Day 143.

There are those days where we wish, as individuals, not to be noticed, not to be desired, not to be required. We are in a battle with what we should do and what we want to do. We are determined by those surrounding us, judging us, oppressing us. We are mere pawns in a game which will last momentarily but resonate for the rest of our lives. We are simply us. Simply existing. Simply wishing.

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In life we are given many decisions. Some of which we don't really want to make but have to for our own sanity and for, possibly, someone's benefit. We are given the opportunity to make life turn itself around yet many of us don't take it. We are brought to a point of no choice, resulting in us hiding away and shutting the world out. We all have a choice. We all have to do what's right for us. Right for us at the time.

It's true that things just turn up when we least expect them to. The only problem is when they all turn up at once and you're left wrestling with a decision that could take your life in a million different directions. I have found that, when in those situations, I am very good at hiding and ignoring it. I am a seasoned pro, I'll have you know. (I am also a poet apparently.) I have this wonderful tendency to blank out anything I don't want to think about and then panic in to a decision when the time comes. Usually after I've been pressured in to it.

When it comes to menfolk I am a nightmare. Half of me wants the nice, kind, sweet fella who will be lovely to me yet the other half wants a complete tosser. I think this is the same with most women. We can't ever choose. One note I must make which, I should really take notice of, is that we women, beautiful and intelligent as we are, are unable to change the tossers in to the nice, kind, sweet fellas. There is no way of doing it I'm afraid yet we still dream of the bad boy. The one who will break our hearts repeatedly. The ones who will push us to our limits and expect things to be okay. The ones we all moan and bitch about yet love the thrill of them. Ideally, we need a mix. We just need a nice tosser. Someone with a bit of spark who won't sit there agreeing with everything we say but also, someone who will look after us when we need it. This is the man I would like yet I can't find him. 

My days as a singleton have been amazing and I'm not convinced I want to give them up just yet. Not one bit. I need to be properly convinced. So far I haven't been. It seems that my lust for love and my desire to be single are being questioned a lot lately. I have offers. I've had a few offers but I'm still not sure. These bloody menfolk are like buses. You wait around for one and by the time you decide to walk away they all turn up. I don't want to hurt anyone though. That's what scares me. I'm so afraid that eventually I will make a choice whether that be to stay single or move on to a relationship and I won't be pleasing everyone. I have met some really amazing people lately and I want them in my life whether that be romantically, fuck buddy or friends. I just can't work out which it is yet. 

I'm not advocating sleeping around and I'm not suggesting that playing the field is always the best option but perhaps 'try before you buy' could become something of a revelation in my world. The only issue with doing so is it can become complicated. 

I'm the sort of person who will get caught up in a moment very quickly. I can get swept away by emotions when in reality I should really keep them on the back burner entirely. I have hurt people before and no doubt, I will do it again yet it's never intentional. Sex and relationships complicate everything.

Perhaps there will be a defining moment. A sign. Something of substance that will make me realise, 'yes Hannah, this is what you want' but, for now, it hasn't happened. I will enjoy dating and see where it leads. That's the only option I have now isn't it?

Hannah xox