, was from someone in a last ditch attempt to get me to go round and see them. For a start, I am no booty call. Secondly, that isn't really what entices me to see people. It really, really isn't. When I first saw it, I was quite shocked. That was definitely not what I expected to see. Especially not when I was on a night out with a friend. The question is though...did I eventually show the friend? (It's a secret!) That's the thing though. How do you know, when you send photos like that, that they are definitely going to that person and that person only? The fear of my body parts being exposed (as it were) to other people rather than one it was intended for, scares me.

So, if you were in a relationship with someone and found out they had sent 'naughty' photos to someone else and had then received some back, how would you feel? I doubt you'd like it very much at all, that's for sure. Yet, as the single person do you feel bad for doing it? Now, I don't really know the answer to this at all as I have never been in that situation. Namely because I'm not a bad person. I genuinely pity anyone who is hitting on someone else when they're already dating, engaged or married. Shame on you. If you aren't happy with your partner why don't you leave them rather than starting up something new with someone else? The other difficult thing to swallow with this is when the other person is fully aware that their 'love' interest is in a relationship. Especially if they preach to have such high morals. I find that very bizarre.

With the rise of social networking sites, images are becoming even easier to send and hide (think Snapchat-once you've seen it, that's it!) and that makes me wonder. Does this make our lives easier if we do want to cheat?

I guess, being single, helps me to look at being in a relationship more carefully. I worry more so about being involved with someone after some of the things I have witnessed since being alone. I've seen people in relationships cheat and I've seen single people involve themselves in people with relationships. I don't think I want to be part of that world really. Maybe being the way I am now (no man Han) is the best way to be for a very long time or, at least, until someone is able to change my mind.

If you're cheating then stop. Break up with your partner and move on. I bet it's not so fun once the element of danger is taken away.

I'm still holding out for a good guy with a good heart. None of this other rubbish that seems to be floating around right now.

Hannah xox

Day 222.

There are lessons to be learned everyday. Don't send 'naughty' photos of yourself to people. (This is not something I have done by the way).

*

You know when you find something out that you shouldn't have done and your heart literally pounds as though it's about to burst through your chest, you can't breathe and you start to feel sick. Yeah that. Usually, that kind of 'excitement' gives me an episode which, no doubt, is soon to happen. My head is really hot and I can feel my pulse raging through me. It's horrible. I feel disgusted.

I have found out something. Something I am not going to tell anyone. Not one person will ever know this so for the sake of having an argument...don't ask me. However, I found something out. Something I never thought would occur from this person. The person I never thought could do something like this. I've found out that this person is the biggest hypocrite known to man and shall no longer be trusted or believed. That is so sad. Someone I thought I knew has surpassed all my lowest expectations and has revealed their true colours entirely.

It's upsetting me so much more because of the implications of it all. I remember when I became single people were quick to jump to conclusions about me and certain people I was apparently 'seeing'. All of it was nonsense and they had nothing to back it up with. It also materialised whilst I was still with my ex that people were making up lies about me sleeping with someone else. Something that repulsed me. How could people even begin to make that kind of stuff up, I'll never know. I found something out that put all of this stuff in to absolutely minute importance. I look back at the things I've done/apparently done, since I was single and see this and feel sick. 

Now, it's not really my place to say anything. Hence why I won't but I never thought this was even possible. If this was to ever materialise in to anything further (although it's pretty serious now) I don't think I could continue seeing them. It wouldn't upset me losing this person from my life. No big loss at all really, thinking about it but it would be a shame. It would be a shame after everything this person has said to me. All the bull they've come out with over and over again. I would be devastated if this didn't end. If this was to air and everyone was aware, a certain smelly substance would definitely hit the fan and more than one life would be ruined. Heartbreak wouldn't even cover it.

I needed to write this down to get it out of my system before I'm exposed to human beings again (I've been home alone today). I needed to vent a little of it, without being direct and obvious. I just needed to get it out now. I'm upset, I really am. I'm disappointed, I'm hurt, I'm embarrassed. This time calls for Hannah to put on a brave face and hope that it's all in the past. That this ridiculous and excruciatingly nasty situation stops. 

Sorry it's been an odd one.

Hannah xox

Day 221.

"Stop humping."

*

In the magical, mystical world of Hannah today:

• I haven't been sick for 24 hours,
• I did the washing up,
• I obsessed over my YouTube favourite,
• I made up my bedroom. 

Luckily, I stopped feeling ill. I haven't been sick for 24 hours which is very promising and my body isn't aching so much. Well, apart from my ribs. I feel like someone is pressing against me every time I breathe but I'm assuming that's just from the over doing it on the heaving front. Not nice. My entire family have now got it along with my uncle having to have the ambulance out to check he isn't dying. Scary times, my friends.

As I was feeling better I decided to resume my job hunting search and got somewhere! Well, sort of. A care home near town. Hoping they want some night staff as I'm really not too keen to be doing days. Ever since I got this night shift idea in my head it has completely put me off day shifts full stop! I did get a call from the care home I did a trial run with but I don't intend on speaking to them. Not yet anyway. Not unless I've spoken to CQC first. Crikey! The care home in town replied to me within the hour of me sending my application form so at least they seem efficient.

Not only have I been very well behaved and looked for a job I also decided to actually make my new room, my room. For all of you who aren't aware, I have moved back in (briefly) with the friend (formerly referred to as my ex) whilst I hunt down a job and save some money. Some of you may find it odd that I am living with my ex, however, allow me to assure you that I don't refer to him as my ex, he is my friend, hence it is not so odd anymore. There is nothing going on with us at all. If anything, he is my adopted brother.  Let's leave it at that. So, anyway, I moved in with my friend the day I got sick. Not the best way to start my time in a new home, however, after feeling better today it did allow for me to get my room set up and looking perty. Well, better than before at least. I don't have any storage and all I do have is a mirror and desk (which I am loving right now-so much better than having the laptop in bed with me!) So it's feeling a little more homely. I just hope the job comes along to go with it then I can save for my own place which is, ideally, all I want more than anything right now!

If you like your beauty/fashion blogs and like cute things then I would definitely recommend you check out Zoella. She is the cutest ever and today I have spent a large portion of my time going through her YouTube channel being very upset that I didn't get to go to Dubai in December amongst many other things. She definitely does inspire me to get my vlog going so watch this space whilst I try and figure that out this year!

Anyway guys, just a little update to let you know what's going on in the world of Hannah. I must do some Uni work this week. If anyone fancies a reflexology treatment please let me know! I need to do 3 over this half term and I am desperate to get the practise in. (Find me on Facebook- http://www.facebook.com/MissCase)

Hannah xox

Day 220.

Oh, I am so ill! My sister is cruel for leaving us with this sickness bug. The favour will be returned, don't you worry.

*

Over the weekend I was lucky enough to see my older sister and my nephew. As it was my younger sisters birthday we all spent time as a family and it was really nice. Recently, I've noticed how much better me and my younger sister get along. Before I always thought she hated me but nowadays she's happy to have a chat and spend time with me and I'm really enjoying it. I'm not entirely sure why. I think it all changed when I got my diagnosis. I think she has seen that I am a lot more vulnerable than first thought.

I do get fed up with this epilepsy at times. It's irritating being on edge that I'm going to have an episode all the time. Generally, I put it to the back of my mind and get on with things but there are certain situations where I know I will have one no matter how little I worry. It tends to be in supermarkets. Not sure why. Could be because how busy it is or the funny lighting but every time I know I will have one. We went at the weekend to pick some food up for the little birthday party we had planned. It came, as it does, like a wave of panic. Everything blurred and I felt myself rocking. I grabbed my sisters arm and told her I didn't feel well. She looked worried but made a joke. She's good like that. It felt like my feet wouldn't move. I felt like I was floating along by my family. I could hear what they were saying but I didn't feel like I was actually there. It is one of the hardest things to describe but those who suffer will know what I mean. I ended up holding on to my dad. A little stronger than my sister! He knew instantly that something wasn't right and kept me moving.

They're such peculiar sensations to have. Myself and my mum worked out that there was a possibility that I had a full seizure, months ago, without even realising. I was seeing some friends and ended up having 2 drinks (vodka and coke). Now, that wouldn't make me drunk and that wouldn't have a huge effect on me. This time, it did. I remember waking up, completely out of it. I wasn't where I thought I was and I had pain on my rib cage and hip. I had blacked out the majority of the evening. I was worried something more sinister had happened at the time but looking back I think it was more likely to be a seizure. I have never felt so ill in all my life. I had never felt so out of it before. It was terrifying.

I'm staying positive though. Life is too short for me to worry about this so much. I just have to be careful.

Keep smiling.

Hannah xox

Day 214.

It was all a collection of random moments thrown together to make up this memory. It was a blur of colour. A mix of sights. A whirr of noise. A life we had never planned.

*

I will sadly start this with some bad news. Ultimately, for those involved but it may ring true in your life all the same. 

I have male friends. I have female friends. I have certain people who are not my friends who seem to believe they have a right to comment on my life. It's funny really. It's hilarious actually. These poor, bored individuals with nothing more to do than speculate on what I'm doing and who I'm seeing. Making things up and creating rumours to entertain themselves whilst they watch me actually live. It's sweet and I should be flattered. In fact, I am flattered. Thank you all for trying to remain in my life despite me not wanting to be anywhere near you. It's honestly a lovely gesture that you take your time to speak to others about me. For the record...I will happily spend my time with my male and female friends. I will chat with, laugh with, cuddle and care for each and every one of these people. That, however, does not mean I am 'seeing' any one of them. It is because they are my friends. If you struggle to understand that a woman can be friends with a man then you, dear, are a prat.

On a lighter note I am currently watching The Lion King. A film I haven't seen since I was a young girl. I am in the mood for Disney now. I want to watch Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast and Sleeping Beauty.

Last night I was given the amazing news that one of my best friends of 6 years wants me to be her Maid of Honour. As you can imagine my excitement is pretty hard to contain right now. I feel all grown up. I get to go wedding dress shopping, organise the hen, organise the wedding, boss the bridesmaids about. I think this is going to suit me down to a tee. I'm a happy bunny.

It's my last week of university starting tomorrow so I am looking forward to my reflexology massage on Thursday evening. 3 hours of practise with no clients coming in. These are my favourite weeks of uni. As much as I've started to enjoy it all more lately, it's nice not having clients and being banished to the other room where I sit on my own because I can't be exposed to some of the oils. It's a lonely existence! Yet one I relish in some respects. The days are long for me and my exhaustion is normally at it's peak by then so sitting in a darkened room, relaxation music on, performing very repetitive movements isn't the most inspiring to stay awake. I have caught myself actually shutting my eyes at times. Not good when you're having to massage someone. Oooops.

Guys and girls. Please assure me you're happy or doing things that make you happy. If I can change my mindset, so can you. Please don't let people get you down or make you feel crap for the way you're living your life. Please don't let the rubbish people say about you affect you. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. Ever. Well unless you've been framed for a crime you didn't commit. 

Hannah xox

Day 213.

There are no words to describe how disappointed I am in you sometimes. I really thought you were someone to look up to and be inspired by. You, however, are not this person. Don't get me wrong I knew this a long time ago but now and again I have these realisations that you aren't all you make out to be. It's the drugs that get to me really. As a non-user I don't get it. I have never, other than smoked some weed, taken any form of drug for recreational purposes, and never will as far as I'm concerned. You're surrounded by idiots who do lines of coke because they can't enjoy themselves or relax without it. You think MDMA with your friends is something you can do now and again. Between you all...you're muppets. I left that group of people for more than one reason and I left you for more than one reason. Either way, I'm sad that this is who you are. After all the times you got upset, said you wanted to do well and be a better person. It just goes to show how far away from that you really are.

I'm sorry I'm not the 'cool' girl who was happy to watch you take that shit. I never will be. I'm happy with a countryside walk, drinks with the girls. I don't need drugs to make me fit in. I don't need to pretend to be this life and soul kind of person. I know the real you. I've seen the real you. Watch all these 'good friends' around you who are only there for the short ride. I'd like to see them put up with the shit that I have.

Day 210.

After some difficult times of late, it's time to jump back on that road of life and give it a damn good pounding.

*

Whilst browsing through a selection of shows I could watch online, considering I don't ever really watch TV I was pleased to see I had a section dedicated to shows recommended for me. Well, I thought to myself, how kind of someone to match up what I usually watch to other things that may interest me. These shows namely being 8 out of 10 cats and My big fat Gypsy wedding. I was looking forward to a promising selection of aptly relevant programmes to tickle my pickle, in some way. It was a promising start. A comedy show, another of my trashy, 'look at the pretty colour' shows and then I saw it. It was charming, yet a little presuming. Funny, yet painfully depressing. The final show I had been recommended was 'Hairy women'. Of course, you can sense my absolute joy of seeing this. 

It lead me to watch it, through avid fascination solely because I am a woman and I have hair. I felt this qualified me entirely to watch this. I got half way through before my grunting and moaning started. I can't help it. When something makes me that passionate I just have to let it out. (Dear Reader, please note my passionate moans were simply annoyance as opposed to anything your dirty minds may have dreamt up!) I listened to woman upon woman say how having hair on their body was disgusting and shouldn't be acceptable. Strange that, as women, we are expected to remove our hair yet it's okay for men to just groom theirs. Style their hair in to bizarre patterns on their face. Odd. Very odd. Sadly, as a woman who does, indeed, shave I felt saddened that as I grew up this was portrayed as the norm. The first time you shave your legs, underarms or even lady garden, it's always a real event. A sign of maturity. Not only due to the fact that you have hair growing but also because you have reached the age where you are seen more so as a sexual being. A sexual being who must be hairless. Heaven forbid stubble is existent! 

Sadly for any man in my life they have to learn that my life does not revolve around hair removal. I have days where I think, 'I really can't be arsed to perform gymnast-esque moves in the shower in order to remove my leg hair...or elsewhere.' It's a battle between having 'the ideal, hair free body' and becoming Yeti. At present, I think I am a gentle in between. Due to being forced to having freezing cold showers for the last couple of days, my interest in shaving in Arctic conditions has depleted somewhat. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of ever being soft and smooth. A condition I have limits my opportunities to be that 100% hair free Goddess you see on the front of your magazines. If I ever wanted to achieve that, I would be using hair removal techniques throughout the day and to be honest, who can really be bothered to devote that much time to it?

Yet, despite us being mostly, expected to be hair free, we are also encouraged to keep our hair free tactics quiet. It's a secret that we may have to use creams on our top lips, that we may have to pluck hairs from secret places or we have to go for a regular bikini wax just in case our pubic hair explodes from our underwear and someone may see it. Remember...it's a secret. We want hair free bodies yet we want it to be a secret everyone knows about. I'm lost completely.

Either way, hairy or not, I don't think it matters overly. We have hair on our bodies for a reason. Are there cave paintings of women sat around the fire scraping hair off their legs with blunt stones? Err no. If you want to get rid of it, that's fine. I am one of those people, yet I don't like it to over take the more important things in life. If I have a little stubble on my legs, I won't cry about it or have a panic shave in order to remove it. I don't feel any less feminine having hair. I don't feel any more liberated having hair. I feel like me because ultimately my body is mine and I like it however it is.

Hannah xox