Day 9.

She was pleasant enough. Funny. The smell was unbearable. More of a stench. Foul. Breath taking but in the worst possible way. Thank God for gloves and aprons. Thank God it was only for an hour. It was intense. You couldn't see for flies and shit.

*

Today I feel vulnerable. I feel as though my feelings are out of control, as though I have no real sense of what they are and what they mean. I don't know how to be. I feel good about myself which hasn't happened in a while. It's as though I am expecting something to go wrong. The butterflies. The anticipation but of what? What is it I am actually waiting for?

Vulnerable I may be but I also feel powerful, sexy, in control. Whatever has happened to me over the last couple of days is unknown. Yet I feel this inner burning. (No not heart burn.) An intense, over whelming, passionate desire to rekindle the Miss Case that once was. Similar to yesterday but this is fierce. It's uncontrollable. Am I setting myself up for my downfall?

There it is. There's the fear. The fear of preparing myself for a great fall. I've also thought I was intuitive. As if I knew when things were going to happen but never like this. I feel I need a beer, cigarettes and a long day with a good friend. Mulling life over. Asking the questions that shouldn't really be asked. Revealing how I actually feel rather than what 'should' be said. Is it bad to question your entire life over a feeling?

My mind is resolute. It is focused, determined, fully submersed in my thoughts. Drowning in over thinking. Sinking in to myself entirely. How would I re-surface? Gasping for air in an over crowded mind.

I feel alone yet fully surrounded. Things are just clicking in to place as they should be. The world around me is changing. Entirely. I am changing. I can feel it in my bones. I am lost yet found. Hidden but exposed. Head or heart? The question of a life time. It's all good trying to figure out the meaning of life but how do we distinguish which feelings we follow? Is it the head or the heart? I always believed I followed my heart and it served me well for many years. However, as those years have rushed by me I feel like I am only following my head. My heart being left redundant in a cavity it once thrived in. 

Time will tell or so they say. Who are 'they'? It's time to excite that old heart of mine and put it to good use. 

Hannah xox