Day 72.

She felt detached. She felt numb, in some sense. Her mind had stopped with it's usual whirrings and settled in this place. She hadn't had this emotion for some time. She felt consumed.

*

I rubbed the make up off my face. I rubbed away the gentle tears that had trickled down my cheeks. I was broken. I felt completely unaware of anything going on around me. It was beautiful. It had resonated inside me. The truth of the words that were written in front of me took me back, in a way, to a year ago. To a time I never wanted to forget but never wanted to be reminded of. My mind was racing of thoughts past, of feelings I had tried to lose, of times my memory had tried to block out. There was no real reason for it. The words I was reading weren't the same as what I had gone through but all the same, it had reminded me. Maybe I needed to be reminded.

We are all collections of memories and experiences, both good and bad. We are the culmination of everything past, present and future. We are pieces of a jigsaw still yet to be completed. Our lives are just moments. Some we remember, others we don't and some that we try to forget. There have been many things in my past that I have blocked out and they only manifest themselves when I am lead towards them without realising. There are some triggers that even I don't realise exist until I am faced with the situation.

For all the hard times I have had in my past, I am grateful. Without them I wouldn't be able to say now, that I am happy. I am the happiest I have ever been. So many people say that the ones who say they are happy all the time are the ones who are hiding behind it. Maybe so. Maybe some people are doing that but the generalisation that everyone who is happy is lying seems a little too bold a statement for me. I have noticed, as my positive energy levels have risen, that the frequencies of others have too. The people closest to me. The people who are supportive of my happiness. The ones that truly love that I am in this position. As a believer in karma I should have followed my instincts sooner. I should have trusted in my beliefs rather than down grading them to 'fit in'. I did. I gave up a part of myself that has been with me for 7 years now. There are too many people ready to knock you down. Break your spirit. There are too many people desperate to see you fail. There are too many people willing you to lose your way.

The way I see things now is that if you bring negativity in to your life, it will stay with you until you change. We all have those self doubting thoughts in our minds. Those that tell us we will fail, we aren't worthy, we deserve to feel like this. I kicked them in to touch and told them to bugger off. They have. With each event that happens in my life now, I am able to take the positive from it. Whether it be a heartbreak, a loss or a stubbed toe. I thank everyone in my past for what they have done for/to me. Without them I wouldn't be here, promoting happiness and self belief. I wouldn't be here feeling more grateful for what I have in my life than ever before. I am so grateful. 

A leopard can't change it's spots but we can. We aren't leopards, we are people. We are complex individuals with the power to change who we are over night if we really want to. If we see it as something we must do for survival. We have the tools to do this yet utilising them is another matter. We can find the desire, the will, the passion to change wherever we are; it's having the strength and the conviction to do so that matters.

Hannah xox