Day 234.

It was like seeing an old friend for the first time, in a long while.

*

I was about 11. Sat on my bedroom floor, crying. Crying because I couldn't work out how to make all the ideas racing through my head in to a show. Yep. I was that girl. 

Yesterday, my mum brought me the rest of my junk (well most of it) over to my friends, where I am now living. I cannot believe how many clothes I have and how many of those I don't wear. Time for either a clear out or some dedication to wearing some other pieces I usually look over. 

I came across a folder. My singing folder. Well...sort of. It doesn't actually sing itself but it does hold on to all my sheet music I've gathered over the years through college and different shows I've been in. Recently, since my friend is out most of the day, I have taken to singing in the kitchen. I've always loved singing and it cheers me up without a doubt. After finding my folder I headed for the kitchen to perform in front of the West End casting directors I was auditioning for because, of course, they wanted to hear my full repertoire. Don't get me wrong, I'm not amazing but it was comforting to know that after all these years of abuse, my voice hadn't completely given up. I sang and sang until I could sing no more or, more accurately, I needed to use the bathroom and had heard enough from the Oliver music to give anyone nightmares.

Hidden in the back of this folder were a few sheets of scruffy paper with my 19 year old selves messy writing sprawled across them. I had found the first show I had ever written. It had taken me all those years from being a young 11 year old girl, listening to a Coldplay track on repeat to gain inspiration, for me to do something about it. I had written out scenes, music I'd use. Step by step instructions on how it would be staged. It all came flooding back to me. I remember listening to Voodoo People (Pendulum Mix) repeatedly until my ears felt like they'd explode and my head was pounding, whilst lying on my bed and then slowly getting up, trying to map the choreography I had in my brain on to paper.

I look back at all of that and really kick myself. Why didn't I go on to study something that consumed so much of me and why was I still not studying it? I have been a fool, I must admit. I study a course surrounded by wonderful people and I know the master plan in the grand scheme of things yet, I hope I haven't left it too late.

Over the last couple of years I had made dvds for my sister's birthday. I created shows, alongside my ex (who thankfully edited them for me!) and found my inspiration and passion for it all over again. 

I may not be treading the boards as such, right now but I know that at some point I will focus my attention entirely on this and I will live out the dreams I've had since I was a young, shy girl crying on her bedroom floor.

Hannah xox