Day 96.

She was a little concerned but couldn't say anything about it. Not yet anyway. She was seeing the doctor. That would be the best thing but was it too late? Had she left it too long without doing anything?

*

Today is going to be a funny one. 

Yesterday was yet again filled with the joys of Uni; something I had fallen in love with almost instantly. I work alongside the most fabulous group of women. Thursdays are definitely the highlight of my week. Despite being a fairly reserved person and not being overly keen on people I don't know touching me, I have happily relaxed in to the notion that I will be used as a guinea pig, of sorts, for others to practice their massaging techniques on. My first massage was a little awkward. Only in the sense that where I had not had one done before I was unsure of how high the hands would go and whether I would be comfortable with it. My third, that I had yesterday, was so relaxing I ended up falling asleep. I drifted in to a semi conscious state accompanied by the snores of the girl on the next table. 

I experienced even more joys on the dating site I have signed up to. Wednesday night was filled with some unusual conversations, mainly the one I am about to divulge. A guy. A random guy with the message of 'Hi Hannah, how are you?' I viewed the profile and decided he wasn't for me. I deleted said message and continued with my evening, none the wiser as to what was about to happen. Another message popped up from the same man. 'Can I ask your advice about something?' To this I thought, 'what a clever ploy to get a reply', this I then sent to him and was greeted with the incredible story that unfolded rapidly. 'My ex has got some dodgy photos of me naked and has threatened to show my mum, sister and the rest of the world.' I chuckled, only briefly, of course, I am not that mean. Sort of. 'She told me to act like a dog. She had a gun.' This was the point where I decided against any further communication. This is too much for a Wednesday evening a after  ridiculous day at Uni where one of my lecturers thinks it's okay to click at us and stand at the front like a primary school teacher. I was not in the mood. I had never considered the 'block' button before, purely because the chats I tend to have are so funny I don't want to forget them, however this turned sour. After refusing to offer any help he decided the only way to 'affect' me would be calling me a dog and mean. To this I replied with 'Yawn'. Apparently he didn't like that and decided to 'insult' me with more delightful offerings such as 'Your dull and your hair is shit.' Here is my chance, I thought and in one swift typing frenzy I merely replied, ' *You're ' Again, he didn't appreciate that and I was called a cunt. It was a good day had by all.

My experience of this type of dating has been somewhat different. I had expected weirdos, that's for sure. I am pretty confident that it's a standard when signing up to these things. It will always attract the socially awkward, bizarre realms of men that we women can only pray don't really exist. Yet they do. The desperate, rude, sexist pigs that troll the internet either looking for a quick fuck from some gullible woman, or the ones hellbent on trying to be offensive and crass. I love it. I love the fact that the abusive men on this site, because they haven't succeeded in winning you over with their amazing lines of 'Alright babe. Fancy meeting up coz your hot?' actually think being rude is the next step. I think mainly, for me, if I am messaged by someone who cannot even be arsed to type out words properly, I tend to instantly dismiss them. It really bugs me. Why are we struggling to even type a simple structure of words? 

I can't tell whether I am liking this scenario of meeting men. For me, I feel even more anxious. I find it hard enough, at times, to talk to new people as it is. Writing, texting, instant messaging is all fine with me because I can take time, think of something witty and won't stumble over my words. Yet now, I can have a good conversation with someone on these sites, it can go well because I am not physically speaking and then the time will come, where I meet them, find out they're as chatty as a lemon and I will start to flounder. I have decided I think I need a chatty man. Someone who can literally rabbit on for ages, allowing me the chance to attempt to string a sentence together, and who will put me at ease. I find, with people who are chattier, that I relax more. This is definitely going to have to be one of the main criteria I look for nowadays.

I have now been single for 3 months yet it feels more like 3 years. So many things have changed over those months I feel like a shadow of the girl I once was. This is great because I am glad I am not like the girl I used to be. She was difficult, to say the least. She was troubled, struggling, resentful. Now I am on Cloud 9 everyday because life is so wonderful. I was sent a picture by a friend which entailed the 'Steps of a spiritual awakening.' Of course, being a Spiritualist myself, I had already become aware that this had occurred, but it was nice to see that someone, despite being the other side of the world, had noticed it too. Everything is and will continue to be wonderful. Another of my amazing friends said that even though there will be times where things get you down, you have already been at your lowest point and you have watched your life reach a high. There's no need to be afraid of falling down again when you've already witnessed how it can rise. She really is like some wise Buddha, prophet kind of woman. I am very lucky with my support system.

Things that are on my mind this morning:

1. Why are people incapable of wiping their drips of urine and pubic hair off of toilet seats?
2. How can I justify another pair of shoes?
3. Will everything go okay later today?
4. Why have you not text me?
5. I must stop being afraid.

Hannah xox