Day 149.

Once upon a time he was everything. Once upon a time he was everything she thought she wanted. Once upon a time he was everything she thought she needed. Once upon a time he was everything she thought. Once upon a time it all changed.

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As time has gone on my belief in the universe has doubled. Trebled in fact. My belief in everything happening for a reason has gone sky high. My belief in life and love has been returned when once upon a time, I thought it was lost. 

It hasn't taken long for me to regain my love of life. There was a time where the darkness seemed overwhelming. A time where I saw no way out. I was living a nightmare. I was petrified of going on. I never thought I could do it. The blackness overpowered me. Took me over like disease. Darkened my mind to a point of indescribable pain. I was lost. I wasn't me. I was a shadow of my former self. Yet, with a change of mind and a change of heart, everything is how it should be again.

These last few weeks have been amazing. Not for any particular reason but all in all they have filled me with so much happiness, love and laughter. I, for a time, worried that my friends seemed few and far between yet in actual fact, the people I have around me mean more to me than a fleeting friendship with someone I barely know. The people I have surrounding me lift me up when I'm down and bring me all the love, respect and happiness that I deserve. I am incredibly grateful and lucky for what I have.

With Christmas comes time to reflect. This time of year, especially as we approach a new year, fills me with excitement. I, nowadays, look forward rather than back. I dream of the endless opportunities that are coming my way. I hope that I can make some kind of difference in this ever changing world. I have nothing to fear anymore.

This weekend reaffirmed to me who I am and why I am this way. I felt empowered. Overly happy. Overly thankful. I am so proud of who I am. There was a time where I never thought I could achieve this euphoria. There was a time I didn't believe I deserved to be happy yet now I know that all of that was a lie. We all deserve to love who we are, aspire to be the best version of ourselves that we can, be grateful for every day.

This weekend reaffirmed to me that I am capable of love and receiving it. I am deserving of love and receiving it. I can see a little clearer now of the things I want. The dreams I want to build and the life I want to live. All of my decisions those few months ago have lead me to be the happiest version of myself that I have been in such a long time. This morning I had the opportunity to write a bitchy, inappropriate blog about a certain situation that occurred yet I didn't. I didn't for the simple fact that this 'situation' arose from an immature and jealous place of which I don't want to be associated. Unfortunately, I may have lost someone I thought was a friend but clearly the battle lines have been drawn and the immaturity and misunderstanding are rife. I thought I'd be more angry, more upset but in actual fact, I think this is the best thing for me. I think this will be the best way. Who knows? For now, I am still unapologetic for going out at the weekend. For enjoying myself. For allowing myself to be happy and I am certainly not going to feel bad for it.

There are some, who may think I live in this fairytale bubble where there is someone out there for everyone, a soul mate, a true love. Maybe I do. However, I would rather live knowing that it's already taken care of. The universe has it already planned and things really do happen for a reason. I feel reassured that although certain things may not be happening for me now, they will in the future as long as I hold my faith. Religion isn't a factor. Belief is. We make believed as children yet that skill is taken away from us as we grow older. We are told it is not good to dream or imagine. Life is not how it appears in films. It could be though. Perhaps if a few more of us believed we could all live happily ever after.

My next plan is to improve. To work on the already fabulous life I have been given and improve on it further. I have the determination to bring good things to me and I have the faith that it will happen. For anyone who thinks I am in a dream world, all I can say is that you've given up. Try and live with this positive mental attitude and I can guarantee that everything will fall in to place.

The universe knows what I want. Now, I must wait for her to deliver it. 

Hannah xox