Day 70.1

Shit son. Never saw this one coming. Should have known. What with your history. 

*

Whether we like it or not we are ultimately put on this Earth to procreate. Whether you want children or not, this is a hardened fact of the life we are living. Our soul goal, if we are looking at our existence in it's basic form, is to supply the world with future generations and continue our dominance on this planet with our offspring. Only once we accept the terms and conditions of our life's mission, can we then expand our thinking to other possible realms of why we could possibly be plonked here.

With age a woman can be judged on whether she has had babies or not, or so it seems. We have a time limit on whether we will be able to produce children. Whether we will be able to have the family we have always wanted. Unfortunately, for some, that cut off point comes a lot earlier than others or, there is never a chance at all. For some, the possibility of having children is something that brings them out in a cold sweat. We are in a time where it is okay for a woman to say 'this is my body and I don't want to be pushing anything out of it that I have to keep inside me for 9 months.' There may still be pressure surrounding having children but it is more commonly understood that not every woman has this maternal instinct so readily. There should be no shame in saying 'I don't want children' and there should be no shame in not having to justify it. It's our body. Why should we feel compelled to tell someone else why we make the decisions we do?

I, myself, want children. Always have. Always will. Due to health complications I was told at age 16 that there was a very low chance of me ever becoming pregnant. This hit hard. I had always dreamed of having a family. I had always imagined what kind of mum I would be. Whether I would be any good, whether I would cope, how would my children grow up, what would they do. I was tested repeatedly for PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). I had researched it and knew of all the symptoms, of which I still have, but I still remained optimistic as this was handed down throughout my family and all of them had gone on to have children. The day I was told I had little chance I felt like a huge chunk of me had been torn out. Luckily, for now, my chances have increased dramatically. Through some unknown reason the issue has calmed down and, although the symptoms of it are still present, I know that I can have children. Finding out that not only was I fertile but that I wasn't scared of the prospect of motherhood, made me excited for the future and I knew that when the time was right, I would be ready.

Gone are the days of having to be married before the thought of having children is entertained. Bastard children are much more common now. We, as a society, appear to be perplexed by those who have children in their very early 20's if not a little younger, yet back in the day this was far more common. People were married young and had children young. That was how it went. Yet now we are all still a little pitying when we think of those with children at a younger age. 'Oh such a waste. They've lost all chance of having a career now' or so has been said to me. I disagree. Why can't a woman have children when she wants and a career? Of course, it will be difficult, what with juggling childcare, being able to afford to go back to work etc but at what point were we only ever given the option of doing one or the other? I have a huge respect for working mothers. Strong, independent females who, although they adore their children, also adore themselves enough to realise that having a child doesn't mean you aren't able to live for another 18 years. There are many girls that I went to school with who already having growing families and each one of them seems to be doing remarkably well.

I have been told that I am an incredibly broody person. I know this but I didn't realise it was that obvious. As Bob said to me earlier 'you're always broody. Well the majority of the time you are.' Shit. I've been found out. I began to wonder if this was a bad thing at my age. Am I too young, with too much going on to even be thinking about having children? (Before I set the fear of God in to anyone, I would just like to point out that I have no intention of getting pregnant right now. Sorting myself out is my first priority.) As I said in my last post I want to get married and have children, order of those negotiable, before I am 30. In some vain, self obsessed way it's only because I want to have the energy for my family. I don't want to be an older mum, struggling to keep up with my kids. Not to say that older mums do all have that problem but I don't even want that to be an issue for me. I also want children in my 20's because, for now at least, I know I can have them and I don't want my age to be something that effects me, especially if I have 'issues' anyway.

It's okay kids! I've just received a message from Bob saying 'You will be an amazing mummy when you have little people :)'. That's all I needed to see, for now. Someone has faith in me that I won't fuck it up royally. It's good to know that I have someone who can actually see that I would be good at something that we can't know until the time comes. If you see what I mean. Now all I need to do is find some poor, unsuspecting man to be prepared to entertain the thought of having me as the 'baby mumma'. 

Hannah xox