Day 66.1.

The songs kept playing. The music she had been avoiding so she wasn't reminded of him. The bitter sweet melody ringing in her ears as she tried to shake off her longing for him.

*

As a teenager I don't know how my parents coped. I was horrible. At the time I felt unfairly treated, I felt misunderstood. I was a truly evil person to be around as a teenager and now, with all my life experience and understanding, I wish I could go back in time and kick myself up the arse. With my depression being at it's peak at that time it made the day to day teenage struggles even harder. If I could go back and whisper in my ear that things get so much better when I am nearly 24 perhaps things would have been different.

I experimented with my own idea of rebellion. I started smoking, got lots of piercings, stayed out all the time, started drinking, wore the most bizarre clothing creations I could come up with. At the time I thought I was 'different'. I certainly felt it anyway. I felt completely different to anyone. Well, apart from my best friend of the time. She was like me. She was quirky, unafraid to express herself in her clothes and an avid user of MySpace. It was cool at the time kids. I wouldn't change these times for the world. I would change my attitude though. I would change the way I spoke to my parents and things I said to them. I guess that's part of growing up. You learn that whilst you're trying to 'find' yourself, people around you are just trying to look after you. They just care. I see that now and do whatever I can to repay them for what they did for me as I grew up.

Today, for no reason other than I wanted to help, I did the housework. Simple thing, I know, but I cleaned the entire kitchen, the bathroom, vacuumed throughout and cleaned my parents room. I took a little bit of that stress off my parents so they could just get home from work and relax. They didn't have to do anything. I made dinner last night too. My first ever Shepherds Pie. I can just tell how impressed you are going to be once you've read that, so just take a minute for that to sink in...

I am starting to feel like a mother hen. I feel like I'm ready to build my nest. I feel so content with the way everything is going, I have just settled. I would be a good housewife. Although it would drive me nuts that's for sure. I couldn't be stuck indoors not earning my own money and solely relying on someone else. I want that kind of equal partnership where we both earn, we both support, we both love. I salute anyone who chooses to stay at home with the kids but it isn't for me. I have managed to spend 1 day so far in this house and I am already getting cabin fever. I am looking forward to work tomorrow to get out of the house.

On Friday I get paid. This is a joyous day. Everyone loves payday especially when they aren't having to spend out a ridiculous amount of money on rent anymore. I have surprises to pay for. I have treats I want to buy for people who I really care for. I can't wait to see their faces. 

Not long now and it will all be back to normal. I will be bobbing along once more and although my smile hasn't gone anywhere, it will be even bigger and brighter soon...

Hannah xox