*
He put his hands on my waist. The music was blaring. It was such an unusual scenario for me. My friends giggling around me. Pointing and whispering as he leaned towards me. 'This is it' I thought, as I struggled to comprehend what was about to happen. 'I'm going to be one of the normal girls now' my mind muttered to me. Finally I would feel grown up, included. It was wet. The only memory I really have. I don't even remember his name. I was 14. My first kiss.
The ideal surrounding 'firsts' has always lost me. When I was younger I didn't regard 'firsts' as more important than anything else. I just knew that once it was done, it was done. My first kiss is something of a distant memory. It wasn't with anyone special. In fact, I think I'd only known the guy for about 5 minutes. It was an underage night at Atlantis, of all places. Eastbourne's club on the pier. I was with friends from school. We danced and laughed and then it got serious. Usher's 'Yeah' came on. We all know what happens when that happens. The boys circled the dance floor, ready to select their chosen female. The girls, even at 14, danced like hookers in the hopes of enticing one of the hunters on the outside. I'm afraid I was one of them. One by one we were selected. All praying we wouldn't end up with B.O boy in the corner. I was lucky. B.O boy made his selection and thankfully it wasn't me.
He came over. Sly smile on his face. Older than me. Must have been 16/17 at least. He put a hand on my arm, came close to my ear, asked me my name. As a terribly shy 14 year old this was all new to me. I could barely speak to my own sister, let alone a boy. A real life boy! I had seen my friends had noticed I had been approached. They were all watching. Kissing the guys they were dancing with, with wide eyes, all staring at me. I felt the burn of their gaze all around me and knew I had to 'perform'. This was the first time I learnt about performing. About trying to overcome my shyness. It was easy to pretend to be something I wasn't when I acted it out. We spoke, briefly whilst he spun me round and pulled me close to his body. I could feel him against me. He held my hips, grabbed my bum, turned me to face him. He held me. My heart began to flutter. It was actually like being in a film. I thought my rom-com fantasies were all about to come true. Maybe he liked me, maybe we'd meet up again, he'd fall in love with me and we'd live happily ever after. Of course, I was being a tool.
The rest is a blur really. Other than it being wet, quick and not overly breathtaking. (Gosh that's a great description of some ex lovers.) All I remember was one of my friends shouting 'woo Hannah' and that was it. I think from that moment on, despite being a soppy bugger anyway, I loved love.
Other people's first kiss stories intrigued me. One friend was 17 when she had her first kiss. Sat on a park bench after drinking some alcopops. In her own words, 'Dang I was hardcore'. Another was called frigid because she moved away in disgust after being attacked by the 'washing machine tongue'. Only one person responded with something vaguely sweet that didn't relate to a horror story. He told me that he was 16 and it was with his first love. If only we were all that lucky. The only part of this tale that may not be considered so romantic was he was nearly sick and they broke up shortly after.
I may be a sentimental old fool who loves making a point of dates and times, despite having a sieve for a memory but I do still love love. Firsts aren't so important. The build up to your 'first' anything is fraught with nerves, excitement, anticipation yet, it doesn't mean your life will miraculously change. It won't be like it is in the movies. It won't, most likely, be that memorable.
First kisses now have changed. Any firsts I have nowadays have become something new. Whereas before I just wanted to be accepted, feel as though I was included through peer pressure, I am now looking for the firsts that really take my breath away and I am not accepting anything less. A first kiss with a potential partner tells me pretty much all I need to know. The first time I have sex with someone is another part in my decision making plan. All of these firsts add together so I can decide what I am doing. Yes, perhaps it's not the best way of doing it but if I don't get butterflies, I'm not interested anymore. I've kissed plenty of frogs who were supposed to turn in to princes but, quite frankly, all they turned in to were the biggest mistakes of my life.
There aren't many more firsts I can have now. Not within relationships or dating anyway. Not the usual ones. Maybe I should give some firsts a try again rather than being scared. Maybe I've had enough of firsts and just want my last, first kiss. Maybe I just want that all to be over with so I can just have the one first I've always dreamed of. Being in love for the rest of my days...
Hannah xox
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