Day 107.

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Nothing ever changes with you does it? It's such a shame because at times, you are potentially one of the nicest people yet, generally, you're a knob. You want people to take you seriously yet act like that. All you seem to care about is being popular but surely being popular is the most self obsessed way of wanting to be? It's a shame you seem to count your friends by quantity but not quality. It's a shame you seem to think that acting like an 18 year old forever is the best way to live. Ever heard of a happy medium?

Done.

I got a text from him yesterday. He will read this and think I am talking about someone else. I haven't really mentioned him in this before, I don't think. Well, maybe a couple of times. Due to my 'controversial' blog post yesterday that I've subsequently deleted, he messaged me. I knew it was coming and to be fair, I was surprised I wasn't getting more grief from the rest. The problem with him texting me, whether it be in a good or bad way, was that it really hurt. The effect this man has had on me for the last year has been phenomenal. The way he changed me. He was the one who made me feel alive in the first place. It hurt because I missed him. I missed the way things were. I missed the excitement. There are so many things I could write but can't. The blog I write has to be censored so much but I have more stories than I can remember with him. At times it was difficult with him. Circumstances made life impossible. I knew I shouldn't have really let him go. Either way it could have gone, I was happy and that was the main thing. I should have just enjoyed what I had. I wish I could do it again. I know it will never happen though. The best thing with everything now though is that I am so far removed from any situation, life would be so much easier...

I've decided I'm unsure as to whether I want a relationship anymore or whether I just need a good seeing to. Charming Hannah. Real charming. After laughing my way through this dating site I've really seen the limited amount of men there appears to be around me. Well, at least the ones who are using the internet anyway. The state of some of them. Good grief. No, I am not interested if you have no teeth, look more drugged up than Whitney did and want to lick my feet. Yes, I did have a good weekend, am fine but seriously have you got nothing else you can bother asking me? Yawn. Where are all the funny, sweet, good looking men? It's not like I even have a particular type. Blond, brunette? Fat, thin? Okay there are slight preferences but it's not as if I'd dismiss someone straight away. It's more about the spark I feel. The connection I notice. The passion I reckon could spill over. That's what I want. A passionate man. Someone who will pin me against that wall and show me a good time. Apparently I've woken up a little horny this morning, I apologise. Yet really, is it so difficult to find a man?

Maybe my 'search' for one should cease for a while. After all, if I'm not even sure I want to fully commit to someone, maybe there's no real point. There have been some I thought could be good for me but then I scare myself out of it because it's all new. I have been so adjusted to a certain life with the ex that the thought of being with someone new is always scary. I think that says it all in a way. I'm not hung up on my ex in the slightest but maybe my life isn't established as I first thought. I don't feel dependent on anyone, I have a job, I go to uni, I have amazing friends. No, actually, I think I am ready, I just haven't found the right person yet.

Perhaps he's out there, maybe he's not. I might meet him on a train, in the pub, at uni but either way I will meet him when I should do. For now, I need to make sure I am enjoying myself as much as I can. I do need to make sure I end up with someone I think I could be happy with though. I don't want to end up years down the line compromising who I am, what I believe and how I live. 

Oh I don't know. This writers block is doing me a mischief lately. Too much on my mind. I miss him. Maybe he will text again today. I need a ciggy. I'm not with it at all. 

Hannah xox