Day 73.

"Maybe he doesn't want me anymore. I don't understand why he would anyway. Look at him, he's perfect. He's more than I could ever deserve yet he says he's chosen me. I guess this will be my greatest heartbreak. He will find her. Another perfect person to match him. She will capture his heart and he will say goodbye to me. Goodbye to the chubby, unwanted waste that is me. Maybe it was all an elaborate joke. Just a pity thing. Something for him and his friends to laugh about in time. Maybe she was being shown how amazing everything could be, only for it to be snatched away even quicker. Ugh, I need a fag." Her inner monologue deafened her that day.

*

The hot chocolate burnt my tongue as I swallowed it down quickly, trying to fill the emptiness in my stomach. It was good though, I felt better now. Darth Vader's theme began playing from my phone. Must be mum. Silly woman. She still doesn't know how to use her phone properly. Today I am nervous. Today I wasn't expecting to arrive so quickly. Today I was scared that everything I've been looking forward to is about to go down the shitter.

Tomorrow I start Uni, well, I enroll. I sign all the bits of paper I need to, meet people on my course, my course leaders and am welcomed back in to Sussex Downs life, of which I haven't been part of for years. It's all so exciting. In some ways I've missed being in education, as an adult anyway. I've missed the more laid back approach, the equality, the understanding. As much as the work is more advanced, we all know, course tutors included, that if we don't work, it's our own fault. Being an adult in education results in the main pressure of performance on you. Even if you're tutor is crap you should be the one proactive enough to go and do something about it. I like this kind of independence. I can see myself being the one always found in the library in between lectures, doing my work so I don't have to do it when I get home. I can see myself being the one getting really stuck in, trying to cram as much knowledge in to my brain as physically possible. I miss learning, I miss that thirst I had for information. Soon I will be qualified and that is what is motivating me on. I am about to take my first steps in securing my future.

Time seems to have sped up. I'm counting down the days but I know there's no need, everything is rushing by so quickly, it will be here before I know it. I am so excited. I seem to be excited about everything lately.

On Saturday evening, once I have returned from Essex after seeing my sister and nephew, I have been invited to read my Angel Cards at the pub. I will be taking money from people and telling them their futures or whatever it is they want to know. I'm like a Mystic Meg type only, her hair was less wild and she didn't make predictions she just said someone would win the lottery. No? Really? I was taught how to read the cards but a friends mum about 7 years ago. She gave me the books on Angels and Spirituality, she gave me the tools to hone in on this practice. It may not be for everyone but it's certainly brought comfort to my life. It allows me to find clarity in life's darkest moments and who's to say that's a bad thing! Today, I must practice. I must cleanse the cards and try to do long distance readings. I must try and connect with my inner self. Meditate. Fall deeper in to my mind than I have been doing recently. I may take myself off to the woods and just sit in nature's splendor. Today will be one of thoughtfulness.

Hannah xox