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I've been looking back over the last few years. Mainly 2013. That was a strange one. A year of somewhat dramatic change.
This year begins with expectations, worries and motivation. It also begins with a hospital appointment. On the 15th I am lucky enough to go back in to hospital for more tests on my head. For those of you unaware of my situation, allow me to explain.
Since the age of 10 I have suffered with what the doctors have assumed is a type of epilepsy. I was tested at a young age and they decided that these 'seizures' were a hormonal balance that would level out as I got older. Sadly, it hasn't. My 'seizures' have become a lot more frequent. Whilst driving, talking to friends, watching a film, taking a walk. They can happen at any time for any amount of reasons. I may not fall to the floor and 'fit' as you may assume, I actually zone out entirely. Like an out of body experience. My head feels tight, I tend to feel very sleepy and have been known to fall in to unconsciousness. It's scary, I can tell you that. I panic and get very upset especially when it is a big one. Some last seconds, others last hours. It all depends.
On the 15th, I am hoping that they finally give me more tests and confirm what is wrong with me. I worry constantly that I am going to fall ill again, I get nervous about going to new places in case I have an attack. It's eating away at my life and it's about time it all stopped.
I'm worried about going. What if they tell me there's nothing they can do? What if they say there's nothing wrong with me? How can I keep living like this? I'm not scared of being diagnosed at all. In fact, I want a name for it. I want to be able to relax knowing that there is something and I can fix it. I'm scared of having nothing. 14 years I have suffered with this and it's been 14 years too long.
Other than worrying about my hospital appointment, I have been trying to sort my life out. I've been feeling distant from it all. I started uni with all the excitement and passion as I should have done but that has slowly disappeared. I don't know why but I'm just not enjoying it. I feel like I'm being left behind in classes. Everyone else seems to be interested in what they're being told but all I do is disappear inside my head, wondering what to write about, making up little poems and being completely distracted. I look at the work we are given and sigh, knowing that ultimately I am writing about something that no longer interests me. I must keep going though. I can't back out now. I don't want to. I guess I just need to find what lead me to it in the first place.
2013 was a bizarre year if truth be told. I began the year blogging and promoting sex toys, I became a carer again and then I became a barmaid. I recently received a message from some random man on the dating site. (Not that I've paid any interest in it lately). His comment to me was something of 'You're 24 and only work in a bar. Wow what a waste of life. Definitely not interested.' It was quite funny really considering his job is a chess teacher. He's really making a difference in the word. I thought it was strange. Why would you bother sending that to someone in the first place? I apologise my lifestyle doesn't please you, however, why should I? Sadly, I engaged in conversation with this moron purely out of frustration. He said that I was judging him for his occupation (despite him being the one that did so to me) and that I am stuck up because I told him I thought he was a prat. I felt justified in my opinion.
My single status has remained in tact and for now, I still have no enthusiasm for that to change. Although...
A friend of mine was speaking to me last night as I was having one of my 'moments'. The times where I flail around moaning about what I am and am not doing with my life. He told me there were 3 things we need to be happy. 1)Social happiness (including love life) 2)Working happiness 3)Financial happiness.
I thought over each of these, wondering which was the one I was most unhappy with. Sadly, none of them sprung to mind. I am happy with my job. Simple. My finances are fine. I don't need a lot of money, I work and get a student loan so, for now, that's fine. Socially? I don't feel to hard done by. My closest friends may live far away but that doesn't stop me from speaking to them. I have friends I go out with and speak to frequently. Yet I don't have a man. Is this what's missing from my life? Realistically, no. I don't feel that a partner is going to complete me. If anything, and from experience, they hold me back. I didn't go to uni to study drama because of one ex and look at me now. Granted, it wasn't entirely his fault. I should have been strong enough to say 'this is what I want, I'm going.' I didn't. I will live with that regret forever.
Out of all of them I suppose the social happiness will be the easiest one to tackle first. I have ideas in the pipeline that, I hope, will set me on another more exciting path but, for now, I think I'm okay. I just need to know what my purpose is. Why am I here? What can I do for people?
One of life's questions that may remain unanswered. I'm going to give finding it out a good go though.
Hannah xox
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