*
Tomorrow I turn 24. Needless to say I am not looking forward to it. I never thought the day would come where I actually dread my birthday. I'm a real believer that age is just a number but I also had a plan and I can see that rapidly disappearing before my eyes. My plan has changed. The memory of the original has not.
My body decided to wake me at 5am. I am in no doubt that soon I will be faced down on this keyboard snoring away. I hope I am anyway. There is no way I have had enough sleep. I am perfectly used to only ever getting 5/6 hours sleep a day, however, with that comes a great price. Unfortunately, with a mind like mine, it's really difficult to switch off. I get so far and then 'boom' my heads off in overdrive again. I like that there's this constant whirring, this life, this inspiration constantly flowing through my mind but, at times, it would be wonderful to just stop. The issue with my mind whirring and being awake at 5am is that not many other people are so that tends to lead me to thinking. Luckily, I have a beautiful girl in Australia who I know will be up at my unGodly hour.
I thought, in my moment of delirium that it would be a splendid idea to look at his Facebook profile. Go on girl, torture yourself! I was fully prepared for the 'kick in the stomach' feeling, the nauseating butterflies, the excruciating realisation that I didn't have him in my life anymore...all I did feel was relief. I was actually pleased, in a way, to no longer be involved. After the couple of weeks of feeling like I had lost out on something amazing, I realised that perhaps it was just something I had built up in my head after all. Perhaps it was just something I needed to really find what I want. I've found it. In the form of high heels, girly chats and synovial joint revision. I felt I was finally over it.
My online dating adventure is still interesting. I have come to the conclusion, that to be honest I knew already, that there are no men in the Eastbourne area. There are boys, plenty of them but no men whatsoever. Those that I have been speaking to have been from places that would take me at least an hour to travel to, if not further and I find that quite disappointing. Are there really no sane, decent, good looking men within a half hour travel time of me? Apparently not. I have found the mundane trend on this site, for men, is to write about how they like going to the gym and keeping fit. Now, as wonderful as that is I would like actual proof of that because I can't quite believe that is true. It would be similar to me saying it just because I drive by one occasionally. It doesn't quite count. Another joyous reason I enjoy the online dating scene is because of the men that have topless photos. As if we women are just going to suddenly fall at their feet because they've revealed their prepubescent chests. I can't control myself, I must have you and I must have you now. Can you really not sell yourself without cracking out a bit of flesh? It's the same with the girls though. I've seen the generic tits under the chin, rocking the duck pout whilst looking slightly constipated face they all seem to pull. I find it a great compliment that a lot of guys have actually messaged me saying 'It's so refreshing to find a girl with photos that don't have her pouting in.'
I'd love to be surprised, proven wrong. Shown that there are men in this world who aren't arseholes and don't contain the charm, wit and soul of a prune. After a brief discussion, myself and the beautiful one, concluded that are standards aren't too high. We have both been through enough shitty relationships to realise that we have given up too much for people before and now it's time to only accept what we really deserve. We have worked our tits off for the types of people who never deserved our time or our love. We have moved aside our morals and common sense for those who abused our trust and our hearts. My expectations are going to remain high. I am not compromising all the hard work I have put in to be who I am today, for the sake of a boy. The one thing I did say to the beautiful one and, which I believe to be frighteningly relevant to me right now is simply:
"I am going to take a masculine way of thinking and find me a fuck."
Why should we ladies only ever go looking for a relationship when it's okay for a man to look for an opportunity to get his dick wet?
Hannah xox
No comments:
Post a Comment