Day 109.

It was the only time she was ever able to make a difference with him. He was so hellbent on acting like a moron it was hard to even contemplate remaining in his life. It was such a shame to see how someone, who had told her to be a different person for so long, was so unable to change the way he was. 

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I'm finding this whole 'get my essay done' scenario a little unnerving. Purely for the fact that I am actually doing it. I spent an hour last night just looking for qualitative evidence that massage benefits arthritis. What a way to spend an evening! Yet, surprisingly, I am so glad I did it. I feel like I've actually accomplished something. I could have gone out last night yet, instead, did something that was going to benefit me in the long run. (Hopefully.) After observing, and listening, to certain people's whinings about how they want to change and be better people, I decided enough was enough. I will no longer be indulging your moans about how things aren't going right because you keep doing other things. I'm afraid to say that working hard is the only way to earn playing hard and quite honestly you don't seem to have deserved it one bit yet. Not recently, anyway. 

Whiff was his usual, un-apologetically blunt self the other day when, after reading my previous blog post text me: 'That blog was a little emotionally unstable, feeling sorry for your brain at the moment!' What a charmer. Maybe he was right though. In some ways. We started chatting about how I 'need to love myself before anyone can love me back' which, in fairness is quite true. Only problem is, I do love myself. Quite a lot actually. I am living the life I want. Okay, so maybe I wouldn't choose to be living at my parents house but I am still doing the things I want to. I am fully aware that another person will not complete my life and I think that is the biggest thing we must admit to when we are single in any hope of being able to meet someone else. When we are living a life that seems to expect another person to completely fulfill us then we are really just searching for anyone. We aren't actually looking for something to add to our lives. Why wouldn't we aspire to find someone who will be an addition rather than just the bit we were missing to be whole? I'd rather come with that little bit extra! This it the thing though, we are hunting for our 'other half' rather than someone completely separate who fuses together with our lives and makes us in to two amazing people.

The dating game is a difficult one. It is not something that we choose to enter in to necessarily, I think it's just an event we are thrown in to when our hearts decide we want something more. It's the game that's played by everyone, single or not, we all play with our cards close to our heart, in the fear someone will see we've been bluffing the whole time. 

I have decided to share with you all a letter I received from one of my best friends in Australia that she had sent for my birthday, along with some gifts and a card, with also a beautiful message. This letter just goes to show how much I have actually changed over the last few months, even years, and how really, the only important people to worry about are those who know you well.

"Dear Hannah,

I hope this finds you well. I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. I must admit, I have become very caught up and am afraid that my wishes may be a bit belated. Still, I hope you have/had an amazing birthday full of all the best things in the world, after all, that's what birthdays are for.

So, I am not able to celebrate with you but, as I write, I should hope that you are stumbling home (or indeed to the home of some sexy stranger who is going to give you the most mind-blowingly amazing sex you've ever had) after a fabulous night of drinking and dancing.

I also wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. The changes I've seen for you are incredible. I would say you are back to your old self. But I don't think that is so. You have grown so much these last few months I think you've overtaken that girl from before. And anyway, she's past. You've become a new woman. And I think I love her even more than any of the other types of yourself I've known before.

Hannah. You inspire me. Part of what I have been doing is only because I've seen how somebody else has brought what they want to them, fully.

It takes a lot of hard work to get good at life but by the power of Bey, I think we cracked it babe! From now until forever, let us always be happy and have good things surrounding us.

I adore you, (every version) and I am excited to see what comes next for you. Thank you for supporting me, most of all for letting me get on with things. And thank you for being my inspiration.

Happy birthday again, I hope the pressies help to nurse your hangover!

Enjoy.

All my love and wishes to you,

Amy xxx"

Now that is a friend. That letter is going to be kept in my purse forever more. This puts everything in to perspective for me and it goes to show that even though she's in Australia, the changes, and improvements, I have made for myself are really apparent. The only people who won't notice how different I am are those that are jealous, I've found. They're the ones who don't want to see someone succeed. The ones who are afraid of change for themselves when sometimes it is the best thing. I hope anyone who reads my blog realises that somethings have to be changed whether it's an easy or tough decision. Ultimately, our lives are precious and we are given opportunities to make ourselves the best we can be or, at least try. I feel sorry for anyone who isn't brave enough to make a change when doing so would be the best thing for them.

I am blessed. I am loved and more importantly, I love who I am today. Now I can wait to see if there is anyone who can celebrate life with me. Not as my 'other half' or someone who 'completes' me but with someone who will bring something amazing to an already amazing life.

Hannah xox