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It's not just a girl thing. Insecurity. I think us ladies have so much to live up to we end up drowning in this expanse of how we should be. The lads get it too.
For years I have been insecure but it is only recently that I find myself not feeling it so much. I realise now that I am worth someones time, I am worth someones attentions and I certainly am worth being happy in a relationship without fear of the other person being 'stolen' from me. (Not that I view people as possessions but you know what I mean.) I used to worry all the time that I wasn't good enough, that they'd find someone better, that they'd realise I'm not worth it. I don't feel like that anymore. Not one bit.
The only way to deal with insecurity, I've found, is to change those stupid voices in your head. The ones that are constantly filling your mind with negative ideas, the ones that tell you something is going on when in actual fact it isn't. I know now that staying in that mindset is dangerous. It plays havoc with your emotions and ruins any relationship which could have had the potential to be good or, at least, better. I don't worry now at all because in the end of it all, they're with me and I know that. It's surprised me in the way that I now look at situations and respond to them.
I began thinking about dating (surprise, surprise) and how it's such a complex battlefield of emotions, 'rules' and what actions are deemed as dating ettiquette. It really makes me wonder how we all actually cope trudging through the minefield of dating in the hope we don't step in the wrong spot and it blows up before our eyes. One wrong move and it's finished. I guess it depends on different people and their mindset on the whole dating scene. Whether they are a traditional type with the flowers, romantic meals etc or if they are using a more modern approach such as chatting on Facebook and it only being official when it's displayed for the world to see. I, personally, prefer the traditional approach. Not for any other reason than I have never had that. Past relationships have either come about when I was a lot younger and we were excused from playing by the adult rules or just through the other person not being a typical romantic. I like dates and days out. I like doing things with the other person. You get to know someone so much better. I like the awkwardness of it all. How we should behave. How we should project ourselves. Are we giving off an ideal image or the real thing?
For someone as shy as me, depending on the situation, I find dates difficult. Going for a meal with a new, potential partner has always been a struggle for me. I have this inbuilt fear of eating in front of someone unless they are a friend. I get really self concious. My last partner had to put up with me not eating or, eating very little, for quite some time before I relaxed enough to eat in front of them. By the end of our relationship I was eating so much I am surprised I didn't tuck in to him whilst he slept. I put on a lot of weight from just being comfortable. That scares me. I was in my prime before we started seeing one another and as I got comfortable, my clothes became more uncomfortable. Luckily, he is a good friend of mine and we have both supported each other with our recent weightloss. I am nearly at my weight when I first met him. I have had to force myself to eat in front of people. I have had to realise that nothing bad will happen if I do. I think from all my years of being bullied for being 'overweight' despite being at my smallest, I feel panicky that others will comment on me now.
So not only do we have to contend with the actual dates we then have to try and work our way around the confusing realm of when we can speak to these people. We all laugh and joke about people being keen and texting all the time etc but what is keen, what is stalker like behaviour and what is not giving a shit? The fine lines in between are really hard to distinguish. How long should we wait to reply to a text? Is it okay to call? I quit. I seriously quit. I am so tired of not being able to work out what is and isn't acceptable that I am just following my gut instinct. If you want to reply to a text then just do it. If you want to ask how they are then do it. If you've just had a really great date and want to see each other again, just say it! Why does it have to be so complicated to spend time with another person who you can see a future with? I have tested this theory recently and quite honestly neither made any difference whatsoever. The person liked knowing that I was thinking of them, they actually thought it was sweet. They didn't care that I didn't reply for 4 hours because they know I have a life of my own. It's so refreshing not being stuck behind the rules of dating which as far as I'm concerned are being updated on a daily basis. We are all so scared to express our emotions through fear of being a keeno that we 9 times out of 10 don't say enough and the other person thinks we aren't interested.
If only dating, relationships and emotions were black and white. If only it was just a simple case of saying 'hey I like you, let's go on a date. Okay, the date was good will you be my partner? Yes, awesome.' Done. However, it would take the fun out of it. The agonizing conversations with our friends trying to decipher the messages he's sent us. One bit of advice from someone who has actually spent time in the past trying to unravel the meaning behind a message from a fella... don't. You are seriously wasting your time. Guys, from my experience, really don't play in to that whole 'let's be cryptic and not give away too much' bullshit. It's pretty standard. Take everything fairly literally and you should understand what they are trying to say. Trust your instincts. If something doesn't seem right then talk about it. Stop trying to work out someone when you only have a text message to go by.
The dating game is there to be enjoyed not to be worrying about. Time isn't a factor when it comes to love. There is never a right time to fall for someone, there is never an appropriate time to 'move on'. You just have to let it happen naturally. No one should be able to dictate your heart. We have been given this opportunity to have fun and to enjoy what life throws at us, so why would we sit back and wait an extra month just because society deems it inappropriate to start dating again? Why not just go for the bad boy, have your heart broken just for the thrill of saying you've done it? There doesn't need to be rules laid out for us by others who don't know us. We make our own rules. You and the person you're seeing. It is not up to anyone else to judge you on your decisions.
Hannah xox
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