*
Well, I say hangover. I don't think I'm sober yet.
This was a wake up call for me. After wandering in to my parents room last night, sleepwalking, I made the decision that alcohol was not my friend whatsoever. I had definitely gone too far. Again. The sleepwalking I couldn't do much about. That goes hand in hand with my sleep talking yet I knew the demon drink hadn't helped with it at all. I can't look my parents in the eye this morning.
It was a great night. Good people, good friends and family, all coming together for a surprise birthday party that had taken an entire day and shut pub to organise. She was delighted, as I hoped she would be. It was fun.
I realised a week ago that my drinking had become another problem to add to this long list of boo boos I keep making. I am relentlessly making a fool of myself and I can't seem to shake the idea of why. I'm pretty sure I know why but making that initial admittance was harder than it seemed.
My world seems very confused right now. Not only am I struggling with planning on what I should be doing, I am also torn between who I should be doing. Classy as ever you'll agree.
I have a very good friend. He's amazing in every single way yet I can't help but wonder why I do it to myself. He makes me laugh, he's sweet and he doesn't take my crap yet I can't seem to go any further than that. I hit this brick wall that instantly says 'nope. You can't'. I have no valid reason not to go any further apart from this massive panic. A panic that isn't justified in any sense. I'm panicking that I'll lose the freedom I have craved for so long. I think that's the biggest giveaway that maybe, right now, I'm not ready.
Dating seems a bit of a minefield too. After seeing someone a couple of times, I thought, this was good. I thought I had overcome my fear of letting go and accepting the fact that someone would be right for me. I'd met the friends, we spoke daily, I was all good to go apart from that niggle, yet again. The insane thought that, perhaps, I wasn't ready. Surely I would be ready soon? This is longest I have ever been single since I first joined the ridiculous world of love and dating. Nearly 6 months and despite the offers I couldn't help but ask myself why not? Was I really that fearful of letting go that I'd never be able to?
It shouldn't be rushed, I know that. After jumping from relationship to relationship, it probably was the best plan that I just stop for a while. Although, as time goes on and I date even more, I worry what my cut off point is. How far can I go without really admitting how I feel? How far can we go before it's too far?
Friends with benefits isn't something I ever planned on having. For me, it proves too much of an effort. Even more so than being in a relationship. We have to hold ourselves back so we don't get too attached but not too far or the other person will think we aren't interested. All I know is that I can't do that to myself. I get far too caught up in the moment. I say things, do things that hint that I want more yet when it comes to it, I just can't commit.
I dread being alone but at the same time, I dread being in another relationship that doesn't give me everything I want. I guess, there's no way of telling from the beginning and we have to go with how we feel but I'm too scared to even try.
Hannah xox
I'm sorry I threw 2 glasses of water over you but that was ridiculous.
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