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It's funny where we can find inspiration, the best advice, something to cheer us up. It's funny that we can spend so long thinking we are happy when we aren't. It's funny how everything works out in the end.
I was able to see one of my favourite clients today. She is fantastic and her family are just as wonderful. I am known there as either 'Red' or 'Happy Hannah'. I like both. I like how I have a nickname within their home. I feel accepted there. Today I delivered the news that she, or her family, were not expecting. They had been routing for me to find a man since I had been caring for her. They had been so supportive and encouraging. They were excited when I was excited and they were there when things didn't turn out so great. Yet her husband. The amazing man that he is was dishing out the words of wisdom faster than I could take them in. He said there was no rush, I am lovely and will find someone perfect, that I shouldn't change, that everything will work out. The one thing he did say though was this:
"It's time to stop looking for a boyfriend and start looking for a man."
He couldn't have put it anymore perfectly than that. It was so spot on I could have hugged him.
I have dated a 'man'. In fact it turned out to be the longest relationship I've ever had. He was a man, in sorts, I mean he had all the attributes of a man yet his mental age could sometimes be argued but it was better than being with someone my own age. In a way. The problem I have found and/or noticed with guys my age is they are really 17 year old boys mentally. They don't understand the world in the same way. They don't see it the same way. It's all this 'lad' culture we are meant to accept and buy in to and whilst I don't mind it overall, it is letting their side down dramatically. I get that boys are different from us girls. I understand that but whatever happened to just being a decent guy, who was mature enough to be settled (I don't mean planning on marriage and babies etc) with a nice girl who was good for them. Apparently it's not enough. These lads seem to think that the idea of settling means you're missing out on something, you can't see your friends as much, you are losing out on the single years you 'should' be having. Well here it goes. You're wrong. Maybe settling with a girl does seem scary but what is scarier, for me at least, is being alone without any real experience of a happy, healthy relationship. I'm definitely not someone who says you have to be with someone properly to have a good time, not at all. To be honest sometimes we just need a lay. That's fine. Yet, surely if you can't imagine settling with someone you're just missing out on another side of life that to be honest is sometimes better than being single?
I am happy being single but that seems to be such a sell out. It's as though the people who say they are happy single are lying and are just saying it so people don't pity their status. My status is such: 'I like being single however I would like to be in a relationship. I am really busy and have lots to focus on but if I was to find the right person then I would make time for them.' The idea of a good relationship to me has changed a lot. I used to think that relationships were built on seeing each other all the time, everything happening fairly quickly, being unable to see my friends as much. NEWS FLASH: I have learned that this is WRONG and I do not operate under this misguidance anymore. It's a childish way to have a relationship. It's not balanced and it's certainly not healthy. Now, I am of the understanding that a relationship involves space, time with friends, time doing things you love and ultimately trust. Sweet Lord the amount of relationships I have had without trust or without any time apart. Bad times. Good learning experience but bad times all the same.
Now, I'm ready. I have my life sorted and everything planned. Maybe that will worry people. Apparently that could scare guys off. Or maybe, if they were properly sorted themselves they would see that a woman who is sorted is much better than being with a girl who doesn't even know herself. Who knows? Clearly my radar for understanding men is so out I may as well give up. I won't though. I am still holding on to the hope of true love, the one person who will sweep me off my feet, my chance to have everything I've ever dreamed of. From this you can assume I need to lay off the rom coms for a while. Perhaps it's for the best.
Changing the subject to a whole other end of the spectrum my sister came in to my room to tell me:
"Bloggs' mum bought her fella a cock ring so I put it on the rat to massage him."
Never a dull moment.
Hannah xox
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