Day 56.

He wasn't what she was expecting. Was it just nerves? How had she become so deluded by one man? One man who shaped her life to what it is today. Shaped her in to this way of thinking.

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I'm still happy.

On Thursday I had my first panto rehearsal and although I was nervous to start with it all went better than I could ever have imagined. At first the usual lot began with how they felt things should be done and I sat back quietly and listened. I was interested to see whether my opinions would actually be listened to and I wouldn't be overlooked just because of my age and lack of experience within directing. After a while though I began to speak up. I said no to a lot of things and I made it clear what I was expecting. I felt good for being so assertive despite my shyness. It felt good that after all those years my voice was being heard and I wasn't so afraid to speak up. I can't wait for Tuesday. It all actually starts. 

After being fairly settled for 3 years I thought my shyness had worn off completely. I thought I was now confident enough to speak to anyone and go and do anything. How wrong I was. I don't know whats happened to me. It's as though everything I have worked for has gone to pot. Entirely. The only time I am actually brave enough to have a conversation with someone is when I've had a drink. I'm guessing that's the same for most people. I don't get why I can't reproduce that confidence to when I am sober. I just need to be braver. Speak up, make myself noticed. At the same time though I don't want to be noticed. I don't want people to know I'm there. I'm quite happy reading my porn (classic, period drama, romance novels) and writing all day. I can hide in a way then. The only abuse I'd get is online, which seems to be the case anyway. Although that seems to have tamed somewhat. It really is impressive how ignoring/removing certain people can actually stop the sweet little b.s floating around.

I must be brave. I must be brave. I must have a quick shot of whiskey before I attempt to start a conversation. This is not good. Today my mission is to talk. Be confident when I talk. Do it with conviction.

Hopefully this will disappear soon. I can't be like this forever, it's ridiculous. Roll on drama, uni, my secret opportunity and whatever else follows. Confident Case is on the case...Fail.

Hannah xox