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I have a day off from work today and boy do I need it. I am technically only a part timer but from my years working within the care industry, that's all I need to do. Not only in the respect that the money is enough to suit my needs, it also allows me less stress (usually) and I can pick up the extra shifts if I want to without being obliged to do them. It's a nice balance of work and play without over doing it and resenting the job completely. It's harder to work when I am living here purely because if I a) have a call cancelled, or 2, as the case was on Monday, I can't just go home and wait and b) if I need the loo I am pretty much stuck until I drive all the way home. Trust me, if I could go when in clients houses I would but some leave a lot to be desired.
It has really amazed me how mellow I am lately. For nearly 2 months now I have noticed such a vast change in the way I am as a person. I really don't recognise myself sometimes. I have worked out, however, why I used to be the way I was. Stress. Good God. As my life has taken twists and turns recently I really can see how having less stress actually makes such an impact on life. I had spent the last few years with all this pent up frustration, resentment, jealousy and anger. I let it out in times when I shouldn't have done. I was aggressive, rude and angry but for, what seemed, like no reason at all. I was stressed. Unbelievably. The amount of things I was allowing to build up all got too much so I would vent it in the worst ways. There will be many people who read this blog and there will be those who do not, who think they know my character down to a fine detail. I can safely assure you that you're all wrong. I was always told I was aggressive and so angry but if people actually bothered to take the time to find out why, they would definitely have had a different view on me. Luckily though, the majority of people who have this sole impression of me are really not worth my time.
I have changed. I have transformed. I am no longer aggressive, moody or angry. I am calm, peaceful and mellow. I am back to being the Hannah I once was with my laid back approach to life. I am happy. Absolutely. This isn't to say that I have become a pushover. I am still fierce when it comes to defending my loved ones but it has become in a different form. I will still stick up for myself when I think people are treating me badly but I won't allow it to consume me. After yesterdays fiasco at work I would have previously let it stress me to the point that it would ruin my entire day. Yet, that didn't happen. I got home, had some food, relaxed and enjoyed a wonderful evening. I know the exact reason for my miraculous change too. Not only am I no longer in stressful environments surrounded by those who thrive off drama, I also have become closer to my family, my friends, I have a good job, I have a future ready for me to work towards. I am no longer fearing that I will be stuck in a dead end job with no money, no friends and no love. I have everything I could ever want or need right now. Forget all the materialistic things we all seem to crave, I have found the only goods I need from the situations I create around myself now.
Stress does not have to determine your life. It can be combated and really should be. By removing myself from circumstances that brought me down I have become a new woman. Yeah, so I may still have debt and a shitty car but realistically none of that matters. It's something I can sort out in time. I have visions of how my future will turn out and each time it excites me.
I can't wait to live this life in the way I was intended to. Everything has happened for a reason and I am so grateful for it. It's now time for me to download some Cliff Richard tracks and get ready for my day of nothing.
Hannah xox
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