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Today has been one of extreme change. I awoke to a message. The contents of said message needn't be expressed yet they, in their own tiny little way, proved to me how much I have changed. My reaction to the message was nothing short of a full turn around, compared to my reaction if it were to of happened, perhaps, a few months prior. I smiled, thought to myself 'that's okay' and got on with the preparation to appease the writer.
As I finished work I wasn't particularly looking forward to going 'home'. It has been an awkward time, living with the ex. Not that I am ungrateful, I have paid to stay there and I appreciate him allowing me the time to stay for as long as I needed. Today I needed to go. I packed my life in to bin liners as I watched Monsters University and I still felt happy. I felt happy because I knew this was the start of the next chapter in my adventure titled 'Life'. I wasn't scared or upset to be going. I was actually looking forward to it. It had been a pleasure living in such a beautiful bungalow, despite it's grubby demeanor where the D.I.Y never got finished. I had good memories of times here but now it was time to move on and although it was abrupt, I was pleased for it. Everything happens for a reason and, although the reasoning behind this sudden removal was unclear, I was grateful it had come as I knew it would be for the best. In every sense.
Going back to live with my parents has been something I have never wanted to do. Not because I don't love them and enjoy spending my time with them; but because I have lived away from home for nearly 6 years now. I have gained my independence and I enjoy the way I live. It will be strange to fall back in to their routines. To try not to bicker or get annoyed with the dog and his repulsive breath as he stands next to my bed breathing on me. It really isn't pleasant. The other downside to living with my family for some time is the toll it will take on me whilst I go to work. The extra petrol and numerous more miles acquired will be something that will exhaust both me and my bank balance. Not that either of those could particularly do with any more grief. I appreciated my parents allowing me back. I don't think they quite realise that I will be bringing my entire bin bag life with me though.
In a couple of weeks I have managed to turn my life right around with the love and support of some truly amazing individuals. I have learned lessons, gained experiences and come to realise how important it is to focus on yourself sometimes, rather than attempting to please others. I have overcome the incessant bitching and lies from some people, I have overcome the fear of being who I really am, I have buried the worrying of expressing myself fully and I am on track. I am excited for the future. I am no longer worried whether it will be a happy one as I know full well that it will be. There was a time where I looked where my life was heading and thought I would never be able to break away from it's rapid path. Yet I have. I was brave.
The only thing that saddens me about this whole experience is how it happened.
Thank you to those who are there for me. Thank you to those who have tried to break me. Thank you to those who can't keep their beaks out of other peoples business. You will forever be a source of constant entertainment. Keep it up!
My life has changed and maybe so should yours. There is no time for fear. There is no use in waiting in vain, hoping things will change. They won't. Muster up your courage and go for it. You have nothing to lose at all. I have watched many friends being brave and following their hearts and all of them are happier now. I have followed their lead and I am happy. Truly happy. It is clear, from today's drama and sadness, that I am a changed woman. My reactions are different, my appreciations are different and my outlook is different. So, to whoever says that people can't change or to those who don't give others the opportunity to change- bore off.
Hannah xox
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