Day 134.1.

When I was a little girl all I wanted to do was write. It was all I thought about and it was all I did. I would sit in my room writing, for hours on end. Music playing in the background, listening to the charts and then taping them. Old school. I'd write poems, stories, anything that came in to my mind I wrote down. With time I've realised that this may just only be a dream but I won't stop writing. My blog is here for people to love or hate which in turn will lead them to love or hate me. This is my honest account, brutally honest at times, of my life and how I see the world each day. 

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Today I'm feeling a little down. Only a little, mind. I'm feeling a little lost.

I've never been the girl with lots of friends. That has never been me. I've always been the one with close friends. Lately, it feels, my close friends seem to be getting further and further away. One has moved to Camber to pursue his loves, one is in Australia and another is possibly moving up t'north. Okay, so they are all varying degrees of distance but it does make me wonder whether I should be moving too. I love where I live. I am blessed to be surrounded by beautiful countryside within a village of mostly, wonderful people. I look at the people who I value to be my closest friends and I get scared. I am scared that perhaps I will be left here alone with no one. A friend of mine who resides in Eastbourne seems the most distant of them all. She's busy and I understand that. We have conflicting free time so it's harder for me to see her but still, it would be nice, just now and again, to get a text which seems such a difficult thing to do for me. It does hurt, I admit. I feel, at times, I am putting in more effort than I'm getting back. I feel left out of her life when, once upon a time, I was a huge part of it. 

The other problem I have is that I am no good at making friends. People have this assumption of me that I am aggressive or whatever. This, simply, isn't the case. I am fierce for the people I love and the things I care about. There are those who cling to the past and insist on repeating old, distant memories. I have changed. Dramatically. Yet there are still some who are determined to hold me back at the same point I was at years ago. It's getting old. My lack of friend making skills is something I've had since childhood. I've always made a friend and kept them close. They become precious to me. I think it's my passion that could scare people. I am headstrong, determined and passionate. Something I seem to find lacking in a lot of other people. Not in my close friends though. They are all the same as me and I support them with everything I have. It has been odd though. Losing a friend to the other side of the planet, only to find that from that, we have become closer. Without her encouragement I would be lost entirely.

Perhaps I shouldn't feel despondent. There, in truth, is no real need for it. I, as well as my friends, are doing amazing things with their lives. The only difference is, they have made dramatic changes, whereas I, have merely made little steps towards who I want to be. I guess that isn't a bad thing. At least I am moving forwards rather than being stuck in some 3 years ago rut with the same people, the same places, the same attitude. Maybe it's maturity that's scaring me. 

I am still happy lovely reader. I still have my PMA and nothing can change that. I just think that maybe, just maybe, I feel like something is missing. I think it's time I made a conscientious effort with people who I like a lot yet don't spend time with when I should. Maybe I should broaden my horizons even more. Stretch my belief in possibilities further than I thought possible. I have a lot to be thankful for. I just wish I could plonk everyone in one place and live in a hobbit hole with them.

Hannah xox