Day 142.

Maybe she was being stupid. Perhaps she was too fussed by everyone else to even attempt the notion that it could actually be happening. Was she being too picky? Was she seriously going to give up so early on?

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I am writing to you from the lovely warm Uni library of which I spend most of my Tuesdays. Here, I delve through countless books and research articles in a desperate attempt to construct essays that, so far, I am neither interested in or fussed about. The only thing that spurs me on to do them is knowing that inevitably, I will fail my course if I don't do them. However, when writing the mind numbing drivel that has become my life, I often exercise my procrastinating nature to it's extent. Today, other than this post, I have not done that.

This weekend has been different. Friday night with the girls being refused a lift home by my friend in order for her to pursue her match making skills, was not particularly welcomed. As I sat shivering on  a step trying to work out what to do I had resigned myself to spending the night there so as not to have to drive home under the influence. Luckily, it was resolved after much shivering and many offers from helpful passers by asking whether I wanted any help. I looked like some kind of tramp. I think it suited me well. Saturday saw a busy day of work and Sunday rushed by with the staff party including lots of slut drops, declaration of love and cigarettes.

It's so exciting what with it being December now. I am counting down the days until Christmas whilst also putting off Christmas shopping. My family are impossible to buy for. I literally have no clue whatsoever. 

As with every other holiday or special time of year, it is odd to know that I will be spending it alone. Well, alone in sorts. I will have my family around me but I won't be treated to a special gift from a special person. I'm fine with it really but I look back to years gone by and remember the excitement they once brought me.

I have come to some sort of realisation though. Being single suits me. For now. It would be lovely to have someone there but as long as they don't want the titles being applied too soon. I want the knowledge that I have someone there but at the same time I don't. It's so much fun being on my own, at times. I am so busy with life I don't even know where I would begin to fit a man in to it and in some ways, I don't really want to fit a man in to it. Perhaps it's because of relationships before that I am more inclined to not want one at the minute. Perhaps because of all the stresses they've caused me, I don't want it all again. Am I just putting off a relationship with someone out of fear or repeat performances or because I simply don't want one? Would I be happy either way? Yes, I think I would. There is no getting away from the fact that, as time goes on and the years pass by, I am worrying about my future. May sound strange for someone of 24 to talk about but realistically it plays heavy on my mind. It's something that haunts me in a way. Don't get me wrong, I am not attempting to hunt down my future husband or father to my children but it would be nice to have the option of finding someone who I could potentially see that with; rather than just some guy who I am seeing. It's a tough call and one I will never understand perhaps. I just need that something that will stop everything for me. Something that will literally take my breath away and give me that sign I need that this is what I want. 

It's tricky.

Life's tricky.

Love's tricky.

I suppose I should get back to my essays. I should stop procrastinating. I should stop looking on eBay for crap I don't need. I'll go shoe shopping instead.

Hannah xox