*
I haven't even taken my uniform off. I walked in to my room and turned the laptop on. I have to write this. I need to write it now.
I got out of the car.
I'm feeling vulnerable today. Feeling a little deflated. Little Miss PMA is still around but for now, at least, she's feeling a little weak. I hate the feeling of being left out or judged. I really, really cannot stand it. It makes me feel small and even more shy than I normally am. I don't like feeling excluded one bit. I kind of felt that last night. Meeting new people is not my forte that's for sure, I know that straight away. That tight knotting I get in my stomach, the nerves pulsating through my every essence, my pounding heart doing somersaults in my chest. Quite frankly, it's bloody horrible. I don't like feeling as though I am being assessed before I've even opened my mouth. I take a deep breath and say hi. That's the first step. Then I fidget awkwardly with whatever I am wearing and pick at my nails. Gross but necessary for me to even be confident enough to stand there without the urge to run away. I felt a little scrutinized. Nothing was really said, I just notice the way people look at me. That's all. No doubt it's all in my head and I won't let this effect anything in the future but it did make me start to wonder...
My first failing so far has not been telling the truth. I'm not talking major lies, just little white ones. The ones we say when we don't want to hurt someone's feelings or make them worry. I told one this morning. I said I was okay when in actual fact I was a little 'off'. I knew why but I didn't want to say it. It didn't help that I was at work but it's not something I feel the need to start the day off with. I don't want the day to be preset as 'Hannah isn't having a good day' because that isn't true. I don't like the thought of my day being predetermined with the feelings I woke up with. Maybe you wake up in an undesirable mood but there are hours left to correct that. My day has improved. Work was lovely with some truly gorgeous personalities. I am tired. I know that for sure. All this additional driving is doing my head in. Not to mention the effect it is having on my money. Or lack of it, should I say. Same shit, different day in the world of Hannah's Money. Things will get better though.
Yesterday was fantastic. I had the chance to meet up with an old friend of mine from school who I haven't seen for years. It was strange because even though so much time has passed we slipped back in to our regular ways within seconds. We were saying the same things at the same time, didn't stop talking and just had a good laugh. He reminded me that mentioning sex in a blog is the best way to get people reading it or, at least, him. Being in Hastings again with him flooded me with nostalgia and I remembered why I love that town so much. Everyone seems to have only negative things to say about it but, for me, I will always love it. Eastbourne's okay but Hastings is amazing. Hastings has more soul. More life. More characters. After my short meeting with him I had some time to organise the room that was to be mine for a little while. Clothes put away (just) and everything where I wanted it. It all ended with drinks, good friends and a pub quiz. Perfection. I laughed so much yesterday my face hurt. They're the times that are important to me. They're the days etched in to my somewhat appalling memory. They're the times I will miss when everything changes again.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow and, of course, this evening. Assuming all goes to plan which, with me, is never the case. It'll be nice to spend more amazing times with even more wonderful people. I'm still happy, just feeling far too aware.
Hannah xox
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