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After a disastrous evening of work last night I decided the only remedy for it was a hot bath and some Wuthering Heights. I should have really had Kate Bush blaring out in the background too but I didn't want to traumatise myself too much before bed, if I could help it. My night, from that point, turned out to be truly amazing.
I began trawling the internet again for more interviews with Caitlin Moran. Earlier this year I began idolising this phenomenal power house of a woman. My love for her grew even more when I was aware of her use of the C word on a regular basis and her passion for gin. Not only does she encompass pretty much everything I have always aspired to be; successful, funny, witty, passionate, bolshy, she also is an incredible writer. For that, I will adore her forever.
An hour or so went by of me listening to Caitlin discussing all manner of different topics from pubic hair, what word to refer to your vagina as and abortion, I began thinking about things I was facing now. Don't ask how I have linked this to my next ramblings but there must be a reason in my head why. It's just a case of never knowing what.
I began wondering about the horrible term 'rebound' and why we seem to think it is a justifiable word to use. I dislike it. For many reasons. Rebound implies that, whatever I am feeling is invalid and is because I am not 'over' someone and it also suggests that, in a sense, I am merely using another person to cope with the trauma of my break up. Wrong. Who is to say that you have to have a rebound? How long is the period you have to be single until people will accept that any new interest is not actually a rebound but could be something more? Put it this way. A couple are together for some time, he/she cheats and falls in love with the other person. The couple breaks up and the cheating party remain together. Does the other woman/man now count as a rebound, or is he/she an escape for that person? Are they a rebound because they are the next in line of current partners? No. That's my point.
I messaged a good friend of mine earlier about it. I felt silly asking. It felt as though I had to ask permission to wonder whether I was allowed to date again only a month or so after leaving my partner. It was as though I was seeking society's approval to go out and have a good time with other like minded people. Does the length of time you were with a person relate to how long you have to have free from another relationship or a date? Is there an amount of time in which we must mourn the relationship we have lost even if that relationship died ages before the actual and, official, break up? I hope you all realise that it isn't an official break up until it's no longer on Facebook. This is the problem. You could be in a lacklustre relationship for years, putting off breaking up with the other person because you are scared what will happen afterwards or you have put up with so much you just think this is the norm. Does that mean that, if you've only broken up with a person recently that you are not entitled to do what the hell your heart and head are telling you? Being given appropriate time scales for doing different things is surely a waste of life.
As much as I've been adamant that I am sworn off men for the forseeable future, it doesn't mean I won't accept the possibility of it happening. I am content being single. I can now live my life how I want it entirely, without any fear of saying the wrong thing, not supporting them enough or complimenting the size of their dick. I don't have to stress about anything. I only hope that in time I find someone who allows me to live in the way I want without trying to control me or change me. Yet, if they do it should only be for the better.
In some respect I am quite nervous about being with someone else. Not because I don't feel I deserve to be happy but because it is all so different. I've gotten in such a routine with past relationships that they have all, bar one, been fairly similar in how they've gone. I am scared of meeting someone out of my 'comfort zone' and being too afraid to go for it when in actual fact they could be the best person for me. I don't fear being single, I fear losing me again.
So bollocks to any idea of rebound and it's effects. If it makes you happy and the other person then bloody well go and do it. Live your life the way you want to and take risks. We have such a short time here that I just can't justify missing out on anything just because it isn't 'appropriate' to do so.
Hannah xox
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