Day 156.

She didn't know what to feel.

*

It's early Monday morning and rather than be asleep, I am awake, frustrated. For a change, not sexually. I'm frustrated by myself.

I drifted off briefly. Tried to find some peace in these early hours but was instead met by those memories that made me doubt my reasons for staying around. I remembered the times where my trust was broken. I remember the lies. I remember the bullshit I put up with thinking that I deserved it.

Once upon a time there was a boy. There was a girl. This girl was naive, foolish, stupid. She thought he was the only person she'd spend her life with. She lost friends. She hardly saw her family. She let him walk all over her. She was made to sob until she couldn't breathe whilst he called her a psycho and pushed her even further. She was left having breakdowns because she couldn't cope anymore. There were good days. That was when everything was okay again. That's when she did whatever she had to, to please him. He liked those days. She wasn't arguing for things she believed in. She was laughing at his jokes. She was going along with his fabrication of the truth to his 'friends'. She put up with his 'friends'. The liars, the cheats, the druggies, the morons.

One day they were having a rare 'good' day. They went out for the evening. He ruined it. Insert the liars, the cheats, the druggies, the morons. He ruined it. He winded her. He had stolen that last bit of trust she had for him. She hit him. She shouted at him. She called an ambulance and yet again, broke down.

A few months later she was still with him. They were having a lovely time. All smiles and fake laughs for everyone. She found something out. She discovered something she never thought possible. She had something that made her smile so much it felt as though she would explode. She felt real love, protection, adoration. This was what love was. A few months later that beautiful feeling was gone. She was empty. Alone. That little bit of joy she had. He took it away. 

She will never be the same again.

The moral of this story kids is:

• Don't put up with shit from anyone,
• Especially not a partner,
• Don't compromise what you believe in so as not to 'rock the boat',
• Throw them overboard if they aren't willing to accept you as you are,
• When you find that amazing feeling inside, don't lose it,
• Don't think that you have to settle for ordinary,
• Find the kind of love that hurts in the most beautiful way possible.

Before you ask, I'm okay. I'm fine. I just had a flashback. It hurt. Made me angry. Yet, I'm on the right path now. I'm happy. I'm me. I'm so appreciative of all the shite I've had in my past because without it I wouldn't be who I am today. I'm so grateful.

So, to all those who thought you were stronger than me...
Bring it.

Hannah xox