*
I read a blog. Another one that filled me with more excitement than I could shake a stick at. It was written by one of the most beautiful women I know, inside and out. She wasn't close by but she was always there. One post she had written made me cry. I was sat in my parents office sobbing my heart out to a perfectly formed paragraph that really shook me. Not because I was surprised for someone else to say it but because I couldn't be happier that someone else had felt it too.
"But why should you not date somebody, just because you've only been
single for a few days. Who's to say they're not the perfect person for
you, the last one clearly wasn't... Otherwise you'd still be dating
them, right? Generally our gut is going to tell us whether or not the
thing we are about to do is right or wrong, if we go with that instinct,
things will likely turn out the right way. If you feel it's the right
thing, then do it! Sometimes the decisions we make are the only things
that are going to help us grow as a person. I look at my life now and
what I had a year ago and am amazed at how much it's all changed."
This. This simple paragraph broke me. It completely annihilated me for no real reason whatsoever. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. She had hit the nail on the head.
From this little bit of reading I have begun to follow that advice. Despite writing it myself only days earlier I still wasn't quite following it. Or, at least believing it to be a good idea. I needed to see that someone else believes the same so I could work out whether I am doing the right things. Of course in my heart I know I am. Most definitely. It wasn't even just her who has said something profound recently. 2 other friends have also both commented on this similar topic and have said exactly the same thing. 'Do what makes you happy'. And so I am. I have been getting jaw ache for the last few days now because of this inane grin I have seemed to adopted. It is taking pride of place below my nose and doesn't seem as though it wants to go away. Fine by me. There are so many new starts coming up fairly quickly in my life that I am so keen to get stuck in and really start living.
After having my breakdown, of sorts, I began wondering about relationships and dating in general, as I seem to do more often than not. Are the traditional routes still taken when we date? Do we actually go on dates and refer to them as that? What happens after? How do we know when things have shifted from friends to dating to relationship? What are the signs?
I'm not one for reading signals overly well. I have the impression of something but manage to convince myself I'm being silly until I am sat down and told outright what someone is thinking/feeling. I need to be told. I don't like games. Not one bit. At the grand old age of 23 I don't need the hassle of trying to figure out what is going on in the mind of another. If you can't tell me yourself I won't be making much effort to find out because obviously it isn't that important. Surely? I am stuck in 2 minds. Half of me is screaming for equal rights for women and wanting to be fully independent. The other is praying for a guy to open doors, take me out and actually ask if I will be his woman. You see my dilemma here. I am torn between 2 evils. I like a guy to ask. I like him to be brave and say how he feels. It's not too much to want, I don't think, but it seems rare. We now seem to just slide into a relationship status without even knowing how it happened. I like the fact it is official. It is thought out. It's a proposal of sorts.
Yet what is the age we reach where it feels strange to be referred to as a 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend'? Are those terms specifically acceptable for anyone under the age of 18? Am I now a 'partner'? Have I reached the stage where people won't take me seriously if I refer to a guy as my boyfriend?
I guess I am just looking for someone in the future who will do things properly. Actually ask me out, if all goes well ask me to be his lady bit, refer to me as something that doesn't make me sound old but also not like a child. Dating is confusing at times. There are rules we all play by in secret yet are on full display. We shield parts of ourselves that we don't want the other to see. We act the way we think we should. For all of those I have given up. I am telling the whole truth, I am admitting my flaws and imperfections, I am embracing them, I am being the version of myself that I deserve to be.
For years I wondered what being really, really, painfully happy was. Now I know. It's being true to myself, such a cliche, and focusing my attention on me and what I want. We all have needs that should be met but there is no use in sacrificing them for something mediocre. It's time to be brave and take that leap of faith. As my beautiful blogger friend has said, 'If you feel it's the right
thing, then do it! Sometimes the decisions we make are the only things
that are going to help us grow as a person.' She is right in every way. I am going to start making my decisions based on how I feel. Good bye head, it's hearts turn and she's ready to rule the roost. Am bringing the love to me everyday and I am holding on to the dream that he is out there waiting for me.
Hannah xox
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