Day 109.

It was the only time she was ever able to make a difference with him. He was so hellbent on acting like a moron it was hard to even contemplate remaining in his life. It was such a shame to see how someone, who had told her to be a different person for so long, was so unable to change the way he was. 

*

I'm finding this whole 'get my essay done' scenario a little unnerving. Purely for the fact that I am actually doing it. I spent an hour last night just looking for qualitative evidence that massage benefits arthritis. What a way to spend an evening! Yet, surprisingly, I am so glad I did it. I feel like I've actually accomplished something. I could have gone out last night yet, instead, did something that was going to benefit me in the long run. (Hopefully.) After observing, and listening, to certain people's whinings about how they want to change and be better people, I decided enough was enough. I will no longer be indulging your moans about how things aren't going right because you keep doing other things. I'm afraid to say that working hard is the only way to earn playing hard and quite honestly you don't seem to have deserved it one bit yet. Not recently, anyway. 

Whiff was his usual, un-apologetically blunt self the other day when, after reading my previous blog post text me: 'That blog was a little emotionally unstable, feeling sorry for your brain at the moment!' What a charmer. Maybe he was right though. In some ways. We started chatting about how I 'need to love myself before anyone can love me back' which, in fairness is quite true. Only problem is, I do love myself. Quite a lot actually. I am living the life I want. Okay, so maybe I wouldn't choose to be living at my parents house but I am still doing the things I want to. I am fully aware that another person will not complete my life and I think that is the biggest thing we must admit to when we are single in any hope of being able to meet someone else. When we are living a life that seems to expect another person to completely fulfill us then we are really just searching for anyone. We aren't actually looking for something to add to our lives. Why wouldn't we aspire to find someone who will be an addition rather than just the bit we were missing to be whole? I'd rather come with that little bit extra! This it the thing though, we are hunting for our 'other half' rather than someone completely separate who fuses together with our lives and makes us in to two amazing people.

The dating game is a difficult one. It is not something that we choose to enter in to necessarily, I think it's just an event we are thrown in to when our hearts decide we want something more. It's the game that's played by everyone, single or not, we all play with our cards close to our heart, in the fear someone will see we've been bluffing the whole time. 

I have decided to share with you all a letter I received from one of my best friends in Australia that she had sent for my birthday, along with some gifts and a card, with also a beautiful message. This letter just goes to show how much I have actually changed over the last few months, even years, and how really, the only important people to worry about are those who know you well.

"Dear Hannah,

I hope this finds you well. I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. I must admit, I have become very caught up and am afraid that my wishes may be a bit belated. Still, I hope you have/had an amazing birthday full of all the best things in the world, after all, that's what birthdays are for.

So, I am not able to celebrate with you but, as I write, I should hope that you are stumbling home (or indeed to the home of some sexy stranger who is going to give you the most mind-blowingly amazing sex you've ever had) after a fabulous night of drinking and dancing.

I also wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. The changes I've seen for you are incredible. I would say you are back to your old self. But I don't think that is so. You have grown so much these last few months I think you've overtaken that girl from before. And anyway, she's past. You've become a new woman. And I think I love her even more than any of the other types of yourself I've known before.

Hannah. You inspire me. Part of what I have been doing is only because I've seen how somebody else has brought what they want to them, fully.

It takes a lot of hard work to get good at life but by the power of Bey, I think we cracked it babe! From now until forever, let us always be happy and have good things surrounding us.

I adore you, (every version) and I am excited to see what comes next for you. Thank you for supporting me, most of all for letting me get on with things. And thank you for being my inspiration.

Happy birthday again, I hope the pressies help to nurse your hangover!

Enjoy.

All my love and wishes to you,

Amy xxx"

Now that is a friend. That letter is going to be kept in my purse forever more. This puts everything in to perspective for me and it goes to show that even though she's in Australia, the changes, and improvements, I have made for myself are really apparent. The only people who won't notice how different I am are those that are jealous, I've found. They're the ones who don't want to see someone succeed. The ones who are afraid of change for themselves when sometimes it is the best thing. I hope anyone who reads my blog realises that somethings have to be changed whether it's an easy or tough decision. Ultimately, our lives are precious and we are given opportunities to make ourselves the best we can be or, at least try. I feel sorry for anyone who isn't brave enough to make a change when doing so would be the best thing for them.

I am blessed. I am loved and more importantly, I love who I am today. Now I can wait to see if there is anyone who can celebrate life with me. Not as my 'other half' or someone who 'completes' me but with someone who will bring something amazing to an already amazing life.

Hannah xox

Day 107.

...

*

Nothing ever changes with you does it? It's such a shame because at times, you are potentially one of the nicest people yet, generally, you're a knob. You want people to take you seriously yet act like that. All you seem to care about is being popular but surely being popular is the most self obsessed way of wanting to be? It's a shame you seem to count your friends by quantity but not quality. It's a shame you seem to think that acting like an 18 year old forever is the best way to live. Ever heard of a happy medium?

Done.

I got a text from him yesterday. He will read this and think I am talking about someone else. I haven't really mentioned him in this before, I don't think. Well, maybe a couple of times. Due to my 'controversial' blog post yesterday that I've subsequently deleted, he messaged me. I knew it was coming and to be fair, I was surprised I wasn't getting more grief from the rest. The problem with him texting me, whether it be in a good or bad way, was that it really hurt. The effect this man has had on me for the last year has been phenomenal. The way he changed me. He was the one who made me feel alive in the first place. It hurt because I missed him. I missed the way things were. I missed the excitement. There are so many things I could write but can't. The blog I write has to be censored so much but I have more stories than I can remember with him. At times it was difficult with him. Circumstances made life impossible. I knew I shouldn't have really let him go. Either way it could have gone, I was happy and that was the main thing. I should have just enjoyed what I had. I wish I could do it again. I know it will never happen though. The best thing with everything now though is that I am so far removed from any situation, life would be so much easier...

I've decided I'm unsure as to whether I want a relationship anymore or whether I just need a good seeing to. Charming Hannah. Real charming. After laughing my way through this dating site I've really seen the limited amount of men there appears to be around me. Well, at least the ones who are using the internet anyway. The state of some of them. Good grief. No, I am not interested if you have no teeth, look more drugged up than Whitney did and want to lick my feet. Yes, I did have a good weekend, am fine but seriously have you got nothing else you can bother asking me? Yawn. Where are all the funny, sweet, good looking men? It's not like I even have a particular type. Blond, brunette? Fat, thin? Okay there are slight preferences but it's not as if I'd dismiss someone straight away. It's more about the spark I feel. The connection I notice. The passion I reckon could spill over. That's what I want. A passionate man. Someone who will pin me against that wall and show me a good time. Apparently I've woken up a little horny this morning, I apologise. Yet really, is it so difficult to find a man?

Maybe my 'search' for one should cease for a while. After all, if I'm not even sure I want to fully commit to someone, maybe there's no real point. There have been some I thought could be good for me but then I scare myself out of it because it's all new. I have been so adjusted to a certain life with the ex that the thought of being with someone new is always scary. I think that says it all in a way. I'm not hung up on my ex in the slightest but maybe my life isn't established as I first thought. I don't feel dependent on anyone, I have a job, I go to uni, I have amazing friends. No, actually, I think I am ready, I just haven't found the right person yet.

Perhaps he's out there, maybe he's not. I might meet him on a train, in the pub, at uni but either way I will meet him when I should do. For now, I need to make sure I am enjoying myself as much as I can. I do need to make sure I end up with someone I think I could be happy with though. I don't want to end up years down the line compromising who I am, what I believe and how I live. 

Oh I don't know. This writers block is doing me a mischief lately. Too much on my mind. I miss him. Maybe he will text again today. I need a ciggy. I'm not with it at all. 

Hannah xox

Day 100.1.

He was always there. Wherever she looked, she was reminded of him. Once upon a time these reminders made her smile; now, they just hurt. They were like rubbing salt in to an open wound. Painful and unnecessary.

*

As I tend to do, far too often perhaps, I had a conversation with a friend regarding sex. Shock, horror, I know. It was to the point and short lived. A similarity already shared with the actual act.

We were discussing why women, it seems, are so afraid to speak about sex, in any form. He referred to it as the 'slag complex'. The moment a girl chooses she wants a no strings attached relationship with a guy yet bails out before anything happens in case she gets a reputation or is referred to as a slag. Ladies, let me have your attention for just one moment... Having sex does not make you a slag.

It appears that men and women have different sets of rules they must play by when it comes to sex. Men are celebrated for getting their leg over whereas women are shamed and called every abusive name under the sun. She is judged and typically, the only men who will look at her, until her reputation diminishes, are those who just want a shag. She will struggle to find a decent man because 9 times out of 10, they won't like the fact that she has probably had more shags than he has. I find this just a little bit unfair. If you enjoy sex, go and have it. If you can that is, I wouldn't recommend sleeping with just anybody or you'll end up feeling pretty crap. Try and find someone you are remotely attracted to. It does help the whole situation out. I have come to realise that I would rather people referred to me as a slag, because I enjoy sex and admit to having it, than being boxed in the same confines as these other women who point blank refuse to 'fess up! I will happily follow my natural urges because that's what they are...'natural.' Having sex is a natural thing to do. It's pretty much the only reason we are here so why not bloody enjoy it?

However, as I briefly mentioned earlier, we ladies must be a little careful. I would not recommend sleeping with anyone willy nilly. If you are merely having sex with randomers to fill a void (as it were) then I would suggest taking up some form of aggressive sport as an alternative. Vent your frustration elsewhere rather than desperately finding any one you can to satisfy your longing to be loved. They don't love you. Sorry. 

As women we tend to 'feel' things when we have sex. Usually if you can feel it happening, it helps or you'll end up just being rocked to sleep but when we have a physical encounter of this kind we start to allow emotions get the better of us. Why Mother Nature were you such an evil bitch? As if periods weren't bad enough, we now, unlike most men who are just out for a shag, have to feel something for these pieces of meat? Ugh. You are mean. Damn you hormones. Damn you vagina related issues. Damn it all. There may be some of us who are able to avoid the unnecessary 'give a shit-maybe he likes me-could this go further' crap that we drown in when we become close to people. This is a big reason why we can't just shag around. It's a shame really because if we can over come our feelings and focus solely on our needs we may begin to level out this playing field once and for all. If the arrangement is purely sex. Stick to it. I have had my experiences where I have only gone out for one thing and it has, for me, worked out nicely. I am not afraid, in any sense, to admit that I like sex, I enjoy sex and I want sex. 

It's all such a taboo. Men have this ridiculously large outlet for their sexual desires. They get the majority of space on porn sites, they have shelves of half naked women in magazines, they have strip clubs. Now, I know that isn't to say us ladies can't indulge in those things either however, where is the niche sexual market for women? And, sorry, but I don't want 'female friendly' porn, I want porn. I want regular, as it comes, porn. It would be nice to, perhaps, educate some of the younger men of today who may be embarking on their first sexual experience, that not all women are going to pant, they aren't going to scream and holler like there's no tomorrow and they won't be pulling half of the extreme 'I am really enjoying it' faces. I have been known to bite my lip a lot though. Maybe we could also teach the young men of today what foreplay is. Give them a heads up in school that they will have to work for it rather than assume the girl will be happy to just take it. 

There is no shame in admitting you like sex or want it. There is no shame in saying you've slept with a few more people than is 'acceptable.' To be honest, it's just a number. As long as you aren't throwing STI's around like it's confetti then I think most people won't have a huge problem. Until we are all brave enough to embrace our sexual prowess we are not going to ever be able to overcome the stigma. You do realise that women masturbate too? As much as they may giggle and say they don't do it, I can almost bet you that they've got off using some random household appliance. This is the thing though, girls will giggle and be embarrassed about it whereas a woman should be proud and work it. So ladies, if you like sex and you know it, clap your hands because hello boys, you've got some work to do.

Hannah xox

Day 100.

I, quite frankly, could do with a really good fuck. 

*

Tomorrow I turn 24. Needless to say I am not looking forward to it. I never thought the day would come where I actually dread my birthday. I'm a real believer that age is just a number but I also had a plan and I can see that rapidly disappearing before my eyes. My plan has changed. The memory of the original has not.

My body decided to wake me at 5am. I am in no doubt that soon I will be faced down on this keyboard snoring away. I hope I am anyway. There is no way I have had enough sleep. I am perfectly used to only ever getting 5/6 hours sleep a day, however, with that comes a great price. Unfortunately, with a mind like mine, it's really difficult to switch off. I get so far and then 'boom' my heads off in overdrive again. I like that there's this constant whirring, this life, this inspiration constantly flowing through my mind but, at times, it would  be wonderful to just stop. The issue with my mind whirring and being awake at 5am is that not many other people are so that tends to lead me to thinking. Luckily, I have a beautiful girl in Australia who I know will be up at my unGodly hour.

I thought, in my moment of delirium that it would be a splendid idea to look at his Facebook profile. Go on girl, torture yourself! I was fully prepared for the 'kick in the stomach' feeling, the nauseating butterflies, the excruciating realisation that I didn't have him in my life anymore...all I did feel was relief. I was actually pleased, in a way, to no longer be involved. After the couple of weeks of feeling like I had lost out on something amazing, I realised that perhaps it was just something I had built up in my head after all. Perhaps it was just something I needed to really find what I want. I've found it. In the form of high heels, girly chats and synovial joint revision. I felt I was finally over it.

My online dating adventure is still interesting. I have come to the conclusion, that to be honest I knew already, that there are no men in the Eastbourne area. There are boys, plenty of them but no men whatsoever. Those that I have been speaking to have been from places that would take me at least an hour to travel to, if not further and I find that quite disappointing. Are there really no sane, decent, good looking men within a half hour travel time of me? Apparently not. I have found the mundane trend on this site, for men, is to write about how they like going to the gym and keeping fit. Now, as wonderful as that is I would like actual proof of that because I can't quite believe that is true. It would be similar to me saying it just because I drive by one occasionally. It doesn't quite count. Another joyous reason I enjoy the online dating scene is because of the men that have topless photos. As if we women are just going to suddenly fall at their feet because they've revealed their prepubescent chests. I can't control myself, I must have you and I must have you now. Can you really not sell yourself without cracking out a bit of flesh? It's the same with the girls though. I've seen the generic tits under the chin, rocking the duck pout whilst looking slightly constipated face they all seem to pull. I find it a great compliment that a lot of guys have actually messaged me saying 'It's so refreshing to find a girl with photos that don't have her pouting in.' 

I'd love to be surprised, proven wrong. Shown that there are men in this world who aren't arseholes and don't contain the charm, wit and soul of a prune. After a brief discussion, myself and the beautiful one, concluded that are standards aren't too high. We have both been through enough shitty relationships to realise that we have given up too much for people before and now it's time to only accept what we really deserve. We have worked our tits off for the types of people who never deserved our time or our love. We have moved aside our morals and common sense for those who abused our trust and our hearts. My expectations are going to remain high. I am not compromising all the hard work I have put in to be who I am today, for the sake of a boy. The one thing I did say to the beautiful one and, which I believe to be frighteningly relevant to me right now is simply:

"I am going to take a masculine way of thinking and find me a fuck."

Why should we ladies only ever go looking for a relationship when it's okay for a man to look for an opportunity to get his dick wet? 

Hannah xox

Day 96.

She was a little concerned but couldn't say anything about it. Not yet anyway. She was seeing the doctor. That would be the best thing but was it too late? Had she left it too long without doing anything?

*

Today is going to be a funny one. 

Yesterday was yet again filled with the joys of Uni; something I had fallen in love with almost instantly. I work alongside the most fabulous group of women. Thursdays are definitely the highlight of my week. Despite being a fairly reserved person and not being overly keen on people I don't know touching me, I have happily relaxed in to the notion that I will be used as a guinea pig, of sorts, for others to practice their massaging techniques on. My first massage was a little awkward. Only in the sense that where I had not had one done before I was unsure of how high the hands would go and whether I would be comfortable with it. My third, that I had yesterday, was so relaxing I ended up falling asleep. I drifted in to a semi conscious state accompanied by the snores of the girl on the next table. 

I experienced even more joys on the dating site I have signed up to. Wednesday night was filled with some unusual conversations, mainly the one I am about to divulge. A guy. A random guy with the message of 'Hi Hannah, how are you?' I viewed the profile and decided he wasn't for me. I deleted said message and continued with my evening, none the wiser as to what was about to happen. Another message popped up from the same man. 'Can I ask your advice about something?' To this I thought, 'what a clever ploy to get a reply', this I then sent to him and was greeted with the incredible story that unfolded rapidly. 'My ex has got some dodgy photos of me naked and has threatened to show my mum, sister and the rest of the world.' I chuckled, only briefly, of course, I am not that mean. Sort of. 'She told me to act like a dog. She had a gun.' This was the point where I decided against any further communication. This is too much for a Wednesday evening a after  ridiculous day at Uni where one of my lecturers thinks it's okay to click at us and stand at the front like a primary school teacher. I was not in the mood. I had never considered the 'block' button before, purely because the chats I tend to have are so funny I don't want to forget them, however this turned sour. After refusing to offer any help he decided the only way to 'affect' me would be calling me a dog and mean. To this I replied with 'Yawn'. Apparently he didn't like that and decided to 'insult' me with more delightful offerings such as 'Your dull and your hair is shit.' Here is my chance, I thought and in one swift typing frenzy I merely replied, ' *You're ' Again, he didn't appreciate that and I was called a cunt. It was a good day had by all.

My experience of this type of dating has been somewhat different. I had expected weirdos, that's for sure. I am pretty confident that it's a standard when signing up to these things. It will always attract the socially awkward, bizarre realms of men that we women can only pray don't really exist. Yet they do. The desperate, rude, sexist pigs that troll the internet either looking for a quick fuck from some gullible woman, or the ones hellbent on trying to be offensive and crass. I love it. I love the fact that the abusive men on this site, because they haven't succeeded in winning you over with their amazing lines of 'Alright babe. Fancy meeting up coz your hot?' actually think being rude is the next step. I think mainly, for me, if I am messaged by someone who cannot even be arsed to type out words properly, I tend to instantly dismiss them. It really bugs me. Why are we struggling to even type a simple structure of words? 

I can't tell whether I am liking this scenario of meeting men. For me, I feel even more anxious. I find it hard enough, at times, to talk to new people as it is. Writing, texting, instant messaging is all fine with me because I can take time, think of something witty and won't stumble over my words. Yet now, I can have a good conversation with someone on these sites, it can go well because I am not physically speaking and then the time will come, where I meet them, find out they're as chatty as a lemon and I will start to flounder. I have decided I think I need a chatty man. Someone who can literally rabbit on for ages, allowing me the chance to attempt to string a sentence together, and who will put me at ease. I find, with people who are chattier, that I relax more. This is definitely going to have to be one of the main criteria I look for nowadays.

I have now been single for 3 months yet it feels more like 3 years. So many things have changed over those months I feel like a shadow of the girl I once was. This is great because I am glad I am not like the girl I used to be. She was difficult, to say the least. She was troubled, struggling, resentful. Now I am on Cloud 9 everyday because life is so wonderful. I was sent a picture by a friend which entailed the 'Steps of a spiritual awakening.' Of course, being a Spiritualist myself, I had already become aware that this had occurred, but it was nice to see that someone, despite being the other side of the world, had noticed it too. Everything is and will continue to be wonderful. Another of my amazing friends said that even though there will be times where things get you down, you have already been at your lowest point and you have watched your life reach a high. There's no need to be afraid of falling down again when you've already witnessed how it can rise. She really is like some wise Buddha, prophet kind of woman. I am very lucky with my support system.

Things that are on my mind this morning:

1. Why are people incapable of wiping their drips of urine and pubic hair off of toilet seats?
2. How can I justify another pair of shoes?
3. Will everything go okay later today?
4. Why have you not text me?
5. I must stop being afraid.

Hannah xox

Day 94.

He still played on her mind. She had managed to block most of it out now but it was still there. A nagging feeling. Still fairly raw. She was fine. She was happy. She knew it would go away.

*

Being a fairly traditional girl in all matters regarding dating/relationships, I did something quite unexpected. I signed up to a dating site. I know, very out of character. My main reasoning behind it was that I had met up with a friend the night before who was speaking about it and I felt intrigued. Would people be interested in me? Would I see anyone I liked myself? Was it really just a place for socially awkward people to find some comfort?

Apparently yes, people are interested in me. Granted a lot of it is unwanted attention. I've been asked if I want my feet licked far too many times. I have been pestered by one man, who has subsequently calmed a little, every hour asking if I wanted to meet up with him. Not even so much of a hello. Just a 'when we going for a drink babe?' The secret with that is 1) say hello, ask how I am, mention something you've read about me and 2) if I don't reply, don't keep messaging me. What is that all about? Has that actually ever worked for you in real life before? Seriously! It makes me laugh a little that someone can be that persistent when it is plain to see that the other is not interested in any shape or form, hence the constant ignoring of the messages. He stopped for a few days and has now returned to his irritating nature. I would block him but it's kind of funny.

I thought that signing up to this website would provide me good blogging material and yes, that has certainly worked. I can see now and watch unfold what methods these men use to get my attention. You get the usual, dull 'hi' messages which are usually deleted within a matter of minutes, after I have scrolled through the profile to see if it can be forgiven. 9/10 times it can't. The ones that have really caught my attention, even if after viewing their profiles I am not attracted to them, are the ones who ask me questions. They pick up on the fact I write a blog, they ask about the am dram, they appear to take an active interest. For these people, I reply. I spoke to a wonderful guy who, despite having no attraction to, made me laugh hysterically. We spoke about unicorns and the ideal rom-com moment in films. He takes the piss out of my memory considering I've asked him 20 times what he does for work. 

There have been some guys I have spoken to who I actually quite liked. I wasn't going to get my hopes up and think of this as some miracle cure for singledom. I like being single but I also like relationships. I was never keen on these sites. I never trusted the internet to provide me with anything other than decent porn and funny cat videos. Could I begin to accept the idea that I could find a man? I'm still unsure. I will, probably, meet up with someone off here. Out of intrigue again. I am intrigued to see which is better. My traditional views on dating whereby you meet someone in person and go from there or whether it is okay to scan through a profile, deciding instantly whether they could be good for you or not. I'm undecided. As an experiment I will meet one of these potential suitors and see what happens. If it isn't great that's definitely going to give me some writing inspiration that's for sure.

Hannah xox

Day 89.

Dear Ronnie,

You asked me to do this, so here you go. 

Oh Ronnie. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. I have known you now for a few years and how amazing they have been. At first our instant hate for one another was almost unbearable. I do, still, believe you are one of life's bellends but in a much friendlier way. Despite your initial dislike of me you still showed me your piece and for that, I thank you eternally.

I blog a lot about love and relationships but this is different. This feels completely different to any other relationship I've had before. With you, I don't know, I guess I feel complete. I feel like I've found my twin, my soul mate, my true love. You are like a brother to me. Although you are like a brother that has no biological connection to me and who, it is perfectly acceptable to hump and receive bruised breasts from. 

We've had our ups and downs, sure, but who hasn't? We don't see each other often but we know that when we hit 30, or whatever age it was, we will be married and finally live out our dreams. Those dreams of course being having a brood of ginger babies named after different sex toys. It really is a beautiful and exciting prospect for me. As I grew up I knew you were the kind of man who I should married. I used to wish and pray that I would meet a ginger who would show me what life really should be: A pizza and alcohol induced coma with no understanding of why we were in a lift. Who needs romance, kindness and trust when I have you?

I should really speak more about our lift love. Only because it brings so much joy to my heart. It makes me cry whenever I think of it. Solely because I barely remember it from being oh-so-very drunk. I try to recall our hysterics as we went down in the lift (take that as you will) and the way we vowed to repeat it all again. I know now where my heart truly lies and that's with lift installation and repair. Without you, I may never have found my true calling in life and for that, I thank you.

You asked me to prove my love, to make a public declaration of how I feel about you and here it is. Here, for the world to see. For every man, woman and child to appreciate and understand the depth of my feelings. It is an unbreakable bond. A united front that we stand for. You with your ginger locks and me, with my part-time ginger roots. It is really beautiful.

Ronnie, never forget that I am here for you whenever you need me. Unless, of course, I am busy, in which case you'll have to wait unless it's an emergency. I will do anything for you. But not anal. I will help you in anyway I can. Apart from sexually. I will love you forever. Unless you screw me over which will involve me never speaking to you again.

Always on my mind, forever in my heart.

Love,

Hannah xox

Day 88.

Laughter is definitely the best medicine. No matter how I am feeling being around people who make me laugh, is the cure for it all.

*

Another stint at Uni has gone by and jeez it goes quickly. Despite the drag of some of the lectures it, all in all, goes by so quickly I barely feel like I've even been there. Today was an odd one for me.

I was tired, purely from being at Pontins last night with some amazing friends,so of course I was feeling fairly lethargic as I tried to drag my sorry arse out of bed. I made it and arrived at college with Stephend without any real issues. I will give you a little more of an insight in to Stephend, of whom I have befriended at Uni. She is lovely. That's all you really need to know to be honest. I am really pleased I have made a friend like her already. She makes me laugh. A lot. Seeing as the lovely Stephend had been kind enough to give me a lift in this morning from Polegate I thought I would help carry her bag. Of course, I didn't carry her bag. I put it on the floor, as I reached back in to the car for something else, and managed to tip the contents of said bag out on the floor. That poor little peach. Needless to say the day didn't progress.

We had our morning lecture and after struggling to stay 'with it' after our first break we had pretty much realised that it was no hope whatsoever. It was just going to be one of those days. I began to feel ill at lunch time. Having one of my 'head things'. They're referred to as that because my wonderful doctor still (after around 10 years) hasn't been able to diagnose me. It's odd. I have a wave of pressure rush across my head and my eyes glaze. I become very spaced out. I feel like I am outside of my body. It is terrifying. These can last for minutes or go on for hours, intermittently giving me more 'waves' of pressure. Today it lasted 4 hours. 4 hours of feeling unaware, dizzy, shaky and out of it. Joyous. Apparently it's similar to what an epileptic has before they fit. I, fortunately, have never fitted. I do, however, need to get it checked again because I am also experiencing similar symptoms to someone after they've had a fit, once my spacey-ness has subdued. Good times I thought.

Due to this I wasn't particularly looking forward to giving a class mate a massage, as you can imagine. I was walking along holding on to whatever I could find, just in case I fell over, so rubbing someone for an hour didn't seem like a good idea to me. Luckily I was fine. I experienced my first ever full body Swedish massage today and it was great. I really have been missing out on a lot of life with regards to this kind of thing. I have not been pampered enough and now is the time to do it. My massage was 'different', shall we say. Not in a bad way as my partner was very good yet I had nothing to compare it to so it was a little harder to assess whether it was meant to feel like that or not. She really shouldn't touch my feet though. Oh my life that tickled. Actually, she shouldn't touch my thighs because that tickles too. Or my ribs, come to think of it, they tickled too. Really she was looking at a lost cause, I am far too ticklish everywhere. Yet, I did manage to relax. She did my back and the backs of my legs and sweet Christ it was lovely. I managed to stay awake though. I wouldn't have lived it down if I had fallen asleep, especially seeing as I tend to talk when I am dreaming. Never good. 

Whilst receiving my massage I was on a couch next to Stephend, who was also getting a massage. Uh oh. My partner exclaimed 'do you shave your arms?' She sounded quite shocked. It seems, as women, it's okay to discuss with each other that we groom our lady gardens but shaving our arms is a whole different kettle of fish. I am not ashamed to say I do. After years of abuse for being a darker haired girl I regularly remove it. And what? I was explaining to Stephend why I do it and said how I was referred to as 'ape' back in the day. She lifted her forearm and showed me that she, also has dark arm hair, to which I cried 'Yes that's what mine looked like. Kind of like an ape apparently.' For the sake of you, my darling readers, I must tell you that Stephend is rather sarcastic and dry with her humour. She looked up at me, wholly unimpressed, and said 'So I'm an ape am I?' Of course, being me, I start crying with laughter, to which she shortly joins me. The wonderful girl who was performing Stephend's massage then asked 'you've got 8 arms?' So not only does Stephend look like an ape she now has 8 arms because of a hard of hearing Massage Therapist. It was not going well at all.

This, I now realise, is why I lack friends. I clearly have no tact whatsoever and will literally say whatever falls from my lips. Not intentionally, mind. Calling her an ape, throwing the contents of her bag across the car park, laughing uncontrollably when she nearly hit a bollard, almost wetting myself when she honked her car horn accidentally after she had said she didn't know where it was and nearly passing out when she did it a second time. I am a good friend. I call her an animal and laugh at her continuously.

She did stroke my leg on the way home in the car so I've been forgiven for all my sins. Pervert.

I've had a fabulous time. I can't wait for it all again next week.

Hannah xox

Day 86.1.

Uh oh she's off again.

*

As I was driving in between my calls today a song came on my iPod. 'Talk dirty'-Jason Derulo. I start listening to it; listening to the lyrics not just enjoying it's disgracefully arousing tune that I thoroughly enjoy slut dropping to. That's right, us fat girls slut drop too. This particular lyric, that made me giggle and feel somewhat sick at the same time, is performed by 2 Chainz.

"Her pussy so good I bought her a pet.
Anyway, every day I'm trying to get to it
Got her saved in my phone under "Big Booty"

I'm sure we can all agree he's a right old charmer. The type of guy all us girls dream of as we are growing up.

Now, despite my love of this song, I really couldn't get my head around how it is acceptable for him to make remarks like that, when it is very rare, in the main charts anyway, for women to be referring to men in similar ways. What is it that gives men the green light to refer to women like that? Are we not breeding an even more moronic male following who will think that it's okay? I understand the funny side to referring to a woman as 'my bitch', that's hilarious, truly. (If you haven't noticed the sarcastic tone, re-read it as I am not editing it again.) Yet how many songs are in the charts now with women commenting on similar things?

I gave it some thought and decided I think I would do a grand job. I should be on some 50 cent track talking about men in the same way women are spoken about. Or, I just sell my lyrics on. Can you imagine Katy Perry breaking in to a rap discussing the size of a fella's todger? I think not. On reflection it wouldn't be acceptable for a woman to sing: 'Got laid last night, was pretty shit, his cock was tiny but I told him it didn't matter. He has a really hairy arse too.' That would be brilliant. Yet, we could go the other way, more positive, and just reflect on a like for like basis. For example, 'I'd quite like him to stick it in me. Heard he's a good shag. Not tossing him off though, I don't want to get cramp.' Personally, that's my favourite.

The lyric of  'Her pussy so good I bought her a pet' is truly phenomenal. Ignoring the poor English let's break this one down and see how nice it sounds after you've seen it from my perspective. Okay, so, 'her pussy so good.' Well good for it! Gold star. The area you have provided has been satisfactory. He has clearly enjoyed himself and will no doubt return for seconds. Fabulous. I think the term 'pussy' is an issue for me here as well. I am not overly keen. To me, a pussy is a cat. A cat is furry. Thus I imagine a carpet of fur erupting from the sides of the underwear and which also purrs when stroked. I like 2 Chainz though, he's thoughtful. Her vagina was so great he actually bought her a pet as a thank you. Some girls like flowers, his woman clearly likes animals. What would he have got her though? Can't of been a cat; she already has a pussy.

Next on my lyrical war path is: 'Got her saved in my phone under "Big Booty. This one won't take me long to review. It's great that she has a nickname. Not so great that she is only being remembered for one of her attributes. Who knew she also has a law degree and helps down at a homeless shelter?! Of course, they are not things we should be noticed for. It is all to do with the size of our tits and arse that makes the biggest impression. I am royally fucked. I have neither. My dreams of being in a rap video/song have been dashed. Ultimately, 'big booty' is basically calling her 'fat arse' and if I found out that some man had me saved as that I wouldn't be impressed. Needless to say his name would change to 'pencil dick' or something to that effect. 

As a whole it seems that women are spoken about as though they are predominantly sexual objects which I find pretty disgusting. Not only do we have a lot more going for us than just supplying holes for your pleasure, we are also sentient beings. I reckon whatever the boys can do, we can match it. It's not a case of being better than one another, it's simply a matter of equality. There would be uproar if we commented on disabled people or concentrated on race; yet it's okay to talk about women's arses and tits like there's no tomorrow. 

I say it's about time I lived the dream and was gyrating on some expensive car in just my underwear. Of course, no one would enjoy it but it's the principle of it. The women shown in music videos have the 'ideal' body and wear no clothes. Miley Cyrus for example. Wrecking Ball has been epic. Very cleverly done indeed. Right, you get naked on this ball and then imitate a blow job for me and we will call it 'art' so no one gets too pissed off or offended by you selling yourself short in order to sell your song. Just saying. Respect to the girl though, I mean, she has a great figure, she's an attractive girl but it would be nice to see a few more videos with women wearing clothes. Normal sized women being the girl he chooses in a club. You know, the usual stuff. Doesn't build the mens hopes up too much when they realise that we, as women, don't all actually look like that.

Rant over. I am now off to wash my car in a bikini with some dutty slut drop music whilst sucking on a lollipop.

Hannah xox

Day 86.

She wasn't one to let the world bring her down and she certainly wasn't one to let a man bring her down. Not any more anyway.

*

Okay, so now I have a broader understanding of what went on. It has actually fitted together quite nicely and explains a lot. It definitely explains the maturity of some people, that's for sure. It explains who has and hasn't got a back bone. It explains why some people never change.

I have realised my situation. As I woke up I had an epiphany of sorts. Obviously at half 6 in the morning my first thoughts would be 'this is like Jane and Mr Bingley. There is a Darcy involved somewhere in my story but who is it?' This is clearly a normal and rational thing to be thinking about upon waking. To be quite honest it couldn't be any nearer to this scenario. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story of Pride and Prejudice, firstly, shame on you, and secondly allow me to explain this brief section to you. Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy are very rich. Jane Bennet- not so much. Mr Bingley falls in love with Jane and wants to propose to her but Mr Darcy intervenes and persuades Bingley it's not a good idea because she is poor. Jane is sad. They eventually get together and it's all good again. This, my friends, is what I have just had to deal with bar the fact I am not with anyway and I am not living happily ever after. 

I thought I had met someone who I really liked and who really liked me. It went well. Until someone or something happened that intervened and ballsed it up. Unlike Jane, I am a little less willing to go back to someone if they can't even be honest with themselves and decide what they want. I wouldn't discount it though. Who knows...

It's scary how people seem to feel the need to intervene in other people's lives. I find it really funny how if someone can see another person happy they have to try and wreck it. It's as though people are jealous, disgruntled that they don't have that. It's really funny. Anyway I have discovered, assuming I did not get the wrong impression, that this is what has recently happened to me. In some respects I am pleased it's not worked out. It's obviously given me a clear indication of what this person is like. If they are unable to follow what they feel in order to please those around them, then frankly, I think I am better off. Why do we do it though? Why do we follow opinion rather than feelings? Of course, our friends, family, colleagues- whoever- could supply us with something really valued that could benefit us in such a big way. However, the advice we hear isn't always true to us at the time or it could be so far removed from what you are thinking or wanting to do it seems ridiculous. What is ridiculous to me is that a few words from certain people manages to destroy a pretty amazing set up that had potential to be great. Again, this confirms to me it must be the best thing to do. After all with friends like that, who needs enemies! We are supposed to be supportive of our friends even if we don't necessarily agree with their choices. Trust me, I am doing that now for someone and it sucks but, as long as they're happy, I'm happy.

In the future, maybe those of us who have followed advice blindly, ignoring our instincts, will realise all the opportunities we've lost and all the chances we had. It's a shame but it's a lesson. Some people need to realise their loss before they can start to gain. I certainly have and I wouldn't begrudge anyone that experience. I just hope that each and every one of you is able to remember that how you feel should be the first thing you worry about. If being with someone who your friends aren't keen on is making you happy- then go for it, if you want to dye your hair green and tattoo your scalp-go for it. Just do what makes you happy, stop being afraid and start living.

If you want to be treated like an adult, it's about time you acted like one.

Hannah xox

(On posting this blog I was informed that I was wrong. My situation is nothing similar and no one has intervened. I am a LIAR haha. You stay classy San Diego.)

Day 85.1.

She was aware of how her actions could affect others but it didn't stop her. She kept going. On and on. Back and forward. Trying to make sense of her part in this world. How was she going to keep this up?

*

It's funny where we can find inspiration, the best advice, something to cheer us up. It's funny that we can spend so long thinking we are happy when we aren't. It's funny how everything works out in the end.

I was able to see one of my favourite clients today. She is fantastic and her family are just as wonderful. I am known there as either 'Red' or 'Happy Hannah'. I like both. I like how I have a nickname within their home. I feel accepted there. Today I delivered the news that she, or her family, were not expecting. They had been routing for me to find a man since I had been caring for her. They had been so supportive and encouraging. They were excited when I was excited and they were there when things didn't turn out so great. Yet her husband. The amazing man that he is was dishing out the words of wisdom faster than I could take them in. He said there was no rush, I am lovely and will find someone perfect, that I shouldn't change, that everything will work out. The one thing he did say though was this:

 "It's time to stop looking for a boyfriend and start looking for a man."

He couldn't have put it anymore perfectly than that. It was so spot on I could have hugged him. 

I have dated a 'man'. In fact it turned out to be the longest relationship I've ever had. He was a man, in sorts, I mean he had all the attributes of a man yet his mental age could sometimes be argued but it was better than being with someone my own age. In a way. The problem I have found and/or noticed with guys my age is they are really 17 year old boys mentally. They don't understand the world in the same way. They don't see it the same way. It's all this 'lad' culture we are meant to accept and buy in to and whilst I don't mind it overall, it is letting their side down dramatically. I get that boys are different from us girls. I understand that but whatever happened to just being a decent guy, who was mature enough to be settled (I don't mean planning on marriage and babies etc) with a nice girl who was good for them. Apparently it's not enough. These lads seem to think that the idea of settling means you're missing out on something, you can't see your friends as much, you are losing out on the single years you 'should' be having. Well here it goes. You're wrong. Maybe settling with a girl does seem scary but what is scarier, for me at least, is being alone without any real experience of a happy, healthy relationship. I'm definitely not someone who says you have to be with someone properly to have a good time, not at all. To be honest sometimes we just need a lay. That's fine. Yet, surely if you can't imagine settling with someone you're just missing out on another side of life that to be honest is sometimes better than being single?

I am happy being single but that seems to be such a sell out. It's as though the people who say they are happy single are lying and are just saying it so people don't pity their status. My status is such: 'I like being single however I would like to be in a relationship. I am really busy and have lots to focus on but if I was to find the right person then I would make time for them.' The idea of a good relationship to me has changed a lot. I used to think that relationships were built on seeing each other all the time, everything happening fairly quickly, being unable to see my friends as much. NEWS FLASH: I have learned that this is WRONG and I do not operate under this misguidance anymore. It's a childish way to have a relationship. It's not balanced and it's certainly not healthy. Now, I am of the understanding that a relationship involves space, time with friends, time doing things you love and ultimately trust. Sweet Lord the amount of relationships I have had without trust or without any time apart. Bad times. Good learning experience but bad times all the same.

Now, I'm ready. I have my life sorted and everything planned. Maybe that will worry people. Apparently that could scare guys off. Or maybe, if they were properly sorted themselves they would see that a woman who is sorted is much better than being with a girl who doesn't even know herself. Who knows? Clearly my radar for understanding men is so out I may as well give up. I won't though. I am still holding on to the hope of true love, the one person who will sweep me off my feet, my chance to have everything I've ever dreamed of. From this you can assume I need to lay off the rom coms for a while. Perhaps it's for the best.

Changing the subject to a whole other end of the spectrum my sister came in to my room to tell me:

"Bloggs' mum bought her fella a cock ring so I put it on the rat to massage him."

Never a dull moment.

Hannah xox

Day 85.

If you could see me now. 

*

After last nights mini 'breakdown' I am back on form. Around half an hour after posting that piece I was watching rom coms, chatting to good friends and laughing hard. It was as though it had never even happened. In a nice way of course. Things come and go and it's how we learn from them. I have learned that being this tired and having to go to work should be made illegal. It was another of my sleepless nights.

As I lay in bed last night I promised not to make this a problem and for it to be a positive experience, entirely. Being a slushy is a hard life really. I cry at the donkey rescue adverts on tv, I get all worried if I squash a bug and feel compelled to give it a burial, (not spiders though. They're someone elses job. My role is to just scream.) I also enjoy rom coms and have this ridiculous idea that there is such a thing as true love.

I spoke to someone last night who made me laugh so much my family were concerned as to what I was doing. We came up with a plan that would more than likely make me a very successful writer. Well, that wasn't the first aim of it but if there's money to be made...

Due to me and this person not knowing each other very well, he suggested we play a game of sorts. Not in the creepy 'Saw' kind of way, although if he was sat on a little tricycle I think that would have made it even more appealing. The idea is we think of 3 things we have never done and pick one at random and do it. The aim is to get to know each other more by doing things we've never done but wanted to. So far we have decided on having a BBQ in the snow whilst setting fire to gloves, visiting the Natural History Museum as grown ups and going to Portugal. The Portugal one was my brain wave of course. It's definitely happening. Even if it's a case of flying there, getting off the plane and heading straight back home on  another one. This is how stories are made. How life experiences are created. How amazing memories are formed. The smile, that I had briefly come to lose, has been fully restored yet again. I had another whiff of happiness. I am excited although now I have to come up with some more ideas and I am at a loss completely. I am sure I will have my usual epiphany and will be overwhelmed with ideas.

The main lesson we should learn from all of this is that sometimes we get slapped round the face and life tries to throw us off course but ultimately fuck it, it's going to get better. In my case, my situation turned around in 30 minutes. Before, that would have affected me all through the night, resulting in puffy, red eyes and feeling bunged up and ill this morning. However, despite being absolutely shattered, I am as happy as Larry. (I can't believe how much it's all changed. How much I've changed. After a decade of suffering, I think I've beaten it.)

This weekends lessons have included:

• Always be happy for someone even if it is breaking your heart in some way.
• Always be friendly.
• Always accept opportunities even if they make you scared.
• Don't think the world is over just because your whiffs have run out for now.
• Remember you are amazing as you are and don't need the validation of someone else in your life.
• There is no harm in believing in true love.

Hannah xox

Day 84.

Well, that hurt quite a bit. 

*

Friday night was fun. It was really good fun in fact. I saw some of the most amazing people and laughed 'til I felt really sick. I was introduced to the word 'gunt' which I adore now. I also found out that this was a 'game changer' although, I can't remember what we were talking about. I just know that Ronnie is wonderful. The videos I have on my phone of the immense dancing that took place will not be forgotten.

I've realised the downfalls to wearing your heart on your sleeve. People hurt it all a lot more and a lot harder. This evening I am hurting quite a bit. 

I began thinking about things and how easy they can change. Attitudes, beliefs, relationships. I have turned my life around in the space of a few short months and I still don't quite know how I've managed it. It's been phenomenal. I am so happy. I am so busy too. That's been the main success to being happier. It's being busy. It's being so rushed with activity you don't have time to think. It's been really great. Although not everything has turned out how I would want it, I know that there are reasons as to why. I except it and will move on. No matter how sad it makes me, I know that even better things are on the horizon. 

It's a short blog today. I need some time. Just to compose myself. I will write more during the week. I will pour my heart out like usual. Yet, for tonight, leave me to wipe my tears.

Hannah xox

Day 83.

Bob, you know I find it hard sometimes to say things. You know I shake, I worry, I panic. I feel safe, calm, happy with you. This is the only way I can really be honest. By writing it down. Yet, this time, I'm finding it really difficult.

*

Friday threw me a curve ball. Something I was certainly not expecting. It kind of rocked me. No. That's a lie. It really rocked me. It really messed me up for that morning. I didn't feel right at all. The attitude I had been living by suddenly slipped a little. I searched for the positive, I reminded myself of all the amazing things I had and what I had to look forward to. I was okay. Shell shocked. But okay. I remedied this by going out with one of my best friends, drinking, dancing and just laughing the whole time. Yet, it still played on my mind.

I began to wonder, at what stage should we admit defeat when it comes to relationships? When we start to doubt, should we just follow our feelings and give up, or should we try and work through it? Of course, each situation is difficult. It's different. It depends on what you are both like as people. It depends how far in to the relationship it is. It depends on how you feel.

Feelings. What a load of confusing buggers they are. They creep up, slap you round the face and then dance around you, laughing, as they see how far they can push you towards falling. Then it changes. It starts to feel weird. It all seems to have lost it's shine. The sparkle that was once there has faded. It's all quiet. It's not how it was. And it's the worst feeling ever. It's not something I would ever want. I would never wish it on anyone. It's worse than heartbreak because your heart hasn't fully been able to form. You haven't even got to the love stage. So it's only a part break. It's worse because you can see the potential, you know how amazing everything could be, should be. Yet I guess, if everything is meant to go this way then maybe I should just go with it. Or do I fight? 

This is a really tough one for me. This is something I have been battling with. I am really struggling to write this. I don't even know how to put it in to words. These feelings we develop. We get burdened with are things we can not ever stop. We can't stop what we feel. We can't stop what feels natural to us. Everything was perfect. It was how I had always wanted it. It was amazing. Then it has changed. I can't even process in my head how I am feeling. Sounds so stupid, I know. I sound so pathetic, needy, whatever. I thought this was the one. The one thing that would make me. The one thing that would complete everything I have. It felt like it was beginning to be.

I am looking for the fairytale. I don't want to be a princess but I do want to have that kind of feeling where I feel connected, I feel comfortable, I feel wanted. That's all we are searching for. Ultimately, that's all we want. We just want that connection. That allow those feelings to link all together and make this bond that holds us. I vowed to follow my heart. I vowed to ignore my head for a while. I vowed it was time for me to make myself feel amazing and I do. Yet, there's kind of one thing missing at the moment. Well, not missing because it's still there but it's just not the same. I want it back to how it was and I know there is a really high chance it won't be the same. However, I am being brave, I am writing a confusing blog that only a handful of people will actually understand in the hope that, although I will make myself look like a dick, I will maybe make you see. I don't want to be just friends.

Sorry. 

Hannah xox

Day 80.

Her eyes glistened. 'That's enough,' she thought. 'No more tears.'

*

Today, despite waking at 5am, has been ruddy wonderful.

It was my first day of university today. My first proper day. Today, I became the real McCoy. We were pretty much thrown straight in to it today. Lessons began. It all definitely became real. Luckily, the morning was fairly eased. We were told about what would be happening within this study block, we found our lockers and began settling in as proper students. All of our boring admin stuff was fully completed. I got my student card which, quite frankly, is hilarious. I look like some kind of Geisha/Goth/Wax work model in my photo. It really is a treat for the eyes. We were then thrown in to the fun of the Freshers Fair.

We had to journey over to Falmer which consisted of an entertaining train ride with some of my new friends. They are all absolute lovelies. With the giggles and name roll calls never ending we then got stuck at the barriers. Stupid tickets. The 'assistance' man greeted me with a groan as I asked him to open the gate. He clearly loves his job. As we arrived at the venue it was huge. An enormous crowd was bustling by the doors ready to go in and start their Fresher adventure. It was delayed. Typically. The rain was looming. We could hear screams as the first few groups were pushed through the doors. It really was some sort of bundle. I'm not entirely sure why. It was going on until 4pm. There was plenty of time. We got in. The screaming was explained. Some man dressed as a pilot with air stewardess students greeted us and we were given the explanation of what was going to happen. It was busy. A good few hundred people, not including the stall holders, piled up in to a small lobby. We were released and off we went. I had already thought about a society I was interested in. Femsoc. A feminist society with a great range of different events, discussions and much more for me to be part of. I was encouraged to write down on a piece of paper what I thought of feminism. Other answers left were simple, such as, 'equality' for example. My paper read, 'it's time the boys had a rest.' I feel, under pressure, that was a good answer. They gave me a badge. I was happy for this.

Not long after I had left the Femsoc table was I greeted by a lively man brandishing lube and condoms in my face. Of course, this was greeted with my usual enthusiasm for all things sex related. He explained who he was with, what they were doing and invited me to have a Chlamydia screening. Oh goodie. I have been here not 5 minutes and already I am being offered a vaginal swab in the toilets mere metres from everyone else being given sweets and vouchers. I was disheartened. He didn't ask the other girl I was with. Clearly I look like someone who has some sort of STI. I knew this skirt was a bad idea...

The rest of the fair remained busy. We meandered through row upon row of different stalls all shouting out to us, shoving leaflets in our hands, getting us to sign their clipboards for 'free' stuff. I can only refer to it as 'stuff' because in all honesty I wasn't entirely sure what I was signing for most of the time. I got a mug, 2 cups and endless club entry tickets. Not forgetting my extensive array of lubes and condoms which I began collecting through all the other 'safe sex' stalls. I feel I got a good deal.

From Freshers we returned back to the Uni to begin 'Study Skills'. A 3 hour lecture all about studying. Shocker. We were to learn how to structure essays, how to write, how to reference. I could feel this 3 hour, end of day lesson was going to be a toughie, considering my ridiculously early am wake up. Luckily, we had an hour of that then were whisked to the library to look around. I could have done that myself but hey ho, if it gets me out of writing about what kind of learner I am, which turns out to be auditory, then that's fine by me.

Today has been bloody wonderful. I wore my fugly skirt which was complimented by 2 different people. To explain, it is a beautiful creation designed for women over the age of 75 in a host of bright colours and extraordinary patterns. It has been a day of laughs, excitement and new beginnings. My day has been fantastic and I can't wait to begin my practicals tomorrow. Bring on the oils!

Hannah xox