Day 83.

Bob, you know I find it hard sometimes to say things. You know I shake, I worry, I panic. I feel safe, calm, happy with you. This is the only way I can really be honest. By writing it down. Yet, this time, I'm finding it really difficult.

*

Friday threw me a curve ball. Something I was certainly not expecting. It kind of rocked me. No. That's a lie. It really rocked me. It really messed me up for that morning. I didn't feel right at all. The attitude I had been living by suddenly slipped a little. I searched for the positive, I reminded myself of all the amazing things I had and what I had to look forward to. I was okay. Shell shocked. But okay. I remedied this by going out with one of my best friends, drinking, dancing and just laughing the whole time. Yet, it still played on my mind.

I began to wonder, at what stage should we admit defeat when it comes to relationships? When we start to doubt, should we just follow our feelings and give up, or should we try and work through it? Of course, each situation is difficult. It's different. It depends on what you are both like as people. It depends how far in to the relationship it is. It depends on how you feel.

Feelings. What a load of confusing buggers they are. They creep up, slap you round the face and then dance around you, laughing, as they see how far they can push you towards falling. Then it changes. It starts to feel weird. It all seems to have lost it's shine. The sparkle that was once there has faded. It's all quiet. It's not how it was. And it's the worst feeling ever. It's not something I would ever want. I would never wish it on anyone. It's worse than heartbreak because your heart hasn't fully been able to form. You haven't even got to the love stage. So it's only a part break. It's worse because you can see the potential, you know how amazing everything could be, should be. Yet I guess, if everything is meant to go this way then maybe I should just go with it. Or do I fight? 

This is a really tough one for me. This is something I have been battling with. I am really struggling to write this. I don't even know how to put it in to words. These feelings we develop. We get burdened with are things we can not ever stop. We can't stop what we feel. We can't stop what feels natural to us. Everything was perfect. It was how I had always wanted it. It was amazing. Then it has changed. I can't even process in my head how I am feeling. Sounds so stupid, I know. I sound so pathetic, needy, whatever. I thought this was the one. The one thing that would make me. The one thing that would complete everything I have. It felt like it was beginning to be.

I am looking for the fairytale. I don't want to be a princess but I do want to have that kind of feeling where I feel connected, I feel comfortable, I feel wanted. That's all we are searching for. Ultimately, that's all we want. We just want that connection. That allow those feelings to link all together and make this bond that holds us. I vowed to follow my heart. I vowed to ignore my head for a while. I vowed it was time for me to make myself feel amazing and I do. Yet, there's kind of one thing missing at the moment. Well, not missing because it's still there but it's just not the same. I want it back to how it was and I know there is a really high chance it won't be the same. However, I am being brave, I am writing a confusing blog that only a handful of people will actually understand in the hope that, although I will make myself look like a dick, I will maybe make you see. I don't want to be just friends.

Sorry. 

Hannah xox