Day 184.

It was like she'd woken up. Properly. From the longest sleep she'd ever known. She'd finally become the person she'd always dreamed of. Not some imitation copy. She was finally awake. Wide eyes.

*

Yesterday brought with it amazing memories. For me, a memory is something I seem to lack yet I knew that the feelings I experienced would be something I would never lose. 

Along with my sisters and their fellas we ventured up to London. The one city I feel really at home in. After years of trips to Ealing to see my grandparents I was always excited to go back up there and be amongst the bustling crowds and noisy streets. I loved it. We were on our way to Brixton to see The 1975. A band I had loved ever since my friend played me 'Chocolate' in the car one summer's day. It made me happy, it reminded me of her and I couldn't be more excited to hear it live.

Whilst waiting for my older sister and her partner, myself, my other sister and her mister, wandered around Leicester Square taking in all the sights and smells that beautiful place had to offer. With the bells ringing, the chatter of tourists and the sounds of street performers I knew I was in for a good night. We finally met up, had dinner and headed somewhere to get a drink.

The tube was always good fun. So many lines weaving their way around the city. Brixton came all too soon and then came the chilly walk to the Brixton 02 Academy. An imposing building, rising up amongst the run down shops and dull lights. The buzz was phenomenal. We were late, worrying our unreserved seating would be swamped with groups of excitable fans, leaving us separated. Luckily, that was not the case. As we made our way up we sat in the middle, looking down across a sea of heads. The stage was in perfect view.

The warm up acts were good. More so the first than the second. I wasn't really up for seeing an Avril Lavigne tribute act. And then they came on.

The first thing I noticed, or should have noticed, before going in was the signs mentioning the strobe lighting that would be used throughout. Not good news for an epileptic, or possible epileptic. I didn't care though, it would all be worth the mini seizures...and it was. The bright lights flooded the stage, the smoke machine engulfing the front row in a fog of anticipation. 

It occurred to me throughout the show how much I missed seeing live music. After becoming somewhat of a recluse from the music scene it confirmed to me that I was certainly missing out. I also saw that I was one of the only people not on my phone throughout the whole show. Now, as much as I love social media and such, I was so happy to not have my phone with me. Just for those few short hours, I was cut off from the world completely and left to enjoy the melodic sweetness The 1975 were providing. All I could see were arms in the air, holding phones. Taking pictures, recording videos. The amount of selfies going on around me was phenomenal. We decided to join in and, after my sister's flash had blinded us all so we looked stoned in every photo, we gave up. 

The change in feeling from filming an entire gig and simply watching an entire gig are worlds apart. Not having my phone and actually being part of the show was far greater than having a blurred picture of a strobe filled stage to look back on.

Whilst I stood there, listening, taking in the atmosphere, I felt a wave of emotion. Not only was I with my two sisters, I was also amongst a genuinely lovely audience who were all there solely to have a good time. I felt as though my life had clicked in to place. I was resolute that writing was the one thing I wanted to be doing. I knew I had uni but I also knew that I had bigger fish to fry. A back up plan was never a bad thing. I needed to reach even further and become everything I had imagined when I was a little girl. I needed to work for the things I love and become successful in everything I do. I was determined. I am determined.

That one gig was added to the list of 'life changers'. Those times in life where I feel complete. Those times where I realise my full potential and look towards achieving. I felt completely and utterly ready for life.

As I watch my dad, in his Crocs, picking up dog crap, I knew I wanted more from life than I ever had before.

Hannah xox