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Well, that flew by again. Christmas has been and gone. That one day a year where we all try and play happy families, exchange gifts and eat more than is humanly possible. It's all over with. I love Christmas. I love going to church on Christmas Eve, sing my heart out so people turn round to listen and watch, going home, mince pies, drinks, presents under the tree. It's all so magical. Perhaps, not in the same way as when I was a child but still, magical.
I am currently fighting against my end of year mentality that seems to sweep me up in the last week of every year. I have that sudden urge to transform myself. Like everyone, I worry about whether I should have a new year's resolution, should I change everything about myself? Yet, it irritates me that people must wait until the beginning of a year to change something about themselves. It shouldn't matter what day, time, year. You should be able to change whenever. I've been like this for years though. I like to have the date written down, so when I look back I can see how old I was and what I was doing. It's my history. It's my legacy. I want to be able to look back and go 'That was twenty years ago, where did the time go?' I feel great importance at this time of year. I feel as though ties should be cut, changes should be thought through and life decisions should be made. I feel as though waking up on New Years Day, hangover or not, is the chance for me to breathe new life in to my world. A fresh start, with nothing tainting the year before it's begun.
I get very emotional around New Years Eve. I reminisce and become hyper critical. I look at all of my failings and wrong doings and resign myself to being an awful person. I then have some form of arse kicking and I suddenly become overly motivated. Frustrated that I can't really put my plan in to action right away. I must wait. I must wait for the right time. There isn't a right time though. I know that yet my past life Hannah comes back to haunt me and I find myself obsessing over date and time.
Another trait I have is trying to make sure that there are elements in place that I will remember in time. For example, the last song I hear on New Year's Eve will become a huge factor for me. Of course, I will forget what it was but just for that brief time, I must remember it. Hold on to it as though it actually makes some kind of difference to me. I must remember the last thing I say as the clock chimes. I must remember who I am with, how I am feeling, what I am wearing. I must remember it all, as though it will impact my life if I don't. Everything has to be just so. I have to be in a way that as the clock strikes 12, I am reborn.
It's difficult to explain why I hold so much emphasis on these traditions, shall we say. I just remember growing up desperate to have times, dates, events all stored up in my brain which, ultimately doesn't seem to retain much. I used to write in my diary every year, mainly crying, hellbent on changing myself. I held such importance on being a different person I think it's just remained with me ever since. I think by remembering minor details within the change of one year to another, I'd be able to look back and see how much better I am now. It's not so. It doesn't work like that.
No doubt I will blog again before the new year. After all, I must have something written down, in order for me to remember. To remember the list of samey resolutions, the list of unachievable changes. Time, date, age, name.
A new year is so important to me. I'm just scared of messing up again.
Hannah xox
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