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Over the weekend I was lucky enough to see my older sister and my nephew. As it was my younger sisters birthday we all spent time as a family and it was really nice. Recently, I've noticed how much better me and my younger sister get along. Before I always thought she hated me but nowadays she's happy to have a chat and spend time with me and I'm really enjoying it. I'm not entirely sure why. I think it all changed when I got my diagnosis. I think she has seen that I am a lot more vulnerable than first thought.
I do get fed up with this epilepsy at times. It's irritating being on edge that I'm going to have an episode all the time. Generally, I put it to the back of my mind and get on with things but there are certain situations where I know I will have one no matter how little I worry. It tends to be in supermarkets. Not sure why. Could be because how busy it is or the funny lighting but every time I know I will have one. We went at the weekend to pick some food up for the little birthday party we had planned. It came, as it does, like a wave of panic. Everything blurred and I felt myself rocking. I grabbed my sisters arm and told her I didn't feel well. She looked worried but made a joke. She's good like that. It felt like my feet wouldn't move. I felt like I was floating along by my family. I could hear what they were saying but I didn't feel like I was actually there. It is one of the hardest things to describe but those who suffer will know what I mean. I ended up holding on to my dad. A little stronger than my sister! He knew instantly that something wasn't right and kept me moving.
They're such peculiar sensations to have. Myself and my mum worked out that there was a possibility that I had a full seizure, months ago, without even realising. I was seeing some friends and ended up having 2 drinks (vodka and coke). Now, that wouldn't make me drunk and that wouldn't have a huge effect on me. This time, it did. I remember waking up, completely out of it. I wasn't where I thought I was and I had pain on my rib cage and hip. I had blacked out the majority of the evening. I was worried something more sinister had happened at the time but looking back I think it was more likely to be a seizure. I have never felt so ill in all my life. I had never felt so out of it before. It was terrifying.
I'm staying positive though. Life is too short for me to worry about this so much. I just have to be careful.
Keep smiling.
Hannah xox
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