Day 10.

Some days it got too much. It became unbearable to read the generic bull shit coming through on social media. Things felt distant. Happy though. Things to look forward to. The worst response to anything. Ever. "Ok."

*

After my sister finally being able to say 'love you' in a text, I realised how grown up she had become. The fear of being in hospital over night, on her own, had probably sparked this sudden admission but it was warmly welcomed all the same. My family always seems to have difficulty in expressing emotion, apart from anger. We are good at arguing, not so much at admitting love for one another. Maybe this is why I am so cynical about love and relationships. Maybe this is why I am a hopeless romantic.

Today I struggled to be confident. The pressure of 'performing' got too much, I suppose. Was I always putting on an act? I felt relieved to be out of that house. Using my fake smile and laugh began to wear me out. I was so nervous there and I didn't know why. After what seemed the fastest hour ever, it was all finished with. The act could stop but why did I stress myself out so much? There was really no need. I am competent. Good at what I do. Passionate to learn more. That should be enough for me.

Planning a night out is sometimes all the medicine you need. Especially when it's with a friend you barely see. A friend you've missed so much for the last couple of years you thought at times that nothing could be salvaged from 'the wreckage', formerly known as life, that pretty much destroyed it. Men got in the way. Work got in the way. Life most definitely got in the way. I have her back though, slowly but surely. My friend of many years, my true friend, never really did leave. I can't wait until Friday.

I began to wonder what my relationships with others would be like in a few years time. When someone you really love leaves your life it can feel completely empty. (My advice, if you want them back, make the first move and persevere. Only until, of course, they tell you to 'fuck off and never speak to them again', would I advise, perhaps, to forget about it.) Would I be best friends with the person I thought I'd never like? Would I still be in love? Would I be having fun? Some questions are best left unanswered. The future can seem scary.

Why can I leave my house looking and feeling good yet return home in a state, which can only be described as 'worn out'? (Answers on a post card kids.) I think seagulls are shagging on my roof.

Hannah xox