Day 45.

Times were changing and she didn't know if she liked it. It's okay if you don't feel the sudden shift in another person's emotions. Then it isn't so much of a surprise. This was nothing short of a shock.

*

Last night was wonderful. It was a birthday meal for one of the nicest, most interesting young men I have had the pleasure of meeting. It was my sister's boyfriend's 18th. We all gathered at his pub to have a meal with friends and family. (Well, not his pub per se but his mum and step dad's pub.) I managed to show off my waitressing flair and got offered a part time job. If I could, I would. We chatted, laughed and generally had a lovely evening. His step dad has been wonderful to their family and he gave a speech, that inevitably made everyone cry. He is a lovely man with a good heart and it was so touching to see how much of a positive impact he had made on the family unit. 

My only awkwardness came when everyone was discussing my sister and her fella getting married. They have been together since they were 15 and are practically inseparable. In my head I think I would be devastated if my younger sister got married before me. After all, it used to bring shame upon a family if the youngest daughters got married before the elder. I appreciate this is taking a dive in to my period drama porn escapades but still should I be worried? Should I be concerned that at 23 I am now single with no real desire to find a man to couple up with? After all, plenty of people from my school are now married or have children. Am I missing out? Should I be settling down?

There are too many things I want to achieve that I don't think I can fully accomplish with a man in tow. There are too many things I want to try before I settle down in another serious relationship. Since I was 15 I have generally dated people who I stay with for at least a year plus. I never see the point in just dating a few months with no intention of it being serious. I think I actually look for a future life partner in every person I date and then wait for the outcome. I have been wrong every time yet I now know what it is I am looking for. I don't want to find someone, date for a few months and end up engaged. That scares me. You can't know whether it's meant to be in just a few short months, I'm sure of it. Yet, maybe that's where the risk and knowledge that you have to work at it comes in to play.

I am the kind of girl that needs real passion in a relationship. Without becoming too detailed I just want someone who will jump me spontaneously and give me those kisses that a girl only dreams about. Press against my body. Hold me tight. Love every inch of my body. There is no way I can be in a sexless relationship. No bloody way. I need that kind of passion. I also need someone who respects me. Respects my choices, my morals, my beliefs. I can't be doing with someone who needs to change me to fit their mold. I want someone who is faithful. That is fairly self explanatory.

Is there a point where we all get bored of searching for someone who is perfect for us and end up settling for average? Should we give up the hunt for the ideal partner and resign ourselves to the fact that this is all we can aspire to having? Should we be grateful that someone loves us at all whether or not they are who we truly want?

Hannah xox