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Why can no one define love? Why is there not some really accurate, perfectly written prose that really sums up what love is, that's a universal understanding for this wretched emotion we seem to obsess on feeling.
Love is different for everyone. Love is one of the hardest things to describe and even after minutes of struggling to find the words to explain, we can all nod in agreement; knowing what they are trying to say but being unable to. I wish there was some sort of alarm within our bodies that alerted us when we were actually in love. Just some kind of air horn goes off. As you're walking down the road, a thundering voice cries 'Congratulations, you've just fallen in love!' like the bloke off of the lottery then an air horn sounds. Ideal. Perhaps. Or even better we get a letter. You can't beat a good letter. Emails are great but getting a signed card from Cupid letting us know that we are now, in fact, head over heels in love, would be great. Something for the pin board at least. I know my feelings fairly well but love is stupid. Stupidly, amazingly wonderfully stupid. Love is the most intoxicating, soul destroying, heart wrenching emotion ever but it's what we are all searching for. We are all craving it. Even those who are happy being single, deep down we all just want that person to go home to. That person to hold us when we are sad, the one that will make us laugh anytime, a person to reveal your most inner thoughts to. Just all consuming, life changing love.
It's okay for people in films. That love is easy. That love happens over the course of an hour and a bit. Simple. Words are said and the person has fallen in love. It's such an easy way of doing it. None of this panicking whether it's too soon, what will happen in the future, whether it is actually love or not. I mean, how quickly does it take? Can it happen in a matter of weeks or does it take years? When do you know to tell someone? It's a disaster. It's complicated and traumatic.
I love falling for someone. I love the rush of emotions that you feel whenever you see or speak to them. I love the butterflies in the stomach when you see them walking towards you, the way your heart skips a little when they hold you. I love the way it detaches you from any sense of normality and you have to try not to dance along the street like you're in some musical. (I would love to do that though. Just day to day. It being a perfectly normal thing to do. "I said hello, Dolly, well hello Dolly. It's so nice to have you back where you belong.") Falling for someone scares me. As much as I love it, it frightens me. I worry that maybe it's too quick. My head gets involved and tries to dissuade any emotions I am feeling in my heart. It takes me a step back and goes "Hannah, now, you do realise what you're doing don't you? Behave yourself." It's as if I have to sign some kind of consent form before it allows me to go the whole way. I tend to ignore it. I've never been one for paperwork. I just love love.
My opinions on love have changed over the years. I have learned what is definitely not love and I have been taught what is. My eyes have been opened to how a relationship should actually be. I have learned that I must stick to my guns and not let anyone change what I will 'put up with'. I must not have my boundaries pushed by things I would never usually tolerate. A couple of months ago I said I wasn't looking for a relationship, I said I would see what happens. I never see time as an issue. If something is meant to happen and quickly, then it will. Some times we just have to let life do it's thing and follow it along like an obedient puppy. We have to be gracious in remembering that we have feelings and they need to be listened to. They need to be really felt. There is nothing better than being in the moment and just feeling pure, unadulterated, heart warming love.
Perhaps 'love' will come to me sooner than I think. Maybe it will take some time. Either way I am excited. I am hopeful that it will happen again. I am going to enjoy falling for someone again. I am going to relish in it. Embrace it with my whole being. I am not going to be afraid of giving my heart to someone again. Love may come with it's evils but ultimately it's what makes us feel truly alive. It is there for all of us, we just need to be ready to take it.
Hannah xox
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